Getting closer

Thanks so much, @RJay! Yes it's true.. I guess who knows! It's weird to think about, but may as well keep open.

Thanks, @junebug! I totally agree. I have finally been feeling free with being me and my orientation. I finally have been in a good emotional place. I'm glad you also have been feeling good and free!

So despite by good place the past couple of days, it had been crushed a bit by hearing from my husband. He texted me furiously this morning in extreme jealousy asking if I have "done anything" since I have been out here. He says he doesn't trust that I won't do anything. I told him no of course not but I did share a bed with my friend (like always). He had been raging all day and is checking out. He can't even talk to me. He knows I have done nothing wrong but he is just done. So now I am depressed and scared and terrified I have everything all wrong. I hate that he is hurting this much. I hate how we have completely dissolved. I don't think there is any saving us even if I "did" change my mind. Not that I want to. It's all just so scary to see things falling apart.

 

Thank you so much, guys. All great advice. I love my husband so much and yes the reality is this and what we will be giving up is hitting me with a stabbing pain in the chest. I just can't believe it. It's incredibly heartbreaking. I know I said before that he was signing the lease last week but it was still just talk. As of today he called me and said he is done and he will sign a lease to move out next week. He is just so done and giving up. He says we can call it a break but he will be moving on and knows this is it. It hurts so bad. I keep waiting for me to realize "no, I had it all wrong", but I just keep letting things happen. I wish sometimes I could just go back to how things were but there is no going back. Too much has surfaced and been revealed. This sucks so bad. I know it will get better but I just can't believe this.

 

Thank you so much, @leb10.

 

Thank you so much, @silverhalo and @NeonSocks. My chest is hurting in pain today. I feel back to confusion and feeling lost. But I know this needs to happen.

 

Progress.. yet fear! We are there. I have until tomorrow to change my mind on signing a lease for an apartment. I may be the one who moves out. We're trying to decide that for sure. But he is done and checked out. The tears and depression on his end are heartbreaking. I'm not crying this time. My chest still hurts but I feel strong and clear. I am owning this. I chopped my hair off yesterday and something happened afterwards. I feel empowered and free and I look the part. He thinks it looks good but for him it was symbolic of being done. He says I officially am not the same person.

I had some intense conclusions and strength in therapy yesterday. All of my tension and struggles come down to constantly doing things to please others and to live the life expected of me. It's time for me to do things for ME. I'm terrified but feeling at peace in a sense. For now at least. I changed my status to lesbian. I am owing it.. I am gay. This is still a break. There is stil a chance I could come to different conclusion, but I don't see this stopping. So scary but I am living and making my own fate!

 

Thanks! Everything comes in waves and there are sooo many ups and downs in all of this. Yesterday I was strong and determined, and today after spending a very long day with my husband in deep conversation about everything, I am beaten to a pulp. He is in the intense anger phase of grief and saying so many hurtful things. I am just done.. we both are. Time to move on and figure things out for sure. I just keep trying to trust myself but man it's still hard. You'll get back into it when you are ready! But yes, remember to think about what YOU want. We deserve to be happy and live our best life.

 

It's so true. We have been so respectful and caring throughout the process. Now that we are facing the true reality of everything, we are diving into the next painful phase of this process. We both agreed today that we need a separation to begin asap. We are going in tomorrow to sign. There is nothing good left that can come of us in our state. I am still telling him to hang on to some hope in case I have a realization that I have things wrong on a break. There is no turning around though. It is all destructive until we can heal.