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Genderqueer but straight? How do I date?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by MelDrake, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. MelDrake

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    Hi everyone!
    So I was born female, and while as early as my preteen years I didn't feel "girly", I never quite felt like being female was the "wrong" thing for me. I learned transgender meant you felt like you were trapped in the wrong body, that trans people all went through with hormone, surgeries, name changes, etc., which was never a thing I felt like I needed.

    But in college, I started to realize that while I had no problem being female, I thought maybe I'm not really a GIRL. And it was only recently that I discovered the world of non-binary genders or even understood the term "genderqueer". But, it all seemed to finally fit- that I could have a male personality with a female body and not have those necessarily be at odds with each other.

    Here's my troubles, though. I am finding, as I read more people's genderqueer experiences, that many of these people started off as young teens being attracted to the same sex- that for a lot of genderqueer folks, it started off as being gay, and then turned out there was more to it than that. But I never went through that. I was straight. I was always attracted to men, and this is becoming weirder now that I'm realizing that on the inside, I sort of AM a man. If I transitioned further, would I then be gay? I don't FEEL gay, and the fact that I'm androphilic feels like it is what is holding me back from dressing/behaving/presenting more like a man. Because a straight guy doesn't want to date another guy, but a gay guy doesn't want to date a female. So I'm stuck in-between, hoping I'll find a guy somewhere who just fits with the rest of my personality and hoping that the gender thing works out.

    It's just weird. I'm not USED to the idea of being queer, and I don't feel like I have a queer sexuality, just a queer gender identity. But I'm not sure if that's allowed- can I fit into an LGBT community where the L and G are way more dominant than the broad spectrum of T? Am I allowed in a queer space if my orientation is still straight? This is very confusing. Anyone else had a similar experience, or advice for coping?
     
  2. Just Jess

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    Hi Meldrake,

    So it is hard figuring out how you fit into things, and if you want help coming to terms with stuff there are lots of people who have learned to love ourselves. I myself have had to go through being gay after transition. It is a very different set of problems than people gay before have to deal with. Not really worse, just different. But very similar to yours.

    But before I do that, what about you? I mean you are a person, not a sexual or gender identity. What do you need? A gay person needs to be able to love openly without being terrified all the time. I needed...

    Well one of the things I needed is a good place to start. So either answer is ok here. You won't get kicked out of the trans club, scouts honor. And you won't have to call yourself anything you dont want to. It is a question, just cards on the table, me trying to get you to focus on who you are and what you need.

    All that build up right? Alright, no more drama :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I just want to ask, can you be with someone, romantically, sexually, whatever, that sees you as a woman? As someone that could go either way on gender? As a man?

    That is where I start. Just with what you need out of a relationship. When you nail that down and you are ready, there really are plenty of fish
     
  3. I am Kakashi

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    "Am I allowed in a queer space if my orientation is still straight?" Hell to the yeah! Even Straighty McCispants is allowed! There are plenty of straight cis and/or gender-conforming peeps out there. If we go with the super-long and inclusive acronym of LGBTQQIAA+, one Q is queer, one is questioning. And one of the As is for ally, so you are totes in there at least once :3
     
  4. DragonHerz

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    When I was younger I felt the same way, although in my case I never really considered the possibility of being trans. I knew that something was different about me, but I couldn't put a finger on it. The weird thing is, once I started considering the possibility, I started feeling more male, and I feel more male every day. Maybe it's just because I gave myself permission to stop trying to be something I'm not. So you might want to wait and see if that changes for you.

    As far as dating goes ... I found that a lot of straight men were turned off by my maleness. They wanted a girl who acted like a girl, not a girl who was one of the guys. I've also always disliked being treated like a girl, and if there's one thing that can send me over the edge, it's when I'm expected to do certain things or take on a certain role in a relationship because I have a uterus. I simply ... do NOT want to be treated like a woman. One of the problems with "straight" relationships is that there are certain expectations and automatic assumptions that come with it, no matter how enlightened your partner is.

    I don't know if it's any easier for a transman to find a gay man, but I've often had better luck with men who were bi/pan or somewhat genderqueer themselves. I never tried dating a woman, but I suppose the same would apply.

    It's actually kind of funny ... a few people have thought that I was a lesbian, and I suppose I more or less dress like one, but I never really identified that way and I still don't. I came to EC because I was thinking that I was bi, but I've since realised that the gender of my partner isn't as relevant as my own although I have a preference for people who are male. Inside I feel like a man, and I want to be in a relationship in which I'm treated like one. I suppose I could try to put a label on it but sometimes it's just better to be yourself.
     
  5. MelDrake

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    I'm not very out yet, and as I feel more genderqueer than FTM (no body dysphoria), I dont usually bother to hide the fact that I'm female. So before we get into the realm of romantic/sexual intimacy, most people I meet will initially assume I'm a woman, and in most cases, that doesn't really matter to me (even if I feel more masculine internally, I don't care if the cashier at the grocery store calls me "ma'am". Though when I do cross-dress, I get all sorts of pleased if I'm called "sir"). I do a lot of musical theater and am usually more interested in male roles, so I prefer for a potential director at an audition to see me as a man. Coworkers, for now, will continue to see me as a woman. Etc, etc. Because I'm a little of both, a little of neither, and a little of who-knows-what (isn't that the very definition of genderqueer?)

    So in casual life, I identify myself to myself but don't worry how other people see me. But that all breaks down when it comes to romance. All things considered, I would want a partner who knows what my in-between gender is and who is comfortable with that. He can use whatever mental terminolgy he likes, he could see me as a "woman", as a "man", or as a "giant squid". I would imagine a partner would still refer to me as female in public, for example. Where I ask the questions is what these labels mean to him. Does he call me a woman because it's simpler to use familiar words, or because he expects me to fulfill the traditional relationship roles?

    I do tend to find myself attracted to more feminine guys, and I think I'd be happiest with an equal partnership where we ignore gender roles and just do what suits us best. I'm just really afraid of not being able to find a guy that both fits with me and is attracted to me.

    ---------- Post added 15th Nov 2014 at 08:33 PM ----------

    Yeah, this is a perfect summary of my anxieties. I feel like guys only want me as a friend and don't see me as dating material because I'm too much of a guy myself.
    I'm sort of exactly heterosexual, I suppose- I'd very much like to find someone who is the opposite gender of me, regardless of how that relates to the standard specturm.
     
  6. jay777

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  7. LadyvonDandy

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    Hi Meldrake. I'll be honest, sorry i didnt read all the responses you had, so apologies if I repeat things that have already been said.

    I'm also a biological girl that identify herself as genderqueer/andrgynous or something in between (been a tomboy all my life but just learned about those terms pretty recently, in part because I'm not lesbian so didn't seek out the LGBT community, so I still feel goofy with the words).

    I also had that phase where I tried to be girly because "being tomboy was just a phase" (they said). I was sad and frustrated because even though I was "what I was supposed to be", I felt impsrisonned not in my body but in my image. Plus, as any late teenager, dating was always on my mind, but somehow i couldn't get any interesting date, and because of my self-esteem that was pretty low for being a fraud, I always had a "crush" on guys that would make me feel even more like a fraud.

    Then one day, I finished college (which is really just highschool part 2 when socializing is concerned). Free of the pressure of being a girl, I slowly went back to being the andro/tomboy I was. And guess what? Never have I attracted so much guys, and on top of that, never have I attracted such interesting guys. I'm not saying you should be queer to attract guys, that would be frauding still. Its just to tell you that gender identity is no barrier. The only barrier it creates is actually a good one, which I would call a filter. If you are genderfluid, you don't want to date guys who don't get the idea of it or feel threatened by it.

    Its a cliché line, but just be you, with all your complexity. For you to be comfortable in your skin and clothe and mind, and as for the dating aspect, because you don't want to compromise your identity for someone else. And don't worry, they're is a plentiful of guys who finds tomboyish girls attractive, and most of the time, those guys are the most interesting as well because they are not burdened by macho stereotypes. And lastly, maybe I attracted some guys because they had a fetish for andro girls, but mostly because I was myself. I didn't scream on any roof I was genderqueer, I just was. Right now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man who embraces both my feminine and masculine side, and although he himself isn't queer (even if he's not quite you're typical cis-male), he invites me to queer events and such and tend to compliment my appearence the most when I'm dressed a boy. Then again, he loves me not because of any fetish, but because I'm myself without compromise and what you see is what you get when you take a moment to have a good look.

    Sorry for the novella but when I read your first post I was internally screaming "NO GIRL DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF FOR DICKS WHO DON'T DESERVES YOU!!!" Because there might be less dicks interested in you, yes, but they are not worth it. But there will still be dicks interested in you, but most important,y, the head attached to them dicks, And from what I skimmed in the messages, some people encourage you to "love people for who they are and not their gender". As you don't choose to be gay, you don't choose to be straight. And you don't choose your gender either, the on in between your legs and the one in your mind. Don't let people and society force a gender on you, and don't let them force a sexual orientation on you neither (sorry if my skimming resulted in me completely not getting the point of loving people no matter their gender. I read many people preaching that over everything else, but as said earlier, you don't choose and it doesn't make you less of an empathic person if you fall a bit more "in the norm" than other people, just like being white doesn't stop you from being empathic for black people).

    So yeah, just be yourself, for you, first and furmost. Because everyone will be alone sometime, and if you are to be alone, you better be right with yourself. And the , secondly, because being you will attract people (friends and lovers) that will complement you and take the best out of you, as you will do for them. So don't worry. As a tomboy, I imagine you get frustrated when people assume what you want based on your gender. Well don't do the same for guys, don't assume what they seek in a girl (unless they look like macho douchebag, then you can assume. But then again, why would you bother with them?)

    Love,

    Lady von Dandy

    P.s. I don't know your age, but in my experience, the older guys get, the larger your "dating pool" gets. Because lets not forget, altough not as violently apparent as girls, guys suffers also from patriarchy and often adopt macho behaviour just to fit in. But as they grow older, many of them get more comfortable with themselves and feel less threathned of displaying non-macho behaviour, like dating a girl who don't look like a trophy-wife for example! Îm saying older, but me being 23, I mostly mean 25 and up. Don't go finding a sugar daddy now! Because you don't need a guy to be someone. The right one will come around when you'll be right with yourself
     
  8. LadyvonDandy

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    I just wanted to add, those guys who are confident in themselves and are attracted to girls that don't fit the female stereotypes, since they are confident in themselves, they'll look for the same thing in a potential date. Of course I'm not saying you should be confident to attract men, I only use this angle because its the topic of the thread. You might have noticed a pattern here though; confidence is the key to hapiness, because it gives you the strenght to be hppy and attract the right people in your life (then again, friends and lovers). It attracts those good people because, if you are confident, you'll do what you want and go where you want, study what you want and work where you want, etc. And through all that, you'll meet people with similar interests, and some of them with greater affinities. So confidence attracting people is not just a matter of magic, but of logic! Of course its easier said than done. Since I can't lift your confidence, my main point regarding the topic here is that; there are man attracted to all kind of women, from the girliest to the manliest, the fattest to the skinniest, the fairest to the darkest, etc. They exist, and they won't disapear anytime soon, so stop worrying about them. Now that you don't have to worry about them, what are you gonna do with yourself?
     
  9. Tomgirl

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    Thank you! The original poster, and many others have really helped me. I just posted a long rant about my nonconforming ways, yet I have always been attracted to men, and I'm happily married to a man. Of course, he is not a hegemonic masculine guy, I find his qualities complement mine.
     
  10. Beware the Ides

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    One of the most difficult things I've found in figuring out my own situation is learning when and how to take The Internet's Experience as a guide and a resource, and when to start striking out on my own. Obviously, not everyone's going to have the same take on gender and sexuality, even if situations seems similar, and it looks like you've done some really brave thinking when it comes to figuring out what's true to you. As long as you're comfortable with yourself, as long as you feel true, you're going to find a lot of other people who are willing or eager to embrace that.

    It applies with dating too, I think. You're as queer as you feel you are, and you're as straight as you feel you are, and it can be on the gender spectrum or the sexuality spectrum, or neither, or both. I'm attracted to both men and women, and I identify as both male and female, and to be perfectly honest, I've never really considered myself "gay". The fact that sometimes I've been a guy while dating a guy, or been a girl while dating a girl, didn't suddenly make me feel gay any more than dating someone while feeling the opposite gender made me feel suddenly straight. And there have been a surprising number of people interested in pursuing a relationship with me, even though I don't present as easily-accessible cisgendered.

    It's definitely not always easy, but if you focus on who you are, what you like for yourself, and what you're into in a partner, I think you'll be surprised how awesome and supportive and sexy people can be. :grin:
     
  11. wanderinggirl

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    Everyone has a different experience of gender. I identify with a lot of what you say; I've taken to dating mostly women and id-ing as queer. In my presentation I fluctuate between feminine guy and androgynous girl, I just have never been able to get comfortable with myself when dating a straight dude.