Ok, I've come on here because I don't have anyone else who just gets it. I'm 21, and I don't have a good relationship with my gender. This is partly because some part of me feels like I'm just faking it or I'm doing it for attention, but when it's 3 am and I'm crying because I see a tik tok of someone I want to be like, or I hear a song that makes a lot of sense to me, I can't help but feel like I'm not fully me yet. I was super comfortable with my cis gender and sexuality when I was younger. It wasn't until freshmen year high school where I kinda questioned my sexuality, and then college when I really figured it out. I learned it, unfortunately, the hard way. But now I'm comfortable with where I'm at. The problem is, questioning my gender came up rather suddenly, as in less than a year ago. There are times when I feel super dysphoric about my body, and this is more than seeing it and thinking it's not right. It's more like, I wish I had these parts and less of that part. I hate the sound of my voice and the way my hands look. I wish I had certain muscles that I can't get. I hate when people automatically assume my gender and talk to me based on that assumption. There are also people who really matter to me who haven't taken this matter lightly, and whose opinions are also making me question whether I really am not just cis. I wasn't dysphoric when I was younger. I didn't suddenly hate my body when I went through puberty. I think that's why my questioning for myself and others is hard to accept. I don't know what I need to hear, but I think finding this forum was a start. I am hoping to see a gender therapist. But I don't know what I want to hear. Am I being ignorant and stupid for not wanting to find that I'm just cis? Even when I often but not always hate the way my body looks? I don't want to put labels on myself. I think it makes it easier on me to put a name to it, but I just want to feel ok. This has been going on for a year and I'm so tired. There's so much more I can say but it's hard to right now because I just had an hour-long conversation filled with tears and doubt. I don't know what to do or if I'm being myself. I just want to exist. If I could magically change the way I look and sound, then I'd be satisfied. Is that vain or am I in need of a good therapist?
Welcome to EC. From all that you have said you are often upset about things and are having difficulties in dealing with how you feel. This to me says that you could very much benefit by being in therapy. You seem to have a few misunderstandings on vocabulary. You mention questioning your sexuality in passing but here all of the things that you seem uncomfortable about involve your gender and nothing about attractions. Gender and sexuality are two different aspects of a person. You also seem to think that you might not be "trans enough" because your narrative does not match what you may have seen on social media. You do not have to have hated yourself from way back nor is there a specific level of discomfort that you must have in order to be able to say that your gender is outside of what might be stereotypical. Your discomfort in people making assumptions as to your gender and pronouns is enough. The next step is to explore what would make you most comfortable and to start letting people know what that is. One option could be to try using the thread here to try out different names and/or pronouns.