All right, I'm finally writing this lengthy post on my gender. I've seen a lot of straight guys wondering of they might be gay, but never cis folk wondering if they might be trans. Let's start. I'm 14 y.o. and I was born female. Never questioned my gender as a kid. Not at ALL. Never even thought about it. Looking back on this, it's kind of strange, considering how much I surrounded myself with queer culture (including trans culture). Then about a month ago, it just... popped into my head. What if you're not a girl? Just one harmless little thought. I largely ignored it, but it kept coming up in my head. What if you're not a girl? What if you're not a girl? What if you're not a girl? I thought about it. And opened up a can of worms. When I was little, I knew there were two genders. Male and female. And I never really believed in gender norms and really thought it was just about genitals/other physical traits like voice/breasts/etc and there was no difference otherwise. Then when I was around ten, I learned there were other genders for people who didn't feel like a boy or a girl, or who felt like both. "Okay," I said, and turned back to my terrible Harry Potter fanfiction. I never truly understood the concept of gender, and I still don't. What is gender? How do you know your gender? Now I was really thinking about it, and I realized I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I don't think I'm 100% female at all. The problem is, I have no way to present as androgynous or anything in public while I'm in quarantine (which I'd like to do to experiment and see how it feels). I was always VERY rigid in my presentation as female and nothing else. In my mind, there were two categories - girl. me. good. girls pretty. i am a girl. and boy - bad. ew. i am not a boy. annoying. (and, of course, the mysterious Other Genders). It's honestly still a mental block I'm working to overcome as a bisexual trying to accept that I like boys too. Basically, I can't just get rid of this strict gender conformation in a month without taking more drastic measures I can't take. I have trouble picturing myself as nonbinary because it's a major shift in my very outdated and well-fortified identity. I need to cut my hair and bind and pitch my voice lower, none of which I can do right now. I also appear very feminine and always have. When others refer to me with feminine pronouns, there's a little part of me that just... shrinks. It might be my anxiety because I don't like being in the spotlight, but it might be that those pronouns cause dysphoria, which is what I personally think it is. When I picture the same sentences with they/them pronouns, I feel better. BUT is that just me trying to rationalize my theory that isn't even real because I just "want to be trans?" (there's another bit. anxiety.) Honestly I could ramble on about this for another hour. I just... want to hear other people's thoughts because usually I don't share any of my thoughts with anyone and I think other people's feedback would be helpful. Thanks for reading this entire thing. Sorry if it's disorganized/confusing.
You don't need to do it to be non-binary gender. Gender is who you are on the inside. Whether you want to or can transition to it extermally is another question. I think you need to give yourself time for this thought - that you might or might not be a girl - to sink in. It's not unusual to not question what we are told as children. And many people, especially those who aren't straight question their gender, especially at a young age, and conclude that transition isn't what they need. Questions I would think about are: - which gender do you feel like your personality, temperament is like? - which roles do you see yourself taking in a relationship? - how do you see your body both on a daily basis and in the topic of having sex? - do you fit in with the girls or guys and what kind of girls or guys and why? - do you want to be treated like a guy, girl, a mix of the two (if so - what would it look like exactly, which elements of social treatement of those genders you would take) or none of the two? - in general, it is helpful to think of gender as something to you can customize elemebt-wise instead of picking one of the two rigid boxes - if you met a powerful magician who can transform you into whatever gender you want, would you jump at the chance? And what would it mean to you?
- My temperament is definitely more female. I take a very "don't notice me, I'm unimportant" approach to life. Unless I develop trust with a person/group, in which case I definitely overstep polite boundaries (not physically, I just get loud and attention-seeking). - I haven't really thought about relationships before. I guess I would be flexible with relationships. I can definitely see myself planning dates/taking charge in a relationship with a shy or lazy person, but I could also see myself letting someone else take the lead if they wanted. I don't know. - I look very feminine. I wish I didn't. I wish I had smaller boobs (and they're a-b cups so they're small to begin with). I wish I was taller. I wish my hair was short. I don't really feel that way about... down there. I don't really think about sex much. - I have friends of all genders. Mostly girl/non-binary friends because teenage boys are awful and there's only a couple I can stand to be around. Most of my friends are similar to me: queer, introverted nerds - Honestly? If I could pick, I would pick being treated like a guy just because of sexism and that boys get off a lot easier when it comes to being perceived by strangers. - At this point I think about gender using the range chart that had female-no gender-male-both genders in the corners (I can't find the image). I'd say I'm somewhere between female and no gender. - I would give it a little thought, but I think I would take it. I'd want to be perceived as non-binary/gender-fluid with the right pronouns/name and I'd want to look more androgynous.
I guess you mean something like this? I'd say I'm near where the yellow part meets with the pink. I don't identify with femininity much, but not with masculinity at all. Demi-girl might qualify (which basically means no real connection with gender, but a vague connection with being a girl). How do you think you would feel with he/him pronouns?
