Hi, I came to these forums only a couple of days ago. I haven't been involved in any communities for such a long time but it felt right to find a home again. I'm about to pour a big old mess out here to see if i can get some advice about myself. Im sorry if this becomes an essay! This week just gone has been the tip of a massive iceberg of repression, shame and depression. In one day I broke up with my partner of 6 years and told her that i was gender questioning and had strong feelings towards people of the same sex. When i was younger i had had several gay experiences and i remember them being quite sweet. So as you can imagine my head has been all over the place with emotions of grief and sadness tinged with excitement and terror (for my future). I feel like such a horrible shit for having strung my partner on for so long but i remind myself that there were some truths i was just not ready to admit. It still makes me feel bad for her. This most recent 'awakening' began after going through a particularly horrible bout of depression that started at the beginning of last year and ran on through to October. In that time i had counseling (to which i didnt mention anything about my gender questioning and sexual identity) and support from a mental health team. It was this intervention that stopped me from taking my own life. I was closer than any other point in my life to doing so this time. It felt just around the corner. I've struggled with depression most of my life but only this time round did i do anything about it and im so glad i did. It wasn't the therapy that set me truly free but a walk with someone i didn't even know that well. He said to me "sometimes you just have to take a long look in the mirror and figure out who it is you are". As soon as he said that my thoughts went straight to a lifetime of repressed feelings that i didn't fully identify with my gender. This isn't new. I've had these thoughts since i was a teenager. I even saw psychiatrists and counsellors. In the end i was told that i was "just going through a phase". I guess that's all my young self needed as permission to lock it all down and not deal with it there and then. Several times throughout my life i got close to this point and it was perhaps something i heard, maybe from a friend or a distraction to cling on to that stopped me pushing through. Well its all out now. For the third time in my life i have told my mum. She was confused but not really surprised. I'm older now, in my 30's and like to think i have developed enough to have the courage to keep going with this momentum. I've been wearing women's clothing and practicing makeup. I haven't done that in years and it felt so liberating. I've not left the house yet but am edging towards that. When i look at pictures of myself dressed as a women i see a smile unlike any other photo of me. It is night and day. I feel more, me! My depression is non-existent. It went as soon as i started being honest to myself about 3 odd months ago. But there are so many questions and fears. I don;t want to lock it down again. I want to live my true life as my true self. Can you help me do that? Thank you for reading this. TLDR? Think im trans but not 100% Looking for help to figure it out!
Hi yeah Hiiiiyena! I relate to a lot of what you have written. I had my own gender revelation last year and had exactly the same feelings of terror and excitement. I know that smile that you mention too! I never smiled in photos when I still thought I was male. But I do now. How to figure it out? Well, in the middle of a pandemic is a difficult time to be coming out! For the first few weeks after my revelation I inhabited places like this and I used helplines like the LGTB Switchboard and Mindline Trans+. They were amazing and it's great to talk to people like you who have been through it all before. It took me six weeks before I felt I was ready to start coming out so the fact that you've already told your mother is brilliant. Are there any other close friends who you know will support you? Start building a support network around you. Do you have any female friends who can advise on style, make up etc? Face to face therapy is impossible at the moment and the waiting lists for NHS providers are horrendous. If you don't mind paying and don't mind doing it via a phone or a screen it should be relatively easy to find a counsellor in your local area that has a track record of working with the LGTBQ+ community. And then there's a name. The moment I truly knew I was trans and there was no going back is when a friend put her arms around me and called me by my new name for the first time. The feeling of joy and freedom that pulsed through me was unlike anything else I have ever experienced. When you get there you'll know! Savour that feeling. Coming out seems daunting at times but it can be utterly joyful. Good luck! Beth
Hi Beth, Thank you so much for your reply. It's really everything I want right now. I've been desperate to be able to have some connection with someone else that gets what I am going through. You know it's taken me so long to learn to trust my intuition and follow my higher purpose and now it feels like for the first time in my life everything is going in the right direction. I have two friends, one of which is going to put me up until I can get a new place to live and get work again (depression+covid KO'd my last job). The other friend is going to help me find work. They are both the most amazing people in my life right now and very old friends. Ive only recently come out to them and they have proved what I already knew, they are angels! When I make the move (which is going to be soon) and when covid lockdowns ease off I'm hoping to be able to meet some of my friends partners friends, some of whom are non-binary some trans. I think that would be a good place to grow a support network. It just sucks to get to this point, finally, and it be during such a time. There is like a nervous energy, like a drive to 'get on with it'! I know I can't just rush in as there is so much to read up on and figure out the process of getting things going. But I do need to get a home and a job sorted really. Is the first step to get a trans counceller then? Will they be able to guide me through things or is it more of the case of figure it out yourself? I have two very dear female friends who I'm sure would love to help me with style and make up so once again, lucky! I'm going to look in to helplines. That sounds like a really good suggestion. I just didn't even know they existed! I hope you don't mind me asking you this. Did you start going out as a women before starting HRT? I'm just looking for help in getting the courage together to walk out the house with confidence and stop caring about what society thinks. That makes me kinda scared. But I know I have to push past it. Just tips you know, if you don't mind. I'm so looking forward to that hug. Thank you again. I really mean that. Just seeing that someone replied to me has given me a real boost. I needed that so I am grateful.
You're very welcome Hiiiyena! Reading that has given me a boost too! It sounds like you have the foundations of a support network and, as you say, an intuition about what to do. You'll hear this one a lot - but there is no right or wrong way to 'be' trans. It's your own personal journey and you can take it as slow or as fast as you want to. You can transition fully or partially or not at all. The key thing is being authentic to yourself. Yes - I feel exactly the same! For me finally admitting to myself that I'm trans meant suddenly a lot of things in my life now made sense and having 'wasted' so many years, the need to get on and start living as you've always wanted to is understandable. But again the current circumstances - a pandemic - forces us to slow down. I would do a google search and just look in your local area for counsellors who have a track record of working with LGTBQ+ people. They'd needn't been trans themselves. Just as long as they understand the issues involved. It will probably be a year or so before I start HRT. Even private providers in the UK insist on 'lived experience', ie being socially transitioned and a name change before they dole out the hormones. I have a complication in that I'm a step parent to my late partner's son and with us both dealing with grief I am going to wait until 2022 before I come out to him. My goal this year is simply to come out to the rest of my friendship group and feel more confident presenting as female. I have gone out several times visibly female (ie wearing a skirt, make up) and many times in a more androgynous style, wearing make up and a women's coat but with trousers on. So far I've encountered no problems. But standing at a deserted bus stop late at night you feel vulnerable in a way you never were before. Be alert and aware and go home with a mate if you can. One other difficulty coming out at the moment is the lack of a trans support network in real life! But this makes places like EC all the more important. Stick around and have a root around old threads. This site is such an important resource for people like us. Beth
So I guess we are both at very similar stages right now! I told my mum only a couple of days ago and she was upset but shes not angry or anything like that. However this is the third time in my life I have told her I have had feelings like this. She was really upset when she said that she was grieving for the loss of her son. I told her that shes never truly had a son, just an undiscovered daughter. She needs time. It makes me sad to see people crying because of something to do with me. The more I talk about my feelings, with anyone, the more my childhood and teen memories open up to me. I have so many affirming experiences that have been locked away that are now bubbling up to the surface. It's like such a release each time one comes up. I remember that I used to lie in bed and wish and wish and wish that when I woke up in the morning I would be in my right body, female body. Looking back on it now I had so many heavy thoughts. Other things seem to be returning too, like disphoric feelings towards part of my body. When I look in the mirror it quite often makes me cry because i see a boy. I play around with my hair until I start looking more feminine. I'm in the process of moving home and it's been a good time to throw out a lot of old clothes. I'm aiming to get rid of everything masculine presenting before I move home. I don't want them anymore. And then yesterday I went out dressed androgynously. It felt good. It felt REALLY good. And on top of that everyone wasn't staring at me or muttering and I felt a whole load of insecurities I have built up melt away a little. A lot in my head to resolve and push through but I feel like it's actually possible. So my goal today is to find something more fem presenting like a nice casual midi dress and some fem shoes and then once I have them go out shopping (I mean not much else can do right now!). Need to practice my makeup more. I kinda believe less is more so I don't want to be plastering on thick if I can get away with less. Damn facial hair is such a pain. I need to spend more time exploring these forums for advice that others have received and that's straight up there on the to do list to. One last question. How did you arrive at your name? When I was younger I chose Beatrix but I'm no longer so sure about that. I thought I might ask my mum what girls names she had considered before she knew my (assigned) gender but she is hurting at the moment and I don't want to upset her more. My ex said I looked like a Beth! And that just made me laugh as I explained to her about you. One other thing about names, my sister wants to change her surname because that side of the family are vile and I had agreed with her some months ago. Just seems like more than coincidence really. I'm really feeling some synchronisity these past months. Thank you so much Beth and I wish you every success and happiness with your transition going forward. I'm sure it's tough postponing it but you are doing it for rather selfless reasons and that speaks to me about your character. Your amazing!!
Thank you Hiiiyena for your kind words - they've really made my day! So much of what you've written has me nodding my head in recognition - it could be me eight months ago! Yes, in the initial wake of my revelation so many memories came flooding back, stuff that I had buried deep down because it was inconvenient. Like you, I had been in denial for such a long time. What has amazed me has been the capacity of the human mind for self deception. On one level I've known I'm trans since I was a child and yet my conscious mind kept these ideas from bubbling to the surface - they were too weird, too unsettling, too perverse. For me it has taken a life changing tragedy (my partner's death) + the changing environment regarding people like us and the increased visibility of the trans community to set me - Beth - free. And yes, the dysphoria in the initial aftermath of my revelation was horrible. Suddenly I felt this horrible unwanted weight between my legs. Sometimes I would wake in the night and the 'wrongness' of my body would be so excruciating I'd be sobbing into my pillow. I have to say that has got easier since then. Being accepted by my friends as female and wearing what are now the 'right' clothes has really helped. Had I been born a girl I would have been called Elizabeth and because I would never have been a Liz (and one of my best mates is a Liz) Beth it was! It just feels right for the woman I want to be - brave, down to earth; a smart lass with a good heart. I think once you find the right name you instinctively know. Give your mum some time. It's such a huge thing for parents - after all they've known you for longer and deeper than any friends have. Hopefully she will come round. I think you've been incredibly brave telling her. That's so great to hear! I think especially in the big UK cities people have got better things to do that stare and point at us. Generally, they're too busy with their own lives and yes it's a more accepting environment than, say, 10 years ago. Anyway, it's getting late and I better turn in. Thank you again for your kind words and do keep updating us with how your journey is coming along! Beth
