Gender and sexuality overlap

I'm quite late to this thread, but I'm pleased to hear you're happier with yourself!

 

Labels and identity are so tightly wound together, as much as we try to escape it and say that labels don't matter. I'm resigned to being called "gay" but I don't like the term, probably as it's so overloaded, maybe also because I've avoided it for so long. I'm more comfortable thinking of myself as same-sex attracted, but it's easier just to roll with the punches.

 

I'm considering therapy too for the abuse I received during the marriage. As much as I have no doubt about my exclusive attraction to men, I'm wary of another long term relationship, both for my sake and that of the children.

Swap the genders, and it's the same for me. Being "gay" was drummed in to me as wrong as a kid, and I think it's part of why I'd rather say "same sex attracted". And as much as I have dealt with a lot of the internalised homophobia, I've recently realised that I'm hugely apprehensive of going on a public date with a man. It's probably a mixture of lack of confidence in my sexuality, internalised homophobia (strangers will see and know I'm gay!!) and the baggage of an abusive relationship.

But we have this wonderful community that will help us both work through these things!

 

I don't think its unusual to have a little bit of anxiety around men, especially men you don't know. In my view its a healthy defense mechanism. Not that there's anything wrong with the vast majority of men. But there are definitely a lot of men who are just looking to use women, and I don't think women (especially young / inexperienced) have a very good 'radar' for spotting the dodgy ones. Too many of my friends have had bad experiences with men they barely knew - nothing criminal, but still stuff that I would call bad treatment. There's an element of risk in putting yourself in situations with men that just isn't there with women.