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Gender and sexuality overlap

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Ran, May 25, 2024.

  1. Ran

    Ran
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    Have anyone else had such an experience, where their sexuality overlaps with their gender identity? I'm asking, because I figured out why I'm having an hard time figuring it all out. It's exactly because of this and there is a part, where I experienced a certain shift, but I can't figure out what that shift is. It's right after I questioned being lesbian and before I started questioning my gender. Maybe this shift is the overlap? I also think my self image has affected a lot of it as well. I understand It's all really complex, but it would be nice to know if I'm the only one or are there others.
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

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    I think most people who are trans and attracted to people of the same gender experience an overlap at some point, maybe cis people too even. I know I have, gender envy is real! :laughing:
     
    #2 TinyWerewolf, May 25, 2024
    Last edited: May 25, 2024
  3. Ran

    Ran
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    I wish I'd understand attraction and gender envy.

    I remember wanting to look like a woman I saw on a bus once. Is that gender envy? If so, then why I wanted to look like her, rather than someone from an opposite sex. If I'm really a guy, then I should get that envy as well from men, but the truth is I don't get any envy from men or do I feel anything towards them. I'm mainly neutral.
     
  4. tallslenderguy

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    i'm not sure i understand your question, but i have a few thoughts that may or may not fit?

    i think many of the conflicts we experience when we do not fit 'the norm,' derive from being conditioned to think and feel like we should be different than we are. Even when we accept our self cognitively, our emotions are not always in line with our reason. To me, You seem to know what you think and feel, you are just not able to fit it into standardized terms? That happens to me a lot, trying to explain who and how i am, i have to borrow terms from heteronormative culture because those are the only terms that exist.

    You've mentioned not being happy with the way you look, so i can see where "wanting to look like a woman [you] saw on a bus once" can be associated with wanting to get a similar response of attraction? I.e., you perceived her as attractive and you want to be similarly attractive? i don't think it's necessarily an all or nothing situation, that there may have been just a piece of her, not all of her, that you connected with. E.g., (not saying this is the case, just giving an example), you didn't necessarily want to be a woman like her, but wanted to be attractive like her? Or what ever quality she had. It doesn't have to be the whole package? i may see a skill or quality in a woman that i admire or find attractive and wish i had, but it doesn't mean i want to 100% be like her.

    i do not see it as "gender envy" to be attracted to, or want to be like some part of a person.

    Do you want men to be attracted to you? Are you attracted to men? Are you attracted to women? Do you want women to be attracted to you?
     
  5. LoomingOcean

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    Sometimes I find myself wishing I was a woman, not because I actually want to BE a woman, but because I'm so envious of the way that a lot of men look at women, in that loving, protective manner. I want to be treated like a treasure, to be loved and cherished and defended. I feel like as a man I've been taught that I'm not worth very much inherently and like I need to earn my worth by impressing people and accomplishing big things. That's something I've always resented about the "male" gender role. I like being a guy, I just don't like the expectations that society puts on men. Sometimes I wonder if me being attracted to men is just me wanting to escape those expectations. I dunno, I'm still figuring it out too.
     
  6. Ran

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    When it comes to standardized terms, then yes I don't fit into any of them.

    I have no idea what it was. Was it attraction? Was it gender envy? I don't seem to grasp the differences between attraction, envy or admiration. I understand the feelings of jealousy, hate, happy. I think it was attraction, but I don't trust my own experiences anymore. It could have been me thinking that she just looked very cool.

    I have no idea. I just remember there was something there. A feeling I quite couldn't understand. I interprated it that I wanted to look like her - blond, short haired and wearing cool looking fashion. And when I imagined myself the same way, it's when I got that euphoric feeling, but it happened some years after seeing that woman. I don't think the way I imagined myself that I was being a guy. I interprated it that way, because I got curious how being a guy would feel like. I think this is where my self image issues do come into play.


    I just want to be happy with myself. That's all.

    I'm attracted to women, that is quite obvious.

    Right now I'm questioning whether I was lesbian all along.

    I do seem to think that to some degree it's much easier being a man than a woman.
     
  7. Ran

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    We're opposite. I seem to think being a man is easier.

    Though to both genders in society have it's own expectations, don't they. It's unfair to say one have it easier than the other. I really shouldn't think this way, but can't help it.
     
  8. Ran

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    I'm going to identify as a female and lesbian for a while and see where it takes me. I know it's problably hard for accept to some, but to me it might bring even more clarity. I don't have this mental block, when I identify as a lesbian.
     
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  9. TinyWerewolf

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    Truthfully I'm not sure, that will be something you have to sort yourself
     
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  10. chicadeoro

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    Wow, Rain. I hope it helps and it's a positive route to take for you.

    For what it's worth, I think for many trans people, gender and sexuality and how they interact is something that becomes confusing. In my own case, the two wrapped themselves around each other. I knew I was attracted to femininity. But if I saw a 'nice' looking woman, was I attracted to her, or did I want to be her?

    Four years on from realising I'm trans, I'm still not sure. I'm nominally a 'lesbian', as it says on my profile. But I haven't felt a sexual impulse at all, since the day of my revelation. It may be that I won't until I sort out what's downstairs.

    But I know I want to be loved and be able to love someone else. Everything else is up in the air!

    Beth x
     
    #10 chicadeoro, May 26, 2024
    Last edited: May 26, 2024
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  11. Ran

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    I'm going to explain a bit more soon. Right now I've been feeling somehow a lot better. I don't go round and round in a loop trying to figure out my sexuality. I think I somehow repressed the lesbian part. This does get getting used to.
     
  12. Ran

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    The more deeper I go the more I'm starting to feel that being trans was influenced by that something. I don't feel sad about it as if I've lost an identity. I feel like I've rather gained a new understanding.

    I think I interpretated my feelings the way as it fit into that current situation and looking up EC and interacting here maybe clouded some of the things.

    My unhappiness with my body and being uncomfortable within my skin seems to be a mental issue. The panic attacks over my voice and the feeling of skin also are weird. I haven't seen others mention getting panic attacks from their body. I only experienced euphoria once. I haven't experienced any anymore. I don't know which of my memories are real or witch got clouded.

    With dysphoria it was weird, because I don't get any bottom dysphoria. That don't bother me at all. It's mainly upper chest area, but I feel like that's because of my health issues. I don't have a feeling I want to chop them off, just want to have them smaller, because they bother me. I've felt always that my body was kind of uneven. One side shorter than other and not to mention issues with my bones.

    A lot of my experiences don't go together with other's experiencies.

    It's tough though. I've been in this community for 3 years now. I keep changing my mind on things, but I don't feel sad or anything rather relieved. I still love the trans community to the bits and am a forever ally.

    I don't get this same mental block, if I think about being a lesbian as I got about thinking being gay.
     
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  13. chicadeoro

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    There's nothing wrong in being uncertain or taking a while to work things out. Cliche alert!! - Life is a journey. There's a lot to be said for taking time to listen to yourself. And whatever and however you identify - whether that's cis, trans or somewhere in between - you're loved here.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
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  14. Ran

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    Thank you Beth. This means the world to me. This community as a whole I could never give up on. You guys have helped me so much and gave me a sence of belonging somewhere. I've been worried what others think of it, but this gives me courage.

    Hugs your way.
     
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  15. JT1999

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    I have to say, I wouldn’t be half as attracted to my fiancé if he didn’t treat me how you mentioned, and if he wasn’t such a high achiever. When I look at what he manages to get done, I can’t help but be impressed and it makes me proud that he’s mine and that he wants me, that he does what he does for me and our future children. Maybe this is my biological imperative speaking, because it’s only really been recently that I’ve been able to acknowledge that this is how I think about him, it feels like this biological imperative is what has enabled my feelings for him to last, as opposed to other love interests (female) which have always been short-lived, although almost always more intense. You mentioning society’s expectations of men and feelings of jealous about how men sometimes treat women struck a chord with me. I would definitely be in a very different place if those things were different.
     
  16. JT1999

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    I think it’s very brave of you to post publicly and be open and honest about your thought process and the journey you’re on. I would never think any less about someone just because they’ve changed their mind or discovered something new or previously hidden about themselves.
     
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  17. BiCavalier

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    We're always taking in new information and new emotions. It's perfectly fine to pivot, change or stay on couse. Life doesn't come with a set of instructions to follow and we're all different. Being honest with yourself and being mindful will help you navigate.
     
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  18. Ran

    Ran
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    Thank you both @JT1999 and @BiCavalier
    I've been somehow feeling a lot happier and calmer than I've been for a long time. I won't say it's 100% right now that I'm a lesbian, because so little time has passed. My friends say I change my mind often and quickly witch is true. I don't wish to jinx it, but I haven't gone around questioning or doubting.
     
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  19. JT1999

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    I get the envy/attraction thing and how it isn’t always easy to tell which is the dominant feeling. I’ve always been most attracted women who have certain attributes which I also wish I had.
     
  20. Ran

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    Sometimes I get all blushed and have butterflies inside, when I see someone I really like. With men this haven't happened, just women. So I think this is attraction/love

    Woman in the buss, just looked really cool, but I didn't get such intense reaction. I was more in awe.

    Funnily though both these times the women had short blond hair. Maybe that's my type?