Gayer Now

Its been awhile between posts. It seems all aspects of my life now seem to be running forward at warp speed. I thought I might update anyone who was following my journey. While I have been busy with business I still check in to EC and enjoy reading the journeys of my fellow ECers. This forum has been a saving guidepost for me as I progress from "straight" to openly gay. Couple of things:
1.) since going on vacation to the gay resort about 4 week ago or so, I am more than ever ready to begin the process of coming out. It was such a eye opening experience to actually feel comfortable with my boyfriend out in the open. To hold hand, kiss and just walk together knowing that everyone knew we were gay and a couple. Frankly at the beginning of this journey I didn't want anyone to know, now I want everyone to know I 'm gay. I don't mean in your face aggressively but rather I just want there to be no question that I am gay and have a bf.
2.) Attend my first Pride festival and had a great experience. I felt a part of something bigger than just the two of us. One of the functions was a public coming out ceremony. There were about 100 people at a staged area and whomever wanted, came up to the mic and made their announcement. I felt compelled to do it, even as I walked up to mic I kept trying to talk myself out of it. In the end I told the crowd my name, that I was gay and with a wonderful man. I know I certainly surprised my BF. He had no clue I was going to do it, but then neither did I. I felt fantastic. One more large step towards total gay freedom. I plan in the next few weeks to come out to my friends, colleagues and finally my family. That will not be easy nor pretty but it is time. I now look at coming out as achieving gay freedom!
3.) On the personal level our relationship co continues to grow. I am ending my lease in a month as we have been living together constantly now. There is no point to having two condos. I am still amazed at how quickly I have become comfortable with gay sexuality. Not be graphic here however I cannot believe I have found such sexual pleasure from another man's penis and ass. I don't know any other way to express it. Heterosexuality was never as satisfying nor fulfilling. I find it hard to even imagine what I ever found stimulating about being with woman in retrospect. We are so connected on emotional, sexual, spiritual and just fun level. Of course we have had our little disagreements but overall we seem to have found the right rhythm for our relationship.
Enough for now, thanks for the ability to vent the good and the bad of shared journey.

 

As I work with my therapist I am finding that clearly there were indications all along. Apparently my homophobia prevented me from even acknowledging something was off.
While sex with women was ok it never blew me off my feet, was never totally comfortable being naked with a woman,was always looking for this romantic idealized relationship that I could only have with a woman. It never happened and now I know why. Everything I ever thought about being a male has changed. I never really fitted that role but I guess pretended until just over a year ago when my eyes were opened.Most of the preconceived notions about what I could or could not do as a male are being slowly stripped away. It is weird but as continue on my journey I seem to be become that "stereotypical" gay guy and I don't mind at all. Maybe I am finally becoming the real me! I guess I was gay all along but was so closeted I didn't even know it. When it finally escaped it has been like a Niagara of self realization and lots of pain. I feel I wasted so many years trying to find the passion and romance only to realize I was looking in the wrong place. I cannot express how wonderful it feels to say I am gay out loud. The feeling is beyond my ability to express it. Like many converts I am almost a zealot about gay sexuality now. The more I am around the LGBT community the more I realize that their are many many more gay men like myself than most realize. It almost feels like there is a gay sexual revolution in the early stages as more and more men are becoming comfortable with abandoning heterosexuality as society's acceptance of homosexuality has increased dramatically. It is wonderful, exciting and fulfilling to be a gay man at this time.

 

FJ you are so so right on so many levels. My life in comparison was dull, boring and hum-drum. Sex became a chore trying to satisfy the women I was with when they felt in the mood. Not so anymore suddenly I am living life in techno-color! Exploring my homosexuality has opened my eyes as I never thought possible. I am total agreement with your statement that heterosexual can't possibly feel the sensual erotic overwhelmingly pleasure gay sexuality provides. As more and more of the "hetero-normative" indoctrination falls away along with its hang ups and inhibitions I cannot express the pure pleasure of immersing myself in gay sexuality. Pleasing a man is so much more intense, enjoyable and frankly easier. Waking up next to my boyfriend is simply the best experience I have ever had. I could never have said that about a woman. Frankly even the thought that I was once sexual with women just seems gross and disgusting now. This from someone who was " straight" for most of his life. Go figure.

 

FJ it takes a while to purge a lifetime of indoctrination that some how only a woman can satisfy you. Once you do it frees you! It is exhilarating to know your free of the hetero baggage so many of us have carried. Embrace your homosexuality fully, you will find thoughts about women fade quickly and permanently.

 

I went to the ballet for years, and before coming out I would try to look at the women and convince myself that I thought they were sexy. This year, I FINALLY let myself look at the guys.. OMG.....[/QUOTE]

FJ my moment came while on vacation at a resort when for the first time I let myself see the men there in their skimpy bathing suits as truly sexy. It was such a turn on. Later walked through a topless public area and was grossed out by the women. I knew without a doubt that I had finally found my true sexuality. I love being gay and everything that means. I am approaching the final hurdles of being able to totally honestly and openly embrace my homosexuality with pride!

 

MNG you are so right. I realized after I acknowledged I was gay that I had bought into the masculine/macho/ manly myth for my entire life. I acted in ways I thought were acceptable all the while I was never comfortable with those things. I was afraid to get a tatto because it might be perceived as something, nipple piercing out of the question to gay, ear stud ditto, I pretended frankly because I wanted all those things. I pretended I was macho when in reality I was the opposite. I admired the more feminine type men who were comfortable in who they are. Knowing that they are males but unafraid to acknowledge a strong fem side. This only crystallized for me after meeting my BF who is all these things. He helped peel away a boat load of false masculinity to expose a totally different person. That process has made me a much happier person. I am learning to wear that truth openly, proudly as I want to known as a gay man. I cannot and will not ever go back to that other guy.

 

Another big step this weekend. My BF has several times invited me to go with him to a pool party thrown by some of his gay friends. These get togethers are all gay men, all friends, and known each other for some time. Up to now I have resisted because I was still uncomfortable being public about being gay and secondly at my age I was worried about being at a pool party with hot gay guys and me and my 52 yo body. At any rate I finally realized that sooner or later I would have attend. My BF laughed when I showed him the bathing suit I was planning to wear. Apparently I was 20 years out date. He told me I would feel funny wearing what I had so he found a " bathing suit" for me to wear. I use the term suit loosely here. It was more like a triangle of material with some strings. I told him I couldn't' possibly wear it, I would feel uncomfortable to say the least it was too skimpy. To make a long story short, he finally convinced me that if I didn't wear something like it, I would feel uncomfortably out of place. In order to wear this thing, it required some shaving that I have never done in my life. I am not a hairy person at all but in order to wear this I needed some grooming. With reservations and all I finally worked out the courage to wear it and attend. I was very uncomfortable at the beginning but I soon realized that I actually liked the way I looked and for someone my age I didn't look too bad. I even got some compliments from some of the younger guys and one guy could believe I was 52. After getting over my initial shyness I enjoyed a afternoon of poolside fun with a wonderful, welcoming group of gay men. It was another big step for me towards becoming the real me. It was heady experience I wish I hadn't fixated on beforehand.

 

OTH, I can honestly say at the beginning I never felt more awkward and unsure of myself. It took a while to get over it. What did for me was no one really cared. I had worked my self up over an issue that didn't exist. Like so much of what I have discovered about myself since starting to come out.