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Gaydar questions

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by RD Spencer, Feb 27, 2021.

  1. RD Spencer

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    This would be a huge help for me, and also have an index in there to help decipher how obvious one might be to others.





    The problem I am having is that it seems like an acquaintance is trying to figure me out, but I can’t tell for sure. We know each other from work and have hung out in groups outside of work as well. We get along pretty well and he tends to talk to me more than the others.

    On a good handful of times, he has insisted on paying for my lunch or coffee, but when I offer cover his cost, he will be reluctant and say it’s no big deal and I don’t need pay for him. We both have money to cover our own and he knows this, and while I offer to pay just to keep things even, he is the one who keeps offering first. At times he has gone above and beyond offering to help me out with things. At first I figured that was just how he is but I don’t see him being quite that way with others.

    What gets interesting is that he has regularly brought up the topic of LGBT people and things gay guys are into (including a particular dating site that’s popular with gay men). He has also made it a point to tell me that he has excellent gaydar and in a sarcastic tone he regularly insist that some of my hobbies are gay and only gay guys are into them. These hobbies are about as far from stereotypical gay as you can get. Sometimes I think he implying that what I do is gay because he thinks I am gay, but again I am not sure. Anyway, when I finally responded to him by saying “I am starting to think you are trying to tell me something about yourself” and he answers “it’s about time”. With so much sarcasm being thrown around I can’t tell if there is any seriousness in there.

    To me this guy seems completely straight, has had a girlfriend for several years and does openly show interest in women but not in men. However, he has never said anything about his sexual orientation either way.

    I keep telling my self that he just has a strange sense of humor but in the back of my mind I keep thinking that there is something more going on.

    I am not out, and especially at work, but several years ago another one of my co-worker had sarcastically said “well you are part gay aren't you”, and recently someone else I worked with for a short while out of the blue say he wanted to F**K me. I put him in his place real quick.

    Does this mean that no one at my work thinks I am straight?

    I really don’t know how other people see me so any insight would be a big help.
     
  2. old tacoma

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    @RD Spencer
    It could very well be that others think you are gay, even if you have not come out to them. It’s totally up to you if you want to confirm your sexual orientation, or keep it private. As for your sarcastic “straight” coworker, next time he got that way with me, I would respond with something like this: “Ok, you say all this about me liking gay stuff, doing things only gay guys are into. Let’s suppose for a moment I am gay. Now what? You in?”

    Just a thought...
     
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  3. Shorthaul

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    There a lot of studies on reading people and I think Chip linked one that debunked the eyes telling if a person is telling a lie. But there are certain things people generally do without thinking about them that give you clues as to their mood. Enough so people go to great lengths to try and cover them up, like the people who wear sunglasses at a poker table to hide their eyes. Just don't wear mirror sunglasses if you try it.
     
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  4. Patrick7269

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    Well, if we weren’t different, we wouldn’t need gaydar or other survival skills. Seriously, I would just like to be straight, not need gaydar, not need to figure things out, not need to make my whole life about trying to fit in where I simply don’t. The “what is gaydar / what makes someone gay / how do we know someone is gay / how do we hide being gay / should we hide being gay” discussion is really something I resent, honestly. If I could have just used all that energy on productive things in my life I would be so much further ahead than where I am. Being gay isn’t the center of my life (or at least it shouldn’t have to be) - but I still spend way too much time on it.
     
    #24 Patrick7269, Mar 10, 2021
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2021
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  5. Nickw

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    @Patrick7269

    Your post was compelling. As a bisexual who was pretty adept at navigating a straight world, I, definitely, lived the "straight privilege". I don't recall ever wondering if a woman was straight and there was no risk in taking a chance in acting on my attractions. And, since I could take or leave (I thought) my same sex attractions, I never did develop any sort of gaydar. It just was a part of my life I didn't devote any energy to.

    But, pretty much everyone of my gay friends uses some sort of gaydar. Some are better at it than others. But, it is surprising how much of my conversations with my single gay friends revolves around the subject of being gay and finding other gay friends, lovers and partners. Or, how being gay creeps into almost every aspect of their lives. I have maintained the on/off gay/straight switch. One of my goals with coming out was to be able to be gay all of the time...to embrace my entire sexuality on a day to day basis. But, it seems like a luxury for me to have that switch and use it when I feel like it.

    I can see how tough this is for you. I hope that as your life goes on there is less of this intrusion and that being gay just isn't even a thought any longer.
     
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  6. RD Spencer

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    To be honest I am not comfortable with saying anything about my sexuality to my co-works. I prefer to keep a low profile. Under the right circumstances I may be willing to be more open if I could help someone else understand themselves better.


    As for the one co-worker, I need to come up with a smart ass response that catches him off guard but still leaves him guessing.


    But the whole thing is having me thinking that maybe he isn’t straight and trying to let me know without being right up front about it. I just don’t pick up on gay vibes at all and in a sense blind to other people’s sexual orientation.

    Sometimes I wonder if I am intentionally shutting down my gaydar to avoid knowing. When I was younger I did have some fear of gay people because I figured they could read me for sure. So to avoid the fear I just denied that anyone was gay. There has been times when people have pointed out someone who was very obvious I would still say they didn’t seem gay to me.


    The big question is how can I turn this around do a better job of picking up the clues?

    What are things a closeted gay/bi guy would do if he was hinting his sexuality?