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Gay or Not, the Evidence...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Jul 31, 2020.

  1. out2019

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    Sometimes I wish people would tell me. I guess it's not wanting to take responsibility for it, but wanting it.
    Yeah i was thinking this, the way women display their butts in things like yoga pants you don't often get see guys like that. The first time I started to really notice men sexually in public was seeing male ballet dancers.
    Yes I realize it's also a 'hope' 'see I am attracted to her, I am not gay.
    That's why it's so confusing! :slight_smile:
     
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  2. Chip

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    Reread the thread. It really couldn't be more clear.
     
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  3. Bastion

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    It is actually confusing. One time i went to see one of my best friends and hang out. We then met up with other friends and went to a club. Some of the girls there were like so hot. I forgot all about my attraction to guys that whole night. I just kept thinking of the girls and one in particular I dreamed that night of being intimate with her.
     
  4. out2019

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    I have experienced this too. But can't seem to get 'aroused' though I want to imagine doing things to them its like a block - and it's usually activated by certain types of clothes, I don't imagine them naked.

    Like I said above, based on fantasies alone 90% gay 10% women and not as intense. I can have sex with women and enjoy it. I have had girlfriends.
     
    #24 out2019, Aug 2, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020
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  5. out2019

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    I know. I don't need any 'evidence' I am just frightened and ashamed of my own sexuality.
    I was just sitting here thinking "What if i could fully accept it, what would that feel like" and this beautiful warm feeling washed over me.

    Earlier I said:
    It could be why 'born that way' is so important for acceptance for many people.. but another thought just came to me... what if... I could be happy that I have the ability to love this intensely and desire to intimate - not matter what I try to imagine with women nothing even comes close to just imagine going to dinner with a cute guy and staring into his eyes.
    and imagining sex, forget it. When I am honest with myself, I admit I would rather give a blow job than have sexual intercourse with a woman. Tonight at least these feelings are beautiful to me.
     
  6. Chip

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    The thing is... by talking about it, you are working it through. Brené Brown says that if we put shame in a petri dish, it is nourished by secrecy, silence, and judgment. But "speaking shame" is the antidote: Talking about it, accepting the empathy from others, helps to let go of the judgment.

    In what we've seen here at EC, it does typically take longer for those who are coming out later in life, for the simple reason they've built up more armor to protect themselves. And the armor is layered with shame, which in itself, causes us to put up shields.

    So just... give yourself time. You're already on the way.
     
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  7. out2019

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    I don't know if I am putting this right but:
    I realize I want to be gay.
    Facing that is hard.
    a wall of shame and fear come up...
     
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  8. OnTheHighway

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    I think your putting it right. And I also think you might also be saying “I realize I want to be myself”!

    So confront the shame, overcome the fear and live your truth!
     
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  9. out2019

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    It's strange to desire something so much and be ashamed and afraid of it.
     
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  10. DMals80

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    Wow, this could not be more accurate of my exact mindset.

    My entire adult life I’ve spent wishing and pretending that I was not gay. I’ve done everything in my power to suppress the thoughts and feelings I have when I see another guy. Like so many on here, even marrying a woman and starting a family. All while knowing I wasn’t living my truth.
    Now in my late 30’s I am still married to a woman (my best friend and grade school sweetheart) and have twin daughters, who are about to turn 6. I can’t imagine loving anything else in this world as much as I love these 3 girls. And yet, even still, I feel empty and deprived of true happiness. The worst part of it, is knowing it’s by my own doing.

    The last couple years I’ve noticed my inner self wanting to be gay, almost screaming inside saying now is the time. Now is the time to embrace it and live my truth.
    Some days I feel so close to just taking the plunge and telling my wife. My whole body fills with excitement, almost euphoric, thinking it’s finally going to happen, but then the excitement turns to fear and shame, and the next day I push it all away and go back to my normal routine. It’s just so damn hard!
     
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  11. out2019

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    yes I experience this too.
     
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  12. Lyman

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    The thing is that you need to be ready to face the truth, regardless of what it is. Even if several EC members came to your house and screamed "You're X!!!!", denial could still act and convince you that X is not your real sexual orientation. You could tell yourself that maybe you didn't describe things well, that we don't know what we're talking about, or whatever. To solve that, lots of introspective work are needed, analysing your past and present feelings, and reading and writing are quite useful for this. I had to do lots of that kind of work before I came to the point of being almost sure. In my case it took years, but you seem to be progressing more quickly.

    As Chip told you, you're already on the right track and, given how exceedingly difficult it is to do this later in life, it's pretty normal that it takes time.
    Try to carefully rethink and reread some things, and maybe you'll gain some clarity.
     
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  13. Journey616

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    oh my goodness! I feel this so hard. I want to be gay too but the wall of shame and fear. So true
     
  14. Journey616

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    Thought I was alone. Afraid to say it. Feels good to say it and to know I am not alone.
    Bless
     
  15. Contented

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    I think this is a common occurrence as we come closer and closer to acknowledging our homosexuality. We want to embrace it but our shame and fear put road blocks between us and our truth. The only was is to confront them and neutralize the shame and fear. It takes awhile and it includes a great amount of self reflection but you can work through these issues and claim what you desire, your homosexuality honestly and proudly.
     
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  16. out2019

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    True, but also in different 'states' we can have different interpretations of our thoughts and feelings. What I call 'denial' in this state I don't call in other states. Sometimes I genuinely feel this whole 'thing' is just an escape fantasy. That may seem odd or weird to people here but in that state it seems like this is a silly diversion to run away from problems and things facing me in life.
    It is also cyclical - sometimes also, i think I may have written off 'bi' too soon the 'bi-cycle' seems to describe my patterns as well.
     
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  17. Bastion

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    I kind of know and understand what you are talking about. More liberal areas or states may have different views on things than others. That said and I know things can be difficult, I know it is for me, because even say if I choose a label or orientation that would mostly be in tune with my fantasy or attractions it would be bi. But you don’t have to be stuck always in an “either” “or” syndrome. I believe this can create more conflict. You don’t have to be out as anything. Just take your time. Enjoy your time. Own the moment whatever it is at the time. This way you can do more and struggle less. That’s my opinion at this time, off course it’s not meant to diminish anyone’s struggle or journey towards his or her preferred orientation.
     
  18. DMals80

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    I hate to admit this because I know it’s just me thinking it would be easier, but sometimes I wish my wife would just ask me if I’m gay. At that point, I’m not sure I could lie any longer even if I wanted to. I feel like I would instantly blurt out yes.
     
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