1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Gay or bisexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Hope4love, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I tried to cut drama & personal and societal beliefs out of it and just observe how I truly feel...
    ---------------------------------------------------
    I know I would enjoy sex with a man
    but I also know I would enjoy sex with a woman
    but I don't like straight porn as much as gay porn
    but I fantasize sexually mostly about men
    but I also fantasize sexually about woman sometimes
    but when I fantasize about kissing or cuddling men it's weird and gross
    when I fantasize about kissing or cuddling with woman it's hot and irresistible
    I look at woman more on the streets than men not their bodies but their eyes and hair
    no matter how hard I try I can't see myself happy with another man in a long term relationship
    I never tried to date women but I can see myself happy with a long term relationship with women
    ---------------------------------------------------
    I see myself more comfortable with the label bisexual but I'm not sure if I'm just using that to hide my sexuality or not, because I tried labeling myself as gay but it doesn't fit me. and I tried not labeling myself at all and it just didn't work for me.
    anyway, if this was you, what would you label yourself as?
     
    BothWaysSecret and BiGemini87 like this.
  2. Inlife88

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2018
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    Chantilly, VA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I would lean towards gay because of the porn usage and fantasies. I believe everyone is a little bisexual. SInce you have never tried a long term relationship with a woman, you should also put that into consideration, especially since you can see yourself in a longterm relationship with a woman. I always think you should try both sides to see which one makes you happiest.

    Peace and Love
     
    Hope4love and Vega222 like this.
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    15,507
    Likes Received:
    3,323
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with inlife88. Nothing in your (OP's) original post gives any strong indication that you're straight. The 'who I can see being happy with in the long term' is almost 100% a conscious social construction, heavily influenced by our self-judgments and fears or being gay. I'd say that the majority of gay men, in the earliest stages of acknowledging their attraction to men, probably have had similar thoughts.

    And so I concur that 'gay' is likely a more accurate label. The thing to remember is that orientation isn't a trinary, it's a spectrum, but we use the gay-straight-bi labels out of simplicity and convenience. So someone who is a Kinsey 5 (on the Kinsey sexual orientation scale, 0-6) would likely identify as gay even though there's still some level of opposite-sex attraction. But someone who is a 5 or 6 and isn't comfortable acknowledging him or herself might still use the term 'bi' not because it doesn't fit, but because it's uncomfortable... because of discomfort with self-acceptance.

    As we process the feelings of not being straight, there are stages we go through in processing the loss of our 'straight' identity: denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance. And 'bargaining' is where we say "OK, I like guys, but I can still end up with a girl". It's basically a bridge between "I know this is here" and "I'm not ready to own this yet".

    Of course, I'm not in your head and don't know anything else other than what you've stated. Only you know what's right for you. So take the above for what it is, but use your own guidance and judgment... and take your time, because there's no obligation to determine this on any particular timeframe.
     
    Hope4love, BiGemini87 and Inlife88 like this.
  4. BaconBacon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2019
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    When you had a crush ( if at all) what gender was it?
     
    Hope4love likes this.
  5. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    564
    Likes Received:
    423
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This is probably going to take a lot more self-examination in order to separate the expectations foisted upon you by heteronormative culture vs. your genuine feelings. Even never having been in a relationship with either (I assume? Your post seemed to indicate as such), it's less about who you've been with than who you're attracted to. You speak of being attracted not to women's bodies, but to the aesthetic appeal of their eyes and hair--yet your statement that the thought of kissing and cuddling women is irresistible seems to indicate more than just a surface-level attraction.

    The others might be right; these might be imprints of what you think you're supposed to be attracted to--but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate and say that maybe that isn't the case. Maybe you are genuinely attracted to both men and women. It's important to note that if you are bisexual, your attraction doesn't have to be 50/50 between men and women; it can be unequal, or it can be on a sliding scale--changing from one day to the next, but ultimately still revealing attraction to both at one degree or another.

    The fact that you fantasize about both men and women seems to be an indicator that you fit somewhere on the bi spectrum--but I really can't say for sure. Chip could be right; this could be a stepping stone to fully realizing and accepting that you're gay, in which anything to do with attraction to women might be a subconscious, desperate attempt to convince yourself otherwise.

    But again, no one can 100% tell you for sure, and there's really no rush; take your time to sort things out, to be sure of how you feel, who you have feelings for, and what appeals to you romantically and sexually.
     
    Needhelp3 and Hope4love like this.
  6. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I can't seem to trust my fantasies as a final answer, because I did hook up with a guy once (no anal) and I didn't like the experience at all, but somehow I end up fantasizing about it and see myself enjoying it. I never hooked up with girls because it's way harder in my country and I heard a lot of problems from people who did, and considering relationships I don't think at all about dating guys I just always treat them as friends but with girls I always uncontrollably see them as potential partners
     
  7. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think I could be in the bargaining stage, and I know I still fear losing my straight identity because it feels like I'm allowing myself to "become" something else. as a small part of me wants to keep this identity for until I realize I didn't have it in the first place, rather than cutting myself away from it, self acceptance or any of these things only backfire for me and I end up in a cycle of questioning everything similar to OCD.
    that being said I actually do feel attraction for woman without forcing anything but it takes a little more time for me to get hard compared to men attraction that gets me hard in seconds. so either I'm gay but I feel a bit attraction to woman, or I'm bisexual. either way I will try dating woman and see if it works
     
  8. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    my first crush was a girl when I was 7 in first grade, it was funny how I acted grossed out because I saw all girls as gross thanks to religion teachings but I was always thinking about her and it was magical, my second crush was in sixth grade (age 11) was also a girl but I don't think it was real because I heard all the boys talking about her so maybe that went into my head. my first boy crush (age 13) was on a close friend of mine who was a bit younger than me (10) and I fantasized about him romantically and I think it was more than platonic but nothing sexual was involved, I remember having gay crushes on soccer teammates around the same age, after we moved town I discovered pornography and I learned everything about sex and before that it was only youtube videos of woman twerking that excited me and I did look at magazines of woman too that kept me hooked, after a year of watching straight porn I came across gay porn for the first time and I was surprised that two men were enjoying that, I wasn't stimulated at all but after few weeks I came back to gay porn out of curiosity and looked up guys who I thought were good looking and ever since then I'm still hooked with gay porn to the point where I lost interest in real intimate love. after a year (2012) I learned a bit about sexual orientation and obviously was confused I saw all these coming out videos storming on youtube and for some reason it hit me, I don't understand why but it was just instinct I felt a strong connection to these people and I still do, I even cried after watching short films on youtube. so I went on facebook groups and online forums and told random people I'm gay without even fully understanding the context of that label.
    had also another crush on a classmate (age 14) but it was more of I wanted to be like him rather than be with him, also around the (age 15) I started to really notice the difference between me and straight guys, I wasn't as excited about woman as they were, at the same age I I had guy crushes and girl crushes all the time, but my guy crushes were mostly physical I would look at their body, but girl crushes were always physical in a non sexualised way like I would look at their eyes and hair and blush.
     
  9. Inlife88

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2018
    Messages:
    156
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    Chantilly, VA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I would say there is something there with you not enjoying the experience, but you still fantasize about it.
     
  10. Quantumreality

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2016
    Messages:
    4,283
    Likes Received:
    320
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey @Hope4love , Ultimately, no one else can define your sexuality for you. That is something that ONLY you can figure out for yourself.

    For some LGBTQ people, that can be a lengthy and difficult process. But, in the end, the journey is worth the effort. For what it's worth, I
    'll tell you that my own struggle took over a decade (from understanding that I wasn't straight until I understood that I am Bi AND that I am not some crazy 'monster' for being so) before I was comfortable with who I am. There are others on this website who have taken multiple decades to come to an understand and an acceptance (those are two completely different things) to come to terms with their sexuality.

    In the end, the only person that it matters to is yourself. And, of course, the person that you may ultimately choose to partner with for the rest of your life.

    Just saying,
    QR
     
    Hope4love likes this.
  11. Jon Alex

    Jon Alex New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2020
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    La
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I feel like I'm exactly how you describe yourself, confused but attracted to both genders. Porn focus more on men on men rather then straight porn. At first it was me coming to realize after getting off I would tell myself that I need to watch more straight porn.
     
    Hope4love likes this.
  12. Needhelp3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2018
    Messages:
    88
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ma
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I can’t believe it but I love having sex with men.. but physically I’m way more attracted to women..

    Have fun!!
     
    Hope4love likes this.
  13. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    when it comes to fantasies are they different from real life experiences?
    because I fantasize about men all the time but in real life I avoid them
    but in real life I check out woman but I don't fantasize unless it's forced
     
    Needhelp3 likes this.
  14. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,394
    Likes Received:
    104
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    If you have to "force" it...

    I'd say its more telling what your reactions to those fantasies are.
     
    Needhelp3 and Batman like this.
  15. BiGeek

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2018
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sounds like you are bisexual to me but we are all on are own journey to find ourselves. Do and be what you like because it doesn't matter what other people think. That's what I live by and I'm enjoying life
     
    Hope4love and Needhelp3 like this.
  16. Needhelp3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2018
    Messages:
    88
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    Ma
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
     
  17. TrevinMichael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2017
    Messages:
    650
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    St. Paul MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I welcome the you that you are.

    No matter what life brings you.

    I am glad you posted.

    TM
     
    Hope4love likes this.
  18. TheJack

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2017
    Messages:
    94
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You sound bisexual, but to be honest, my views on sexuality have changed so drastically that I feel that applying a serious label to yourself is just useless. If you wanna get a boyfriend, get a boyfriend, you wanna get a girlfriend, get a girlfriend. Just do what you want, there is no rulebook, just have sex with whatever you find attractive.
     
    qtp, Hope4love and ChatNoir7 like this.
  19. Hope4love

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    61
    Location:
    Africa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    yeah I'm getting tired of it too, I'm almost 22 and I never had a gf or bf not even dating, I'm overthinking things because my country is religious and very strict about these things, but you're right I should at least try online dating
     
  20. TrevinMichael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2017
    Messages:
    650
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    St. Paul MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    No matter what, you are you.
     
    Hope4love likes this.