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Gay Men; how long did it take you to desire a relationship with men after realizing your attraction

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by whatsneb, Oct 17, 2017.

  1. whatsneb

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    I am in the process of trying to figure out my messed up confusing sexuality, and I am curious as to whether it is normal for gay men to first realize they are sexually attracted to men, and even to experiment and enjoy it, long before they actually have a desire to date men.

    I know I am sexually attracted to men, probably moreso than I am to women, but I still have this desire to date the woman I am in a relationship with, even though something deep in the back of my mind is telling me that it is not as fulfilling as sex with a man, and that that is what I truly desire. I just cannot for the life of me picture trying to date men, and I am wondering if this is something that comes with acceptance. Is it possible I am just still in denial and trying to cling to the bit of heterosexual attraction I have? Or could I really be a "heteroromantic bisexual" who has a higher sexual attraction to men?

    I know the standard response is that everyone is different, but could anybody let me know if they experienced something like this, how it turned out, etc. Thank you so much for any help, I am in sore need of it right now.
     
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  2. jonnemack

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    How long did it take? Three seconds, but I am gay, not bi.

    Honestly though, I had emotional affection towards men at first then the sexual desire came in naturally.

    Could be both. Being bissexual is really like any other sexual or gender orientation. You can, in other hand, feel desire for men, have a relationship and if it does not work, go back to date women. That's kinda how bissexuality works. If you are confused, maybe you should give it a chance to the man you probably had interest in first place.

    Being in denial could also be accepted, but I don't think that's the case because you clearly have a solid position on your feelings towards men, you just have not experienced it in a "romantic way". Some gay men can be real jerks, so maybe your experience with them were not so great. Talk to a friendly gay guy you know, show him your feelings and see how it goes.

    If it causes you that much pain, try not to hide it, at least for some friends. At least you can be confortable. I know for a fact that deep whithin you might be starting to like a guy and it messed up your head again. I read your other topic and really think you should not convince yourself that you SHOULDN'T date guys. Just embrace it. Aren't you already out as a bissexual to some people?

    In a nutshell: be happy. If you want to date guys, not only have sex with them, then go for it. If you like that behavior, keep it. If you don't, go back to date girls. Don't press your head against a wall for that or lose your sleep over those little things. Follow your heart, find a friendly gay guy and start to develop a "relationship". If you feel the conection, go for it :slight_smile:

    Stay strong, dear!
     
  3. JaimeGaye

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    Let me ask you this,
    When you think of being with a man how do you place yourself in the relationship?
    Are you mostly a bottom or do you prefer to be the top or are you comfortable with both of you switching roles?
     
  4. whatsneb

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    I guess I am so worried because even when i came out as bisexual to people i told them i could not picture myself dating men and that it was just sexual attraction, but now a year later after dating a girl for almost a year, i am starting to doubt myself, and think maybe I was wrong and I am at least possibly a gay leaning bisexual, or a gay man who was in severe denial still. It is all very confusing right now.

    To answer your question jamie i typically prefer to bottom, i would be "vers" but with a preference for bottoming for sure
     
  5. mav96213

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    If I were to simplify and break down a "relationship" into two (2) parts, the mental and the physical, here are my thoughts...

    The Mental (emotional) portion is something that (in my opinion) isn't necessary "defined" by being male or female, it's more of finding a person of like mind (interests, morals, family background, etc., etc.) which could easily be found and satisfied by both sexes. This is a very important part of the relationship, however, the sexual organ between their legs is not essential in fulfilling it.

    The Physical part (surprisingly) is a lot more difficult because, sexual attraction all starts in the brain, in an area that... no matter how hard we try to control, it's "hard wired" to react in a certain way. You'll catch yourself "noticing" good looking guys, you'll catch yourself taking second glances, and it's something you just can't change. From there you might start having sexual thoughts, feeling some kind of "connection" that you can't explain. For some guys it's really difficult to accept (especially more depending on the environment they grew up in) and they fight the feelings, pushing them deep down. However, trust me in this... they don't "go away", and you really need to pay attention to those true "inner feelings". In my humble opinion, that is something you "cannot" change, it's just part of who you are.

    So to find/build/maintain a strong relationship, you really need to have both the Mental and Physical part in balance, because if one or the other is out of sync, "eventually" it will erode the relationship and cause it to break down.
     
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  6. jonnemack

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    Again, why don't you try dating a man? At first, doing activities that does not involve sex. What do you do for a living? Are you still in college? Do you have LGBTQ+ groups where you live?

    My answer will always be: try it! Follow your heart! Maybe you ARE gay and will only really find out if you can connect emotionally to a man.
     
  7. Twist

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    Although I am pan and not strictly gay, I did a lot of fucking around prior to ending up in a relationship.
    *Clears his throat* A lot.

    I don't think it has anything to do with "how long", though. In my case, it had to do with stumbling across the right person. ie: When I met Gideon, I had no interest in being in a relationship. After a good deal of work on his end, he ended up changing my mind.
     
  8. whatsneb

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    I do not want to just go explore these things, because it would mean breaking up with my girlfriend certainly, and I do not want that, I love her. But I also am scared that the sexual thoughts I have about men aren't just bisexual thoughts but, between that and the depression I am feeling for no seeming reason, I am scared that they are forewarnings that I might not prefer girls as much as I would like to think.

    I love this girl and do not want to break up with her, I want a life with her... but as much as I would hate myself for having to end things now, it would be, I imagine, infinitely worse if it was 5, 10 or 15 years down the road that I realized these thoughts were more than just bisexual thoughts. I cannot do that to myself or her, but I do not want to end things without figuring out if it is really necessary. I am at a loss as to what to do, as I do not want to hurt her and I do not want to be hurting anymore, but I still cannot even know for certain if this is why I am hurting. I wish there was just an answer somewhere without me having to go explore relationships with men.
     
  9. jonnemack

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    There isn't.

    Honestly, you don't know if you really LOVE men. Like I said, go out with a guy you think you might like. Go out for a conversation and nothing more. Let yourself know if you might get interested in this guy more than just sexually.

    You are right. Are you sure she is the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with? Again, are you still in college? What do you do for a living? How are you planning things in 5, 10 or 15 years?

    In the expense of hurting yourself and agravate your depression in the long term, you might end up in a relationship that just does not fulfill you enough. That's why I told you to try to have a sincere conversation with a gay guy you know, without meaning commitment or a sexual encounter. Trust me when I say: if you feel love for a guy, you'll know it, but let yourself experience that to be sure.

    Hear what this guy has to say. I've seem him a lot here and he is very very wise. Let yourself find someone and see how your feelings react. That does not mean cheating or breaking up with your girlfriend. It is about knowing yourself, because, like you said, it is depressing you and it is concerning you about your future as well. If you find you you are really gay and you DEEPLY LOVE a guy you might have met, then I'd be worried about a break up with your current girlfriend.

    For now, take care of your own emotional health. Go out with one guy you choose and see how it goes. It is far less harmful than keeping your mind literally sick about your sexual orientation. If you do not develop any strong feeling for this guy, then you might just be bissexual, meaning you should stay where you are, no questions asked.
     
  10. Twist

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    I want to stress that with my above post I am NOT encouraging you to cheat on your girlfriend. By "no interest in a relationship", I mean with anyone of any gender. If you want to go on a "sexual adventure", I suggest you and your girlfriend "take a break" that you both agree to. IMO, cheating on your significant other is one of the most harmful things you can do to another person and/or a relationship.

    You may also want to check in to what "cheating" means to your partner. Different people define this differently, and I've noticed that (in general) women have a far different definition of what cheating means than most men do.
     
    #10 Twist, Oct 18, 2017
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  11. whatsneb

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    I live in a fairly small city and I cannot just pick and choose gay men I find attractive with ease; the chances of me finding someone to go on a date with who was attractive, and I was likely to share enough interests with to potentially start to like them ( if I am capable of that), is slim to none. And even if I somehow did I believe my girlfriend would see going on a date with someone as a stop point for our relationship.

    I have no desire to cheat on my girlfriend, I do not even consider that right now. I know already that I like having sex with men, I have done it before. But never with guys I connected with on any level, even really in terms of strong physical attraction. Yes I liked the sex, but they were not even what I would consider hot guys, I just experimented with whoever I could find. What is really worrying me is if I am lying to myself when I say I am only romantically attracted to women, because I know I am more sexually attracted to men so if in reality I could date them, I feel like these thoughts will never go away and I will not be as satisfied in a heterosexual relationship, regardless of whether I enjoy the sex in that relationship still.

    I don't know, from the consensus of everyone here it seems like it is as I fear; there is no way to really know unless I am willing to end things with my girlfriend and go pursue relationships with men.
     
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  12. jonnemack

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    For the last time: you do not have to break up with her.

    You are getting sick and that gets me worried. In my family, I know cases of hapilly married guys that I found in gay apps and when we both finally met in reunions, we just gave each other fake smiles and moved on. You might just want that life for you, I really don't judge your actions, but I am afraid that you should at least know for sure your real feelings.

    How do you picture yourself in 5, 10 or 15 years? Sit down and talk with your girlfriend about your feelings before it becomes a giant snowball. Or not. Just assume you love her, that those were just bissexual thoughts and move on.

    You are in the doublethink scenario. You know that this quoted statement is true but you also want it NOT TO BE because you love your girlfriend. Again: have a seat and talk to her, if you really don't want to have a conversation with a guy you might have gotten interested.
     
  13. Destroyed

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    Happily married men? Cheating? I dont know how those two work but okay.

    Anyway @whatsneb, i think you should talk to your gf, before you become a jerk or arshehole by cheating. So that you can both easily sort out stuff, for it isnt love nor are you in love if you have to hide the most crucial part of you and a struggle so crucial. If their is deep love their, she will work with you, if the love isnt that strong, it may go south but it will win you major respect and adoration for the honesty, cause it makes you a beautiful soul with compassion and care.
     
    #13 Destroyed, Oct 19, 2017
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  14. whatsneb

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    I was honest with her and we talked and I told her how I had been feeling; she took it shockingly well and although she is very sad, she has hopes that these are just worries and loves me and wants us to stay together and work through this. This feels amazing to know I could get the weight of telling her off my shoulder, and that she wants to try and work through it, but now I am scared because even thought I feel less stressed having told her, I do not think it has made the thoughts disappear at all. Maybe I need more time, and I will realize it was just a mood, but I am scared that even if I give it long enough to where they are pushed to the back of my mind, that they might come back again. I wish our society was not so messed up that these messages are all contradicting in our brains because of what our sexuality and what society is telling us. I wish it was just obvious who and how much you were attracted to.
     
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  15. jonnemack

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    It is difficult, yes. Glad you had the courage to teel your girlfriend about your feelings.

    There is nothing to work through if you already decided you are not going to encounter men for conversations or dates. You need to work in yourself in order to "supress" that attraction for guys in order to keep your relationship standing.

    You are only going to have to work something with her if you feel LOVE for a man. Unless you let yourself know if that can happen, you are in the same spot from where you started this topic.
     
  16. Humbly Me

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    The thoughts won't go away. You already know you will always be curious about your feelings for other guys, and already even know the answer to them. You just refuse to admit it to yourself. You seem to think that liking guys is a problem. That it means that you can't spend your life with a girl if you love her. It's not. If you really love your girlfriend, it doesn't matter if she is the only female you are even remotely interested in. The problem comes to this, you don't really love her. You like her, and maybe your relationship is a decent one, but nothing you have said indicates that you actually want to spend your life with her. If you did, you wouldn't worry about thoughts about guys. You would be focused on her. Even if you notice cute guys when you came into daily contact, love is more than that, and you would feel unworried in your relationship if it was really love. But you don't have to love her to date her, spend time with her, maybe eventually you will love her and you will realize that, even though you have feelings for men, she is the person for you. Maybe you need someone else, and you will leave her. Just don't worry about it. Don't be concerned, just enjoy what you have, and if you can't, then you need to leave it because it is enabling you to run away from the truth about who you are.
     
    #16 Humbly Me, Oct 19, 2017
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  17. whatsneb

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    But I do love her, I am just scared that I repressed and denied my sexual attraction to men (even while accepting that i had some), and that these thoughts I am having now mean that I am really more into guys and going to try and continue my relationship with her just to create more hurt.

    Then I am also scared that I am just depressed and my anxiety/depression combined with realizing I was downplaying my sexual attraction to men and in denial still to some degree, are combining to make me think I am really gay and cannot give my girlfriend a fulfilling relationship. I am unsure which it is.

    You make t sound like you think I am definitely gay, and in denial; do you have personal experiences similar or anything that could help me understand why you seem certain of that?
     
  18. Jackie Ray

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    @whatsneb

    I have had homosexual feelings ever since I was in kindergarten, and I got to interact with other little boys who weren't my brothers. I had attraction and sexual desires both from about 6 years old, but at the time I didnt understand what sex was. I thought sex meant laying in a bed together naked, because the little girl down the story told me thats how it worked; we "did it" and after I remembered thinking its weird that grown-ups talk about this so much.

    I went through high school crushing hard on other guys and I remember it being hard because I didn't really have friends and I couldn't come out of the closet. I moved to a small city at 18, met my gay friends at 19, and lost my virginity at 21. One of my best friends was my first, it was funny because they all went to school together and had all hooked up at one point or another, but I was an out of towner. So for nearly two years I avoided the the topic of sex and wouldn't hit on guys when we were out, because I was embarrassed to tell them that I had no idea what I was doing. Until one day my friend was over my apartment and he asked me. Later he told me if I wanted to try it with him, it was okay. We did it and it was fun-ish

    After having sex I realized that I dont want a relationship because I have way too many personality quirks that would drive a boyfriend crazy and I have intimacy problems, like not being able to look at my partner during sex, because it makes me nervous. I understand the difficulties of a small city too, there is a very limited pool of gay men, half of us are besties. We do have one interesting guy though he is hetero-romantic and basically has a girlfriend but he is only attracted to and has sex with guys. I think he loves the aesthetic of having a girlfriend. His roomate knows he's gay but they live together like Lucy and Ricky its really cute, we always call her his girlfriend.
     
    #18 Jackie Ray, Oct 19, 2017
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  19. jonnemack

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    THAT.

    Honestly, the fact that you are hiding your feelings towards men just makes it harder. Is it exclusively because of your girlfriend that you are not getting into a relationship with men? Did the feelings for men grew strong only after that period of time in which you came back to your relationship with your girlfriend? What stopped you from getting involved romantically with a guy while you were experiencing it sexually?

    Love is really more than that. It feels like you are in a cage, but a somehow good cage. They feed you, they pet you, they give you toys, you've got a companion... But you also know that the outside world can be more adventurous in all means, for the better or worse. Now it seems that time is passing by and you might not have a chance to leave your cage and enjoy the world before damaging you. Just like a sliding door: it is closing and squeezing yourself through it might scratch and hurt. If you don't leave this situation now, you might enter in a higher degree of commitment with your girlfriend and if you decide to leave, those "scratches" will hurt more.

    If you don't find the "outside world" interesting and your comfort inside the cage was fulfilling, you've gotta remember your companion is the only one with the key for you go get back inside. And that's where you are. Should you stay or should you go? I honestly believe you should find true love, because like Mr. Myclosetisfull said, if it was true love, you'd not be having those thoughts (that in my opinion are the cause of your depression).

    Also please do not take me bad if I'm calling this relationship a "cage". It is a metaphore. It might be excelent, it might be paradise, you might get all the freedom you want from your girlfriend... I just didn't have a better way to explain right now.
     
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  20. whatsneb

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    No I understand, it is an apt metaphor... and when I explored sexually with guys I think I quickly told myself there was no way I could be romantically involved, but I only involved myself with unattractive weird guys, which I almost think maybe I did on purpose now to try and scare myself off, ya know?

    And yes when I started dating my girlfriend again I thought I had it all figured out and my sexual attraction to men was just sexual attraction, and I was as sexually attracted to women... now I am heavily doubting that and thinking maybe I hid from my greater attraction to men. I just do not know if it is true or if I am crazy and going to throw away a good relationship with a beautiful girl I love and end up being wrong and it was just some weird period of depression/gay thoughts