I'm wondering if those of you who used to be married to women for years before you came out to yourselves and your wives, did your wives ever suspect you might be gay? Did they ever ask or anything like that? Or did they think you were straight as an arrow all along before you came out?
Well, I was only married once which lasted ten years. I have only just started to except myself with the help of therapy and this forum. But I definitely wasn’t very good in the “relations” part of our marriage. So I’m sure she probably figured it out. She never told me, but I’m sure she had an idea. I feel bad that I wasted her time.
Kellynec....Consciously she says she had no idea at all, but after I came out to her she said that a lot of things that made no sense started to make sense! ...David
The sex part of the marriage wasn’t the best. And it definitely was because of me. Although I blamed it on my drinking and being very overweight. Now that I’m sober and in shape I really feel guilty that I wasted ten years of her life.
Hah, good question. Mine gave me mixed signals about that for years. When we first got together I was a 29 year old virgin and would have gotten turned on by a hole in the drywall. I got a lot of comments about how different I was from the other guys who were so awful to her, and frankly I found her tastes a little tame compared to the fantasies I had. But after a few years that waned...really more because I started to sense that I was being used and abused, and I lost the emotional feeling toward her that had made the physical part exciting. So her nagging and abuse made me less interested in her (more so than the lack of a Y chromosome, to be honest) - but that made her start tossing out little insults that made me think she knew I was gay. It was a vicious cycle, with the emotional nastiness leading to less and less sex and more and more comments about not being interested in girls, and more emotional nastiness and less sex. When I came out to her she said initially that she wasn't surprised, but later amended that to say that she was completely blindsided--which seemed to be her narrative when she knew it would sting the most. So did she know, guess, suspect? Damned if I know. But lately the comments keep drifting back to me that she's so much happier with her new boyfriend because he's so much more affectionate (pawing at her constantly, which even makes out kids uncomfortable). It stings a lot, because I really did love her and planned to be with her forever. I'm with a much more loving person now and am far more happy. But frankly I'm a little down tonight. I keep getting reminded of how little effort she put in to our relationship, and how much I DID, and it makes me a little sick thinking about it, I thought I was smart enough not to be used like that. My daughter texted me that Mom was rather ruthless and I shouldn't trust her. That's tough because really did trust her. One too many gin and tonics tonight. I'll be my usual Pollyanna self in the morning, but some days seem to hit more than others, especially when I feel like the bitch screwed me over yet again, and I was too trusting to watch out for it. Again.
I will add, though, that my mom tried to get me to come out to her when I was in my early 20's, a year or so before she died very suddenly. And when I came out to several other people they said they knew when I was like 10. So if my wife couldn't figure it out, it was probably because she had an ulterior motive, which she usually does.
well im Bi and trans, but during my marriage i presented as straight, even to me. and thought my transness was some sort of freakishness or fetish that had to be kept secret. she used to call me gay as a weapon, but i always denied it but honestly there were times when i did know i had an attraction to men but couldnt admit it to anyone especially my self, so when i came out it was a total shock to her, we were split by then. she claimed she had nightmares for weeks after she found out. maybe she did or maybe she was trying to make my triumph about her and get pity. pity me is her thing.
I am pretty sure neither my ex wife or later girlfriend had any idea I was gay. But then neither did I until the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back I see many signs that I didn't pick up on.
That's interesting. I've often looked back at my childhood and wondered about my dad. He was your basic working-class son of middle European immigrants, but there were things about some of his behaviors that don't fully add up, looking back. If he was closeted, it was very, very deeply and I have no doubt that he never would have acted on it, but I see far too much of my own emotional responses in him not to wonder. And all of the gay family members seem to be isolated into the family lines that start with his mother--me, my lesbian niece, a likely trans nephew, another nephew who I'm basically waiting for him to come out, an older cousin who is almost certainly gay and another who I suspect is--so it's certainly a possibility.
Choirboy, I can totally relate to your past abuse, insults, emotional nastiness & lack of effort put into the relationship from your ex.... was in the same boat once.
