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Gay man in a straight marriage

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by nce623, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. nce623

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    hi everyone,
    I am 25 years old and I am gay. I am also in a straight marriage. I really just need support and friends to talk to that understand and also know that I am not alone. I constantly feel alone in my everyday life and I am so tired of it. I would like to make connections with people that have been in similar situations as mine and have battled this for a long time. I realize this is a short post but I am very excited to be part of this group and very excited to hear everyone’s feedback.

    Thank you,
    Nick
     
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  2. Poofter

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    I’m gay, had 2 ten year marriages to two different women. You’re not the only one.
     
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  3. Poofter

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    I’m not real sure of what information or support your looking for but you can feel free to pm me or if your comfortable post it here. I will gladly talk to you.
     
  4. nce623

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    Hi Poofter,
    Well, first I am looking for someone to just hear my story and begin to understand. I grew up in a small town in Southeastern Kentucky where I was raised to be myself no matter what. But only if it pleased my mother if that makes sense. I then went through school fantisizing about men and started exploring myself sexually and found what I did like. Time went on and I never said anything to anyone about it but I feel like it was painfully obvious that I am in fact gay. I was questioned by my mother and everyone around me really but I always felt like I was unimportant to everyone around me so I kept it inside, until now.
    Years went by and I went to college and found a girl that I was attracted to but not sexually one thing led to another and now we’re married. I love her I’m not in love with her and she knows that. Please feel free to private message me if you feel that would be a better thread!
    Much appreciated,
    Nick
     
  5. Poofter

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    I had the same kind of upbringing. I was with the same guy from 7th grade to 11th but we kept things very discreet. When he broke it off with me. I started trying to live the live my parents and the church wanted me to have, met a girl, got her pregnant, got married, went full time army and moved away from my home town. Her and I split shortly after she figured out that both of us were gay. I went back to being with men and living the life that I knew to be the one I was supposed to have. Got discharged from the army and went back home. Got scared of trying to live my life and went back to what my parents wanted. I met a fantastic woman, she was into some things that would scratch my itch so to speak. One day out of the blue she asked me if I was gay. I had never lied to her, and couldn’t start at that point. I told her yes. We held it together as a family for about 6 more years. When she was ready to move on with her life we did all the paperwork ourselves and got divorced. She is still my best friend and biggest supporter. I know that when I do come fully out to my family she will still be behind me. Sometimes you have to make your own family.

    Sorry for the lack of paragraphs but I got on a roll there. Can you make it work and keep it together. Sure, is it going to be a happy joyous experience for either of you. No.
     
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  6. johndeere3020

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    Guys, you have to apply for full membership before you can pm back and forth. Until then its on a thread like this or the wall on your profile pages.

    I told my wife two weeks ago that I was bi, after 20 years together. Your SO NOT alone young man! Rural Minnesota is no different than small town Kentucky!
    Dean
     
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  7. Poofter

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    Full membership? Hmmm
     
  8. Rade

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    Hi Nick
    I was with my ex wife 20 years, married for 16, then I told her I wasn't straight. I'm older 43 and have three kids. I've since moved out....
    Don't do ANYTHING HASTY. if your going to come out and eventually leave. You must plan well for your future. Especially think about your finances. Get them in order so you can get a place to live and start your new life.
    Once your out life changes, you then have this urge to be authentic, dress differently, I'm more health conscious now, have a LGBT community around me who are incredible and better than my family. I don't sleep with them, we have this enormous respect for each other at the groups I go to. We support and truly care about each other.
    You have come to a great place here for support
    Warm regards .Jon
     
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  9. Chip

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    Hi, Nick.

    It's awesome that you're reaching out for help, and we like to think that EC is a great place to do that. It's got to feel incredibly lonely to have this feeling inside you, but not be able to tell anyone in real life. It's probably safe to say that just about everyone here at EC has felt that, or is feeling that.

    One of the suggestions I can give you is to do your best to let go of any blame you hold against yourself for the decision to get married. We all make the best decisions we can in the moment we make them, based on whatever our needs and perceived capacity is at the time. So at that moment, the decision seemed to make sense... and may well have been what you needed, or felt safe with at that time.

    Another piece worth looking at: In Joe Kort Ph.D's marvelous book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" (which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding who you are, and feeling comfortable with yourself) he has a chapter for gay men in heterosexual marriages. In that chapter, he basically says that gay men blame themselves for getting into these situations, but in his 25+ years as a therapist specializing in LGBT clients, he's found that nearly always, once the dust settles and the wife has time to think, she realizes that she knew or suspected, usually before the marriage took place, and that she probably also saw signs after the marriage. So Kort says that, in essence, the wife in these situations is complicit, because she essentially conspired with the husband to keep silent, avoid the elephant in the room, and not talk about the problem. Now... this isn't conscious, but it usually comes to the surface some time after the husband discloses that he is gay.

    The good news here is that since you are both young, there is plenty of time for both of you to find the partners you really want and need... people who can fully love and appreciate you for who you are. And in many (but certainly not all) cases, husband and wife can stay best of friends after the marriage ends.

    One other piece I can imagine may be causing problems: Tennessee isn't exactly the epitome of places where people welcome gay people with open arms. And yet... it is also changing. I know a number of people, especially in reasonable size towns like Knoxville, that have found a great group of LGBT folks around them that can be a source of support and encouragement (and perhaps dating material...).

    Also, there's no rush to come out, tell your wife, or change anything. This is something that's really important to do on your own timeframe, as it feels comfortable. I can't tell you it will be easy, that your wife will be super supportive, or that it won't be terrifying when you decide you're ready. What I can tell you is that it works out, it does get better, and as hard as it may be to imagine, in x number of years, you will most likely be in a much happier and fulfilling place in life (and so, most likely, will your wife be as well.)

    I hope you'll stick around and continue talking about what's going on for you, and jump into discussions with others where it feels appropriate to do so. One of the things that makes EC the amazing place that it is... is the support and encouragement that all of the community members share with each other.
     
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  10. Dionysios

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    I feel your pain my friend. You are gay but in a straight marriage. It's a recipe for loneliness. I'm gay and was in a marriage for 32 years. And with all those years my wife didn't dream that I was gay. So when I came out to her, it was quite a shock. Now my marriage is ending. My wife and preparing for a cordial split, but she did express her regret that I didn't come out sooner. She said if she was younger, it might be easier for her to find someone else. My brother, who is sad for my wife, just today told me that I should have come out years ago.

    Please don't let the years drift by without addressing this. When you are gay and stay in a straight marriage for years, it is more difficult and painful to end the marriage. Are you happy living like this? Are you sexually fulfilled? Are you fair to your spouse? My friend, you have to do some real soul searching. There are many good people here for you to talk to and offer you support and guidance. Take advantage of the rich depth of experience that is to be found here. Good luck!
     
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