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Gay male relationship without anal sex ?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Jamie1975, Feb 16, 2018.

  1. Jamie1975

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    Hi.

    I am currently chatting to a guy that I really like Online. Both of us have baggage/issues but he has recently disclosed that he will not give or receive anal sex.

    Can a worthwhile relationship be had without this or will I be forever resenting him because of it. In my eyes sex is what brings two people together or is this not the case.

    Please be honest, both from own experience and from what you think.

    Thanks.
     
  2. smurf

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    Its up to the individual.

    Sex is important for a lot of people, but its not the only way to create intimacy and bond together.

    Anal sex is also not the only way to have sex. Bjs, kinks, jacking off, and toys are also an amazing way to bond with another person.

    That being said, if you love anal sex and you think you need it, then yeah it might be a problem for you and that is okay and valid
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Has he offered any reason why he is so opposed to anal sex? Is he scared about his health, is he worried about mess, or is it that he's just not into it? Concerns about health and mess are valid, but they are often exaggerated and can be overcome with correct information, but if he's not into it, that's just the way it is I'm afraid.

    We can place too much emphasis on anal sex though. Yes, some gay men really do enjoy anal, while others are fairly meh about it and will happily forego it altogether, yet still have an amazing and very intimate sex life. I do think the proliferation of internet porn has reinforced the idea that sex between two guys nearly always ends in anal and that's neither accurate, nor helpful.

    You must ask yourself if anal needs to be part of your overall sex life. Will you feel deprived in some way if it doesn't ever feature? If the answer is yes, you may need to accept that the two of you will be incompatible, unless you can agree to a more open arrangement. This is something you'll need to work out and discuss in advance. It's really more important for you to be honest with yourself at this point.
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Feb 17, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
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  4. JaimeGaye

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    I agree.
    In my experience partners who tell you I won't do this and I won't do that have some internal issues involving their self identity or deeper psychological issues brought on by external influences that may have convinced the person that this or that is unacceptable, dirty, or will make them less of a person and nothing more than a whore.
    It's up to you to decide if you are wiling to accept a partner who may not be as committed or willing to accept what an unbridled sex life can offer.
     
  5. Devil Dave

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    I think you should take a chance on him.

    I've never given or received anal sex and it does make it difficult for me to connect with a lot of people because a lot of men just flat out turn me down after I let them know. I think I would like to experience it with a man that I trust and have become comfortable with (it does take me a long time to become comfortable with people) but it's definitely not something I see myself doing with a man who is just a casual hookup. Perhaps this guy feels the same way I do - maybe after you've both gotten to know each other better, he might be willing to let you be his first time?

    And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. You should respect what he wants and he should respect what you want. I just personally feel that, as gay men, we all have more to offer than just a dick and an asshole to stick one in.
     
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  6. Chip

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    I read a stat some years ago that indicated 40% of gay male relationships don't involve anal sex.

    Whether that number is true or not, I think all the previous posters have made good points. Often there are issues of vulnerability, personal insecurity, a previous history of sexual abuse, or simply fear that get in the way of someone being comfortable with anal.

    The real question is probably whether you can be happy without it. There are lots of ways to enjoy intimacy without anal, but some people feel it's an important and necessary part of a relationship for them.
     
  7. anonmember

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    Research has shown that not all gay and bisexual males engage in anal sex.
     
  8. anonmember

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    Some like oral only. I'm honestly not sure whether I like anal sex or not because I'm still a virgin.
     
  9. SemiCharmedLife

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    Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. There are things I enjoy more that require less effort haha
     
  10. JYoungBear

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    It would not be a deal breaker for me. It's more about the intimacy than what we do to get off.
     
  11. MisterMissy

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    Something I am concerned about is whether or not I will be able to be someone's bottom, and whether or not I'll even enjoy it. I have never done anything to make anal easier for myself, which may or may not be something others have to do with finger-play and anal trainers. But for me, and from what I understand about myself, there is currently no way I'll be able to receive someone without it hurting like hell. So for now, until I am possibly able to improve my physical situation, I'm putting my focus on oral and partner masturbation.

    Besides that, I think there are plenty of other creative ways to become physically intimate without literally penetrating each other. For many that's probably not enough, but for me, I have to consider the possibilities because it's all about health and comfort. If I have to hurt myself to pleasure my partner, I don't think that's a relationship I can maintain.
     
  12. Feelunique

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    I think it is up to those in the relationship sharing. It doesn't have to end or be anal sex. It's what ever works between two people. If it's important to you in a relationship with anal sex just be honest with you and your partner. I remember a wonderful relationship where he was a bottom and didn't have any desire to give oral. Anal sex didn't happen very often and ended other ways. The biggest confusion was over oral sex. I loved it and doing it and he had no desire but felt bad because he wouldn't do it ever. The struggle was being afraid maybe to say what the other felt. It worked wonderfully though after some simple talk. The relationship was way more than the sexual side. My opinion yes you can have a gay or same sex relationship without anal sex