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Gay introvert/meeting people

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kwekie, Mar 13, 2020.

  1. Kwekie

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    Honestly had a pretty bad childhood, so the trauma of that, my own poor response to it etc, im 27 and only really starting to reach a point where im healed enough to be like, a whole person, and part of that includes an actually integrated sexuality and knowing yourself, so, you know, im gay. I knew it for a while but i was way too damaged to do anything about it.

    On that note, how the fuck do you meet people? I'd be far more comfortable doing it online, but gay chatrooms seem to be a dated 90s thing, ###### is a whorehouse and meeting people in 'gay spaces' [??] seems like a college era thing. I dont have an LGBT campus to go to, im an adult. So where do I meet people not to fuck but to actually talk, in a non pressured way, and just get to know people?
     
  2. Monraffe

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    the problem with having a bad childhood is that it causes you to be defensive later in life as well. Those defense mechanisms you needed as a child are still activated in you as an adult. You can never truly relax from them. “How the fuck do I meet people” is a defensive thing to say. Chat rooms are dated. Gay spaces are college. I’m an adult. I have nowhere to go - It’s a very defensive profile. One thing you should be aware of is that when other people show their disapproval of your defensiveness, they are not rejecting you, even though that’s how it feels. They interpret your defensiveness to mean you don’t like them and that tends to make them want to distance themselves from you, that’s all. If you want to meet people, you have to show them that you like them and trust they will like you in return. That’s going to be really hard for you to do when you don’t have a history of being able to trust others. As you get older you will get better but right now the best thing you can do is be honest with people. Don’t be afraid to apologize when you see that you have inadvertently offended someone and let them know you are doing your best to do better. Go to chat rooms and gay spaces. That out-of-place feeling you are having is from your childhood experiences and, as you say, you are no longer that child.
     
  3. Kwekie

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    Your absolutely right about that, and im well aware of my mentality and am trying to fix it. But, due to my depression for years, i spent a lot of time drinking, isolating myself from people etc-- in a way depression just puts you on hold for years. So while im definitely being defensive, back up against the wall and stressed out, as thats my normal response to everything [a problem], i am also just being plainly honest, I dont know how to reintegrate myself into society. I've basically been in jail for seven years [a prison of my own mind that is]. Honestly: How do you connect with people? Where do people do this?
     
    #3 Kwekie, Mar 14, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2020
  4. Mysteria

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    I'm an introvert too, but I've always been one. My childhood wasn't ideal but I hesitate to call it traumatic even though it probably was. Anyways.

    You may have to get a little creative. Have you checked out Meetup? Our town has a lesbian social group and there's a similar group for the men. They have coffee afternoons, bar nights, dances, game night, that kind of thing. I would go to your local bars....you might find more people then you expect. I would let go of the "my age" expectation when meeting people if you haven't already. I met my gf on #######, and we're a little farther apart in age then the average couple might be. That's another option too (although I would only try it on #######). You could go on and sign up as just looking for friends, and then get to chat with people. I was set for short and long term dating, and I went out with three people for a few dates and I'm still in touch with two of them.

    Another option is to volunteer in areas you might be more likely to meet LGBTQ people. In our city, where I interned, there were quite a few LGBTQ individuals. There was also a support group for them, which I haven't been to because of transportation but could. The local HIV Alliance had several activities. These are just some ideas.
     
  5. bingostring

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    I think you need a plan that eases you in to being more sociable generally and in manageable steps that do not feel overwhelming.
    So I would start by taking up an interest that you can share in a group. Whether it is a sport (even if you aren’t sporty) there are dozens to choose from and it will widen your circle of friends which is a bonus.
    Or walking groups, cycling groups. Art courses. Learn a language.
    That process will break down a few barriers then you can move on to gay specific groups. There are plenty out there if you search long enough.
    I would not recommend the apps as they are 90% hook up purposes and it sounds like you want to make some platonic gay friendships first?
    Treat it as a challenge and take steps at a pace you can manage. You will thank yourself when you see how far you have travelled.
     
    #5 bingostring, Mar 16, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2020
  6. Madge Beurde

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    The clue here could be your interests, hobbies, fitness regime etc. Given the idea of plunging into a all gay group could be very intimidating a better strategy would be to find an interest specific group such as a gardening club, cycling club, audiophile group, etc - whatever you have and interest in and would find easier to talk about with strangers. My first suggestion would be to dip your toes into a gay group with a political or social focus, not one that’s a thin disguise for casual sex.
    Be careful if you dabble in on-line groups such as GRNDR etc. Many who use these will pretend to be ‘soul mates’ until they get you alone where they’ll suddenly forget about your supposed common interests and try and push you into casual sex. I’ve had some seriously disturbing encounters going down that path.
    You might even start here by giving us some idea of what you’re interested in. Being optimistic there could be someone who posts here with the same interests. And as others who’ve posted here advised, take it slowly.
     
  7. Kwekie

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    Writing, politics, literature. Are there actual gay clubs for these things outside of college? haha
     
  8. Kwekie

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    Yeah, im frustrated. I cant find any kind of LGBT groups in ontario outside of "support groups" for youths [or suicidal people] and things like that. I missed the middle class youth gay college experience, so theres no campus life, no groups at all, just bars and ######. sigh
     
    #8 Kwekie, Mar 22, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2020