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Gay Husband=angry wife

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Confusedfetish, Jul 7, 2016.

  1. Confusedfetish

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    I've been a fool. I've hurt, confused, repulsed and angered my wife of 22 years. I came out to her again. I say again because I've told her that I'm gay many times now. She says I'm just being dramatic and tries to ignore/minimize what I've told her. Yes she's in denial. Who wouldn't be, right? Well I have told her very recently that if she wants to ignore who I really am that's fine, but I can no longer carry on this charade. When we first met I was in somewhat in denial of my true sexual nature. I had been with guys but at the time I didn't feel gay enough to warrant coming out or even consider myself bisexual. We got married. As time went on the familiar story begins. She finds my gay porn. Not the regular (hetero)porn we had looked at on occasion together. She asked me about it and I was terrified to tell her the absolute truth. I told her I was curious and I thought that I might be bisexual. I told her that when we watch hetero porn together I get aroused by "some of the men sometimes." She bought it. Or so I thought. I think what she really did was she heard the words but refused to listen. We were both in denial. I knew then what I know now, I AM GAY. Lately, my gay sexual urges have been very strong. Strong enough for me to tell her that I'm GAY now. Not bisexual like I'd told her before, but GAY gay....homosexual! She's angry. She made fun of my sexuality and that's ok, that's me and I am. I told her I'm moving out. She told me I'm a quitter. She won't let me gather my belongings (clothes, wallet, phone etc.) What to do? Things couldn't be more screwed up for us both
     
  2. mvp 447

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    First of all, sorry to hear this mess but kudos for you since you're standing up for your feelings. Some people might like to disagree, but your wife is the bully here, and it's quite clear. Your must move on with the process BUT please be gentle. This is a devastating blow for her and reasonably so. Try to stay as friendly as possible and take all the blame yourself (even if it isn't really all your fault). Offer to help her financially if possible too.

    No matter what you do, there are going to be badly, deeply hurt feelings so keep that in mind as you go.
     
  3. mirkku

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    I agree that you should try to remain on good terms with her, despite her bullying behaviour. It's always the better option when couple separates. Feelings are hurt, but that's part of life. People move on - eventually.

    However, if things get to the point where you physically cannot move out because she holds your belongings hostage (in particularly the "vital" ones, such as your wallet, card and phone), you can call the police telling that your wife is physically preventing you from leaving her, using blackmail and refusing you access to what is yours. That's not sane/safe behaviour. You can explain that you two are in the process of getting separated, but that things are not going alright right now, and you would like it not to end up in a physical fight. Having a policeman staying with her while you gather your stuffs is thus an option.

    Throwing it here: does your wife work? The simplest way to avoid a fight is to know when there can be an hour window where you could pack your things - very important: wallet and phone!

    As previously said, the ideal situation would be for you two to separate in a civilized manner. However her refusing to be cordial does not mean you can't be, and that will be your best weapon in case things go very wrong. Be kind. (But firm)

    Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  4. LoveInSpace

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    Wow okay, I just have to say I am so surprised to find someone else in this situation.

    You've come out to your spouse and they don't seem to care or think that it's real or important.

    I think I've had to come out to my husband like several times a year, and we are still together because of the kids.

    These past few days I have been talking a lot with him about how it is really better for him as well as me that we have an honest relationship, as well as I have been as honest as I can be while still being kind about how I find the current situation impossible.

    Be kind. Tell her what you need. Be honest. It will be okay. I'm with you.
     
  5. mvp 447

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    Him disregarding your feelings is another form of bullying. You do NOT have to stay in the marriage because of children and you do NOT have to do so because of what society will think (you broke up their home, blah, blah, they'll live, kids are resilient). Be true to yourself.
     
  6. Zen fix

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    I don't think you've been a fool. You went through a confusing process and have realized something true. The right thing to do now is what you did. You told her the truth. It's understandable that after the many years you've both invested that she would be upset. Hopefully she will come to realize that you are doing the best thing for her and you.
     
  7. Benway

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    I'm assuming you're a pretty domesticated guy with a job and a stable income, so call a lawyer and have them issue her an ultimatum. Your wife sounds just terrible, no offense. I've dealt with women like her in the past and it's a no-win scenario. Call a divorce lawyer from a friend's phone or some form of domestic dispute lawyer and get your things and get the hell out of there. She sounds absolutely poisonous and you're not doing yourself any favors by trying to make things right with her.