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Gay guys: What should I do to become more attractive?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Joe2001, May 14, 2018.

  1. Joe2001

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    I keep looking into the mirror and feel as if I am really unattractive. I am only 16, but I don't look it (not in a good way). Absolutely 0 redeeming features.

    Gay guys have the highest standards of all, so if I ever want to find a boyfriend, I need to do something. What can I do? I have heard that most gay guys have body issues, but this is a real issue for me. I'm not trying to get a Tom Daley type body, but something that is much more attractive than what I am just now.
     
  2. Destin

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    I've spent a lot of time trying to make myself look good because yes I have body issues. Something I've learned is that it doesn't matter how good you actually look - you need to feel confident in yourself to feel like you look good. I got used to taking two showers a day, shaving my face twice a day, shaving chest hair and trimming other hair every few days, getting a stylish haircut every month, working out every day and taking many workout supplements, skin creams, wearing tight-fitting designer clothes, jewelry and anything else I could do to improve appearance. You know what? It didn't help. People complimented me and stuff sure, but inside I still felt short, ugly and weak.

    If you want to be more athletic do it because you like it, not to look more attractive. People already find you attractive and you just don't notice. You don't need to obsess on looking better to find a partner, just be yourself and look however makes you comfortable.
     
  3. Biguy45

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    I think I’ve gone out of the way to make myself unattractive to people. It happens anyway though
     
  4. Joe2001

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    There isn't any chance that someone finds me attractive. I've only ever been complimented by my mother, and we all know that isn't a real compliment.

    I'm not very athletic but am willing to put in the work to lose weight and get a decent body whilst I am still young (although I do have like another 20 years of being young).

    I can't be confident until I feel good in myself. That's why I want to take action to improve myself.
     
    #4 Joe2001, May 14, 2018
    Last edited: May 14, 2018
  5. OGS

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    The main thing is confidence. I fully believe if a person could just convince themselves they were hot as f#÷k it would be at least 90% as effective as actually being physically hot--maybe even more since there are a lot of people out there who really are startlingly physically attractive who still lack self-esteem.
     
  6. Joe2001

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    You can't be confident if you don't like what you have though. It does seem to be a major issue for a lot of gay people, but I do think that there is no point in me trying to be confident when I have nothing to feel confident about.
     
  7. Joe2001

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    I feel that I have potential but no idea actually how to reach it. Is it impossible to be good looking at 16?
     
  8. Destin

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    No, but honestly most people do get a lot better looking around 20 compared to mid-teens. That seems to be when people really grow into their body and get more comfortable. Losing the teen issues like acne helps too.

    I don't know what you look like of course, but guaranteed there is something attractive about you. You'd be surprised what people notice. I notice fingernails for example. I don't like the shape of mine so I notice when people have good looking fingernails. Many people feel that way about particular small things like that. Maybe you have a nice hair color, or hands, or eyes. That one small thing will make you attractive to people even if you don't think so.

    You can be confident even if you don't like how you look - just be confident in your personality and try to find at least one thing you like about yourself physically so when you look in the mirror you can look at that one spot and feel good about yourself. That little extra feeling of confidence will make you feel a lot better about yourself.
     
  9. Chip

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    The problem is, it doesn't work that way. What you're dealing with is shame, the belief that you aren't good enough. And as long as that feeling is there, no matter how perfect your body is, how great your clothes fit you, how fabulous your hair looks... you won't be able to see yourself as attractive. I know a number of guys who are models, the sort who turn heads in any room they walk into. And you know what? Most of them think they are horribly ugly and hate themselves. They spend hours primping and prepping to look beautiful, but they never, ever believe that they do look good. So one "meh" comment and they fall apart.

    Feeling good about yourself is believing in yourself and knowing that you're appealing and attractive as you are. Take an hour and watch Brené Brown's three TED talks on Youtube: The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, and Listening to Shame. If you listen and taken in what she says... it could potentially be life changing for you.
     
  10. quebec

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    Joe2001....As others have said, having confidence will actually make you more attractive. So the questions is, How to get confidence? The idea of a good-looking ( hot :old_smile: ) guy doesn't hurt a cool hair cut and wearing clothes that are in fashion and look good isn't bad either. The important part of that is to realize the clothes do not "make the man", but they can make you feel a little more comfortable and accepted. I was terribly shy in JH/HS. I overcame that when I was in a play and discovered that on stage I was acting...I wasn't me...I was another person, so I didn't have to be shy. I took that idea into my everyday life and pretended to be someone who wasn't shy and could talk to people...after a while I really became that person. Being able to talk to people instead of "fading into the background" can be a big part of being accepted. Remember that being more "attractive" is about more than just looking good. Being someone that others want to be around is about your entire personality, not just how you look...OK looking good helps...but it's only part of the whole thing.
    Good luck and hope you can work this out and start feeling good about yourself!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  11. gravechild

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    There isn't a way to make yourself attractive to everyone. You could start by accepting the parts of you you can't change, and "owning" them. Aside from things like grooming habits and social skills, its a state of mind. I've always found it ironic that a lot of older, "unattractive" folk are surrounded by friends, happy, and don't give a flying toss what others think of them, while younger folk who have "everything" don't appreciate them.

    As for "high standards", I'd say its more shallow bs for many young gay men (or men in general). Seriously, why want a bunch of creeps to want to f*** you and dump you? There's more to life. Put it this way, your first partner is yourself. Who else are you guaranteed to spend the next few decades with?? So make HIM happy, first.
     
  12. SubZero

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    Like others have said, confidence is definitely key here. Yes, there are other traits people are generally attracted to (physical traits, personality, etc) but having confidence is definitely a must. If your not confident in yourself, other people will feel that negative vibe from you.

    Building on that confidence can be tricky, so try to do things that will make you feel better about yourself. If you think you don’t have an “attractive” body, go for long walks, jog, lift weights, do exercises, etc. If you want to change your image, try a new hairstyle, buy new clothes, change glasses (if you wear them)... etc.
     
  13. SevnButton

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    There are some really good points in this thread. I've seen people who by all popular culture standards would be judged to be unattractive, but they have a cheerfulness and interest in others that was simply radiant. That's available to anyone who is willing, and can get past whatever is holding them back. @Joe2001 , you are as worthy as anyone else on this planet. It would be OK to feel good about yourself. And here's something really cool: you get to feel good about heading in the right direction, and that can start right now. Good luck! We're all cheering you on!
     
  14. Joe2001

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    Hello all. Thanks for the advice.

    Once I am done with exams, I do plan to exercise more, but I'm unsure of what type would be the best to do. I'm quite frankly over cycling (especially when my dad goes with me), and am not into any specific sports. Maybe the gym?

    I think that my lack of confidence has came out of the fact that no one has ever said anything (except for someone nearly 4 years ago). Most gay guys that are in the media or on YouTube are exceptionally good looking, and whilst I'm not trying to look like Tom Daley or someone as fit as him, quite frankly, I don't want to still look the same as I do now. I want to be good looking in my teens or 20's, and the thing that saddens me is that I feel as if I have a lot of potential but when I ask someone IRL, they are useless at advice.

    A lot of you are talking about confidence, and I understand that, but I need something to be confident about. It's tough to find a solution given that I don't have an image of myself.
     
  15. Barbatus

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    @Joe2001 Clearly you do have an image of yourself, it's just a highly negative one. When I was in secondary school I was very introvert and struggled in a social situations (like parties). When I went to uni I was in a situation that forced me to be more outgoing. The key is confidence - people react to confidence much more than they do appearance. But when I first built up confidence I faked. I acted confident, and it was an act, that eventually become actual confidence. As @quebec said acting the part at first is a big part of it, project confidence and other people will take you s confident - after all they aren't mind readers. And see it as an experiment, try just talking to people without investing any great hopes in the outcome and see how it goes.

    But you need to think @Chip said, you can't waited around for something to give you confidence, you have to work on it yourself. Pretty much everything in live has to come from you, things like confidence don't just happen. You can't wait for something 'good' to make you confident. You have to work at confidence and work on how you behave to bring about the changes in yourself that you want.

    Watch those videos Chip suggested and see if that helps you understand the role of shame in seeking external validation rather than internal validation.
     
  16. Joe2001

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    I'll try and build up some more confidence but that does come over time. My project for this summer is to get fit, and maybe that will improve my appearance. I don't think anyone IRL really cares so it is tough to really be able to do anything more. I also think that my lack of confidence comes from the fact that I am always picked on by my sister for my appearance.
     
  17. PatrickUK

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    You mentioned Tom Daley a few times in this thread and I would only remind you that Tom Daley (and other sportsmen and women) didn't get fit in a summer. For them, fitness and nutrition is a way of life - it has to be. If you want to emulate Tom Daley you'll need to dedicate yourself to an ongoing regime.

    You've received a lot of good advice in this thread and I'm not going to duplicate it. I will only say that you must do all of this for you and attractiveness comes from within. You can work out and preen yourself as much as you like, but if your character and attitude is all wrong it's a pointless exercise. The reason so many guys like Tom Daley is because he is a fundamentally nice person with a positive attitude to life.
     
  18. Joe2001

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    Obviously trying to be like TD is unrealistic, as people like him train for all of their life to look as good as they are. He really is the cherry on the cake though as alongside his looks, is a really good person.
     
  19. Joe2001

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    I know this may sound stupid but I'm thinking of getting rid of my Glaswegian accent. I don't think mine sounds attractive at all, and if I picked up something else, I may sound better. I don't know who I will fall in love with, but I would love to get an English guy.
     
  20. SevnButton

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    @Joe2001 , here's an idea for you: I don't know what it's like in your part of the world, but here people are so much into their daily activities that they seem to forget about each other. What you can do is give people eye contact. It's hard here because so often people just look right past you. But when it happens, all you have to do is smile for a moment, and maybe even say "hi". Don't hang onto it too long and make it awkward. But in that moment as you acknowledge each other's existence, you'll both feel good. Then you have the opportunity to feel confident about being a guy who takes interest in the people around you.

    You're moving in the right direction, man! Keep it going!

    =Sevn