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Gay guys: How do you feel about being "the gay best friend"?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Joe2001, Jan 17, 2020.

  1. Joe2001

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    This is something that I've noticed where some women seem to want a "gay best friend", sometimes to do activities such as shopping or whatever else. My sister has even said once that she wants one and was offended when I said that I don't agree with the idea of girls wanting a stereotypical gay male best friend.

    I appreciate that they may want a male friend without the risk of being hit on, however, sometimes I feel it is all for show and nothing about it is genuine and often times, it is basically based on stereotypes, as if they feel that all gay guys are like the guys from Queer Eye (with all due respect to them).

    It's kinda happened to me as I was the only guy in my French class last year in school (me and 5 girls). On one hand, I had a fun chemistry with them but on the other hand, it did feel like I was putting on a show to entertain them and it wasn't a really genuine two-way connection/friendship. I am a naturally funny person in real life (doesn't really translate on a forum) but I do wonder if I went from funny to sassy which may have caused this dynamic. Looking at my uni classes for the new eemester, very few of the guys in my classes from last semester seem to be in my classes this time and in some, it looks like I may be the only guy which sucks. :frowning2:

    What do other gays think about girls wanting you to be their "gay best friend"? Ever experienced it? Interested to hear your thoughts and experiences.

    Please note that I'm not trying to come across sexist, but this idea of a gay best friend bother me a bit.
     
  2. HM03

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    Rarely, my friends will bring it up as a joke. If I felt someone was trying to be my friend solely because I'm gay, I just wouldn't be friends with them. Even if somebody was seeking out friends with a similar experience trait (ie both are christian), I feel like it's super unhealthy to have a bond based 90% on one minor part of my identity.
     
  3. Destin

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    I had this pretty severely when I first came out. Almost overnight like 15 of my female acquaintances I barely talked to before suddenly wanted to be friends. After hanging out with them I realized it was the gay best friend thing, and they would literally ask me to go shopping with them and ask me fashion advice. At first it was fun and I liked it, and yeah I did the sassy gay friend thing thinking that's what they wanted...but it got annoying after a few weeks. After I went back to my real personality and didn't want to go shopping and stuff with them anymore, most of them lost interest in being friends.
     
  4. Joe2001

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    Somehow, I don't think they actually wanted to be friends and instead just wanted a guy to take them shopping. Friendship should be a 2 way street.
     
  5. Tritri

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    Never experienced it. And I would not want to be anyone's "gay best friend". I don't like shopping for shopping's sake, especially for things like clothing and jewelry, and I don't like fashion either.
    I don't even get the fashion thing. Most stereotypes are statistically true, but I doubt that a given gay man is any more likely to be into fashion than a given straight man. Even extremely flamboyant gay men typically don't care about fashion, from my experience anyway.
    This, just like the reverse situation (where people who used to be your friends, suddenly aren't after coming out) demonstrates how fake friends work. They like you for something you're not.
     
  6. OGS

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    Never done it and I'm not a real fan of the guys who do...
     
  7. Benway

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    I don't think I'd mind too much. I like shopping and going to the mall, but not necessarily for the same things girls like to shop for. But I don't think I'd have too much of a problem with it if I had an emotional connection with the girl who wanted to be my "hag." It'd certainly impress a lot of my straight friends, considering I have virtually no female friends, other than my Mom and some of my friends' moms. But do they want to do something like going shopping with me? I don't know, maybe. So I'm not opposed to it, and I certainly wouldn't be opposed to it if I had a lot of money to throw around. That'd be fantastic because then I'd be able to go places and do things.
     
  8. Chizu

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    I've been surrounded by women before and it's not fun. I'll be a woman's friend as I'd be a man's friend, but overall I don't think I'm friend-material to anyone, really.
     
    #8 Chizu, Jan 17, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
  9. Ram90

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    Ok. This is where it gets slightly confusing for me. Most of my school and college life, I hung out with girl groups, because most of my male classmates fell into two distinct groups - the jocks, who spoke about sports and all macho stuff; and the uber-nerds, who would be obsessed with mathematics, physics and chemistry all the time. I was more in tune with music, language and literature. Fortunately or unfortunately that meant I was stuck with most of the girls in the class. It wasn't too bad, but it did mean that I was teased and ridiculed for not being "male" enough.

    But was I a fashion guru? A Make-up genius? In tune with the latest TV shows, movies and gossip? No, no and no. So unless the girls liked to talk about books and music, I really didn't have much in common with them either. That said, almost all my best friends (only a few to begin with) are girls. We don't talk a lot or hang out a lot, but when we do, we do talk and shop and go out and eat. I don't do that with my male best friends or friends to speak of. I feel more comfortable doing that with my female friends. Does that make me the stereotypical gay best friend? I dunno. But I think my friends are happy to have me around, a guy that doesn't hit on them, and who they can talk about hot guys with. Ha ha ha.
     
  10. gravechild

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    My female friends were more the tomboy/goth variety, so the dynamics were completely different.

    And sure, it would be no different than making friends with a black person, because you assume they're all great at sports. Genuine friendships will grow, while the fake ones based on stereotypes and false expectations will peter out.
     
  11. Mirko

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    I can't say that I have been in the situation you have experienced but if I would have somebody coming up to me wanting to be my best gay friend, I'd turn around and leave for the very reason you mentioned: friendship should be a two way street, without being used by someone or 'just being there for a particular purpose.' It should be much broader than that.
     
  12. Joe2001

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    Thanks all for your input.

    Reason I asked is because it seems as if I am the only guy in one of my classes (1 guy, 18 girls!) and one out of a few in others. I kinda wanted to be more open about my sexuality this semester, but I fear about girls suddenly wanting me to be their bestie just because I'm gay. Also fear that it could be awkward being the only guy unless I act overly gay like last time.
     
    #12 Joe2001, Jan 19, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
  13. Rin311

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    I hate it, and would never play along to that stereotype. I've kind of been in situations like this my whole life, so I keep my distance from girls who want my company for superficial reasons. I'm Korean, born and raised outside of Korea, and ever since K-dramas and K-pop became popular here I've had random girls (always girls) trying to be my friends for no other reason that me being Korean (throw in lots of cringy stuff like them calling me "oppa" and stuff). It's another form of fetishization. I personally refuse to go along with that. I will not be friends with anyone who wants to hang out with me because they expect me to play into their stereotypes/fantasies. I'd rather be friends with people who like me as a person.
     
  14. Mirko

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    If you wanted to be more open about your sexuality, I'd say go for it!

    I wouldn't worry about girls wanting a best gay friend at this point. If it does come up, you can deal with it when it does. Enjoy being yourself as much as you can without doing anything more or acting overly gay (to use your terms), in the meantime.
    Studying can bring its own stresses. Try not to add to it by feeling you can't be yourself. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Batman

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    Not really the same situation but one of my straight friends definitely uses me as like the token gay friend, to excuse some of her kinda homophobic opinions. One of those "I'm not homophobic, my friend is gay" situations.

    Wanting to be friends with someone based on their sexuality isn't cool, and I'd stay away. Especially if you feel being in that sort of friendship would make you act in a way you otherwise wouldn't. Your sexuality should just be a random detail about you, not something brag-worthy.
     
  16. Devil Dave

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    I hated it when girls tried to make me their gay best friend. It's a form of objectification, and the girls who think its ok to treat every gay guy like that can go fuck themselves.

    I may be gay, but I still prefer to hang out with girls who have some depth to their personality. Don't use me as an excuse to get drunk and act like one of those shallow, air-headed sluts that you try to convince everybody else you aren't. Bitch.
     
  17. Andrew99

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    Completely agree.
     
  18. Tightrope

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    I believe this dynamic is about control more than anything else. It's sort of toxic when you think about it. I don't think women treat these men as well as they would a guy they'd be romantically interested in. The quick departure tells you they were not real friends to begin with.

    I would agree that I am not a fan of them, either. You almost want to enlighten these guys but it won't happen.

    If it's not a two way street, it's not even a friendship.

    I chimed in because I have had friendships with women. Some say they don't work. Most of the time they don't. They either do it because they want watered down male companionship without the sexual pressure or they have a thing for the guy, where they know where he stands sexually and want to change it can or overlook it ... or they don't know. One reason men might have friendships with women is because they are willing to talk about more things than men. Some men have one or two track minds and, if you're not on the same track, you won't be friends with them. Happily married women and women that you know from having a work situation in common may make for better opposite sex friends. It's probably better to have them as good acquaintances than as BFFs.
     
    #18 Tightrope, Jan 19, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
  19. Joe2001

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    I do try to be myself but that is making group tasks very awkward. It's as if because I am shy, most girls I come across are aloof unless I act flamboyant/sassy and that isn't really me. For all of the flak that I've given straight men in the past, the majority of guys last semester were fairly forthcoming to me despite my shyness and when I worked with them in tasks, I actually produced some strong work which I was proud of. Two days in a row now, I've had horrendous group work experiences in each of the all-female classes. Not giving them the full blame, I'm far from perfect, but they just seem to be disinterested. That said, just from observing how these classmates interact with each other, I can bet that they will want me to be their GBF if I ever came out though, so that's even more time in the closet.

    As it stands, only guy in all 3 tutorial classes, everything else is lectures (I'm a front row guy due to eyesight). I'm really upset actually since I was hoping to make uni a fresh start to finally find friends but my anxiety combined with the lack of people that I gel with and the fact that so many people have switched classes has made it impossible. And since I don't have any hobbies (my free time is spent on the internet or watching Reality TV), clubs aren't an option. I've officially ruined any chances I had.
     
    #19 Joe2001, Jan 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2020
  20. Destin

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    This is a trap, don't let yourself get stuck in it. Nearly everything you just wrote is experienced by every university freshman who isn't naturally super extroverted. They try some stuff freshman year, it doesn't work, and they get discouraged. Because they're discouraged, they put less effort in sophomore year, which gets worse results. Less effort, worse results junior and senior year. They get stuck in the trap of "I tried and it didn't work so now I'm doomed" which then makes it worse, when if they had just continued to put in more effort as time went on it generally ends up fixing itself near the beginning of sophomore year since they've then had enough time to establish new friends and groups, get new hobbies etc.

    You don't necessarily need hobbies to join a club either, a huge portion of college clubs are focused on community service, shared career goals etc. although developing hobbies that involve other people certainly helps.

    As proof, here's a screenshot of my university's club website. You can see there are 753 in total (and these are just the officially recognized ones, there's tons more that aren't). You really think they're all based on hobbies? We literally have a humans vs. zombies club where people chase each other around campus shooting each other with nerf guns. There's also a Dagorhir club, which is just people hitting each other with foam swords and shields pretending to be knights.