Gay guys and types of friends

Kind people make the best friends! I have no gay friends because I don’t know anyone gay. I have a couple of straight male friends, who know I’m gay, that are the best! They are younger than I am, but they are kind and accepting and we talk nearly every day. I have a couple of awesome female (straight) friends in their 40s who accept me. What I know... kind people, no matter their sex or sexually make the best friends.

We all have things we need to improve upon, so don’t beat yourself up so much. Work on finding one good friend and that will open up others for you. I will say, there are lots of great people out there- you will find them. Until that day arrives, you have us!

 

I have a fairly small number of gay male friends, not because I get along with them less but because I don't really do social activities along the lines of sexuality (I rarely go to gay bars, most of my friends I are through uni). I can feel uncomfortable in a circle of all women, all straight men and in situations of all gay men. Group bonding on the basis of immutable identity can feel restrictive, setting the tone for the interaction whether you're within or outside the dominant identity group in any given circumstance.

Unless, like OGS, you happen to find a level of trust and bonding with other gay men on which you can base further pillars of friendship, deliberately cultivating only gay male friends might be disappointing. Especially in high school, friendships developed on the basis of sexuality are likely to revolve around sexual identity. That isn't to say you shouldn't have them. But it is to say they might end up, after some time, being less deep and lasting than you might have hoped.

High school is often unhappy on the friendship front. But in the next few years and especially going into uni, my advice would be to go shallow and wide before narrow and deep. Instead of trying to create a close, meaningful friendship with gay men, you could try to develop a wider circle of casual friends, both in their numbers and diversity (not just demographically but also in the sense of where you meet them and what interests you have in common). Out of that, you can learn more about yourself and who exactly clicks with you as a sort of friend you want to have.

You don't need to rush it (or at least I'm trying to justify how lonely I was at sixteen). I only have a tiny handful of friends remaining from when I was sixteen. People go through phases of friendships, acquiring new ones, letting old ones fizzle out. Each time you go through that process, you get closer to realising who suits you and in what circumstances, having slowly acquired a group of friends from multiple stages of your life.

That's not the only way to do it and many people are far better at friendships than I am. But it's done me quite a bit of good to think like that.

 

The consensus seems to be "as long as they don't hit on me". Otherwise, I think certain behaviors might be unnerving? Certainly, the sort of cattiness that seems common in some groups would be completely at odds with how things are done in many straight male land. It's also not unheard of for straight men to ask in private for advice on fashion, home decorating, relationships, etc.

Depends on how mature and secure they are, really. Unless Strictly is your only interest, you're bound to find something in common.

 

Some of my straight friends go to dance classes to meet girls.

Maybe you're of a certain age group where a lot of young men are insecure about their sexuality. You said you're going to uni, so I'll assume a lot of guys your age haven't had a lot of experience with girls yet and are not ready to hang with gay guys, and I think that's quite natural. They probably still have that schoolboy mentality and think that dancing is "for girls and gays".

But then consider this - most of the male contestants and instructors on Strictly are straight and in heterosexual marriages. And we've all heard about the Strictly Curse where celebs run off with their trainers at the end of the show. You might also notice that when they do have gay celebrities on Strictly they normally don't get very far in the show and end up being the comedy act, while the strapping heterosexual celebrities get much further.

This might sound odd, but pursuing an activity where you are required to rub yourself up against a sexy lady in a skimpy outfit is far more appealing to a straight man than a gay man.

 

Never underestimate men's inability to grow up

 

Just be yourself, be nice, and be open to interacting with people. People of all varieties will be drawn to you if you seem like the kind of person they want to be friends with and you are interested in some of the same things.

 

Some girls are just looking for a friend you know, not necessarily a "gay best friend" and I think it's those girls you want as a friend, not the ones who want to use as an accessory.

 

Joe, you don't seem to be absorbing anything that people are telling you on this thread. We are responding to your questions and thoughts and sharing our experiences with you, but you're not responding to our replies, you just keep asking the same questions and saying the same things over and over again about what impressions you get of straight men and women, not based on actual interactions you've had with them.

You said you want to be the "best you can be" how exactly do you intend to do that? You can start by being the best LISTENER you can be and take the time to think about what sort of information people are sharing with you.

Whatever sort of people you imagine having friendships with probably don't exist. So you'll need to be open to whatever sort of people you do get lumbered with in real life. And it's not helpful to constantly assume the worst of everyone, including yourself.

 

Joe, I don't think friendship works the way you think it does. It's a bit more organic--at least the real kind is. Unless they're just beating down your door I wouldn't be putting a lot of qualifications on it before you even meet people. Sure, only hang out with people you like, but try not to have too many assumptions about who you will like. Plus, you never know how things will unfold. You never know when that nice, sporty straight guy will introduce you to the three gay guys from his rugby team. I know you think I'm kidding, but the fact of the matter is, once you don't need help meeting gay guys, it becomes a bit irritating the regularity with which straight people feel the need to introduce you to every gay guy they've ever met. Ride with it. You never know where it might lead.