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Gay dating economics

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Jun 11, 2019.

  1. nerdbrain

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    About a month ago, I created a new profile on a gay dating app, and I've gotten maybe 3 messages and zero responses.

    A little context: in this app (removed by mod), I've described myself as a "masc bottom." In another app (removed by mod), I'm a "dom top" seeking trans women. Same photo. And I use a number of other apps for dating cis women.

    All these are true aspects of my sexuality; I'm not lying, just marketing different parts of myself to different audiences, I guess.

    But the one where I have the least success is the one I desire (and struggle with) the most. Gay bottoms are a dime a dozen. Tops have all the power and value. I've seen that very clearly in my role as a top -- even though I advertise explicitly for trans women, and have no interest in topping other guys, I get plenty of taps and messages from men.

    So it's clear to me that being a bottom sexually is the least valuable sector of an already devalued demographic. I'm like a plain, unremarkable 40 year old woman in the hetero dating market -- basically invisible. I totally get it: if I were even a moderately attractive top, I'd be focused on young hot guys too.

    One of many reasons why I struggle with this aspect of my sexuality. And why it's been so hard for me to experiment, even in NYC.
     
    #1 nerdbrain, Jun 11, 2019
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  2. OnTheHighway

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    YOUR ARE USING SUCH A NARROW SOURCE FOR DEFINING YOURSELF!!!!!

    C’mon! Apps are not the way to establish one’s value. In fact, its the exact opposite!!!!! If you want to loath yourself and feel bad about yourself, then limiting your outreach to the LGBT community solely through apps is going to be a the way to do it.

    If, however, you want to value yourself and see yourself as part of a broader part of the rainbow, you NEED to focus on other social avenues.

    This is one of the main problems with apps, they distort and limit ones self image. Your better than that!!!!!!
     
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  3. Destin

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    Having quite a lot of experience with that app, I can promise you that strategy isn't going to work. The actual trans women on that app hate it when people "hunt" for them like that. They go out of their way to avoid/block anyone whose profile says seeking trans because it's kind of offensive to them that they're being sought out just for being transgender like they're a type of rare toy to entertain yourself with instead of an entire person. If you're into them, no problem, just approach them like anyone else instead of making it clear you're hunting for specifically transgender people and you'll have much better results with them.

    Also, I noticed you said "picture" as in singular. It's common for people to take random pictures from the internet and claim it's their own on that app, which has led to people not trusting those who only have one picture. For ideal results, have at least 3 or 4 good, flattering pictures that show your face in a variety of situations outside of your house. The less selfies the better, and having at least one picture with other people in it too helps significantly. This communicates that you're less likely to be a fake account due to multiple pictures, you're not hiding and anxious due to showing your face, and you have friends and a life as shown by the variety of situations, non-selfie pictures, and group picture.
     
    #3 Destin, Jun 11, 2019
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  4. Nickw

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    Man. You insist on making yourself feel bad. Hookup apps can be a very demeaning experience.

    And, is just getting laid really going to do it for you? What about going on a date and trying to relate to another gay man. Maybe feel a connection before you have sex?

    I've been on about ten hookup's. And, I don't f$$k on a hookup. For the most part, I've met some nice guys, had a beer, fooled around a little. For the most part, the intimacy was not anything to write home about.

    Several are friends now with no intimacy at all. Two of the guys became lovers. One for a couple months. One for 7 months now.

    With both of these guys, the sex and the intimate sharing became better and better each time. My current FWB and are amazed every time.

    I think you sell yourself short by not going for this type of relationship. You hate being gay and then reduce being gay to a hour at a time with a stranger in the hopes of being satisfied?

    I love my two boyfriends. Everything about my interactions with them makes me happy I can feel this way about a man. This makes gay valuable. It is not something to loathe or hate.

    But, if I had to search for someone to satisfy a "dirty part" of me I hated, I cannot imagine I would ever feel like i would want that to be who I am.

    To be clear. I am not judging this behavior. For some, it is OK. But, in all the time I've read your posts it just doesn't seem like this is good for you.
     
    #4 Nickw, Jun 11, 2019
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  5. nerdbrain

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    Thanks for all the responses.

    Just for the record, I’ve met some lovely trans girls and dated them for awhile. I don’t do hookups either. In my experience if you don’t specify trans you won’t reach them.

    Also in my other profile I indicate that I don’t do hookups and want to get drinks/coffee first. Maybe that’s the problem?

    Should I be using traditional dating apps instead? Like Tin...
     
  6. Nickw

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    So. Why aren't you seeing these wonderful people on a regular basis?
     
  7. nerdbrain

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    I am, I’ve actually been dating quite a bit lately.

    But not dating men. And always topping sexually.

    I enjoy dating girls, both cis and trans. It feeds my ego and part of my sexuality. But the bottoming fantasies and the feelings that come with that are much stronger.
     
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  8. Adam1981

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    I despise dating apps, gay and str8. I have had zero luck finding a transgender to date online, although that would be perfect for me, the transgenders I meet online are all sex workers and prostitutes. Meeting a woman on a app is almost impossible, their inboxes are completely long jammed and getting a response is almost impossible, at least for me anyways. Gay “dating” apps are ok, finding a guy to play with is easy as long as you can host but I’m to the point where taking a risk and having a strange man come over for sex sounds too risky, maybe I’m too paranoid. I never had the desire to date a man although numerous female friends have said I should try.
     
  9. nerdbrain

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    Hi Adam, it’s definitely rough out there. I can identify with everything you said. I happen to live in NYC where the sheer density of people makes it more likely to match. As far as non-paid trans women go, they are in short supply for sure. I’ve been lucky in that respect. Their challenge seems to be finding men who don’t treat them just as sex objects. I also don’t like the idea of having random sex with men (or anyone really). And I struggle with the idea of dating men too. But I’m trying to be more open to that.

    Good luck.
     
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  10. Adam1981

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    I enjoy playing with men sexually but actually dating a guy romantically just hasn’t been an interest, although female friends who know of my sexual history encourage me to try, there was a cute transgender who worked at the food lion across from my job I was going to ask her out but I chickened out and now she doesn’t work there anymore. Such is life I guess.