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gay cravings... am i gay? suffering from an addiction?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by bojan, May 19, 2020.

  1. bojan

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    I would like really some advice and someone who can understand me.
    I made this profile in 2016 cause i was confused about my sexuality. Now it's 2020 and i am still not understanding whats happening. I have been confused since i was 16 now i am 25 and i have a girlfriend for 2 years now and i love her really much and i want to marry her.

    when i was a kid like 8 years old... i would masturbate to women magazines and straight porn a lot...since i only had male friends when i was a kid when growing up... i would want to do the things with my guy friends.... like when i saw male and female kiss i would grab my friend and kiss him i was really young and didn't understand what was going on... but as more i got older i kept doing more stuff like grabbing my friends penis or asking him can i put it in my mouth as a result i got called alot of the time gay and got bullied cause older people saw what i was going and made fun of me....as i got older i would randomly have a gay dream and i would seriosly question my sexuallity i would go and check gay porn if it turns me on.. and i would realize i was attracted to women and want women... but as i was turning 16 the more i watched straight porn the more i kinda wanted to be in womans place i would imagine i was her the longer i had that fantasy and the longer i watched the more gay porn started turning me on, i would start crossdressing, taking pictures of me on gay sites i would get so horny when i got so many likes and comments, i would flirt with men online, but that would only happen when i get horny and the thing is women cause it.. like i would be outside and see really hot woman and think to myself wow shes hot i would bang.. and after 5 minutes gay urges kick in... and at the begging it would be really rare...When I get horny I start thinking about men, wanna watch gay porn have wild gay sex... But the second after I "finish" up, I instantly regret watching men, and instantly feel disgusted by men, Like I feel like throwing up cause I think men are so nasty, smelly, ect...
    Its not "Denial", im just not attracted towards men right afterwards, And I dont understand why. when this urge kicks in i feel like all i want is to have sex with men be extremly submisive its like that only exists for me... i never go outside and look at men... 99% time i see women.... in my whole life i only saw 2 men who were really hot and they were like extremley considered hot, i only find 1 type of gay porn really hot when horny. that is big uscled dominant man and a small girly looking man being submisive that type of porn extremly turned me on while doing all these things... after some time i gave in and had found a guy and had sex with him.. and yes in the moment i thought it was amazing and best thing ever.... but soon as i orgsamed i didnt want to do anything with him i just wanted to go home and never do it again... after some time i found another guy and had sex with him to... the same thing... the 3rd time i said to myself enough was enough... need to stop it... it was consuming me... i didnt want to be treated like that... but when horny i loved it.... basicly the last time was really extreme... i was crossdressed in heels and everything and been used by 3 guys in the same time.. they were basiclly taking turns, destroying my mind... insulting me, slapping me etc there were even some drugs involved i dont know what kind of drugs but they told me it enhanced feelings well yeah i was drugged,, the whole thing while it was happening i thought it was the best thing ever... and didnt want to end... but after it was all over... and i went home completly feeling abused it was like a bad hangover blabla... i didnt watch or think about men for over an year yes at some momments i got a hard on thinking about it and for a second wanting it again but i supressed it.... but slowly it started coming back harder i kid you not... like even yesterday i saw a girl in a miniskirt and heels i was like wow shes hot... and after few minutes i was on my phone looking at naked men touching myself.... after i orgsamed i tell myself i dont need that i love my girl and have amazing sex and everything... but i told myself that a week before and a week before and a week before...
     
    #1 bojan, May 19, 2020
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  2. Kwekie

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    well, to put things in a sort of simple way: men are really visual creatures and women are all aesthetically pleasing, men are not. Many men are ugly and all over the place in terms of their looks. If you combine this with existing shame about your preferences-- basically, you havent accepted and integrated the parts of men that you like-- it seems to wash away when you cum. Objectively, whatever guy you wanted to fuck in a fantasy or reality, isnt 'hot' like a female. Thats the disconnect.

    You are into men but you havent looked into the details as to why you like them, emotionally or physically. you keep going back to this like its an addiction or a problem. its not, its just a facet of your emotional/physical interests. if you want to understand it you have to accept that its not extraneous from you, not something you can get rid of or promise to control.

    the more you understand why it is you are drawn to men the more you will find your attractions to men feel natural and dont disappear when you cum. regardless, you could obviously just be someone with an interest in a particular type of men. i know i am lol.

    edit: also as a point of...warning or concern: things you try to suppress tend to bubble to the surface in more extreme ways. not judging you having a gang bang at all, but, it makes me think of all those repressed republicans or Christians that end up in really debauched shit. you can express your urges in an emotionally healthy manner or they will just keep coming out like that.
     
    #2 Kwekie, May 21, 2020
    Last edited: May 21, 2020
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  3. Pedro123

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    A friend of mine told me everytime he masturbated to women he felt like sex was disgusting and felt a bit depressive. He's straight. I've never felt like that when I masturbated to women but still never felt trully 100% satisfied.
    All this sucks a lot for me too, that's exactly how I feel when I cum but I guess that's just something that proves that we actually enjoy it and that's what's most natural for us. What sucks the most for us isn't only the natural depression, but the shame that comes with knowig you're gay too. That certainly sucks, and the process of enjoying women at first than wanting to be in her place happened for me too.
    But honestly I don't know what you should do. I still find women extremely beautiful and want to be with them only, the same as you. I still only get crushes at girls but Idk if there's a way to get away from this, I get erections next to girls when things are going right at conversations and feel extremely drawn to them but maybe idk that's just the way it's supposed to be and I'm either gay or bissexual. If I have sex with a woman and enjoy it I'll probably never be with a guy and just keep this at fantasy and i'd advise you to do the same. However if you see your pleasure in having sex with her or start having to think of men to get off I'd say there's really nothing else to do besides just end the relationship because one time or another you're gonna feel trapped and extremely alone in your marriage.
     
  4. bojan

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    You are completely right about visualy women are naturally more beatiful, but as i think about it i find male pornstars really sexually attractive cause some of them look near perfect, i love big muscles and dominant nature in men also their penis is the most sexy thing ever... the mear thought of me holding a throbbing penis or his penis rubbing against my penis and balls or penetrating it drives me crazy... like tip of my penis becomes really sensetive i mean really.. it feels really good... but yet i only think like that when horny... actually there was 1 guy in my work that was really sexy and whenever he took his clothes off i got the same feeling in my penis... i still think i am not really attracted to men... it is just some kind of fetish... i love my gf and we have amazing sex... but the urges to watch and fantasize about men is like a drug it seduces me... i actually would not have a problem if i was always feeling like this towards men... i would be okay i like in men that and that and its okay... but that is not the case i hope you understand me
     
  5. bojan

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    well i love my gf really much and i want to marry her, sex is amazing... but these gay urges trigger so randomly and get really strong... like few weeks ago i was walking home and a really i mean really sexy woman got infront of me and while i was looking at her i got horny and bam! i got an urge for gay fantasies while i was walking home.. i have a 45 minute walk home.. and the whole walk i thought and fantasized about men, gay sex etc i mean i was so wet down there by the time i got home.. my penis was drooling with precum ... i was reeeeeally! horny when i got home... i started to think to myself... hm.. if a guy was really really hot and everything, maybe it would be okay to cheat 1 time so i made a gay profile and started chating with some guy telling him how i was going to suck him off and how i will take his cock etc...and the moment when he asked me to meet... i quickly realized what i was doing and deleted my profile and actually got turned off i dont want to cheat on my gf i love her.
     
  6. Pedro123

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    I'm exactly the same as you. I'm totally capable of masturbating to lesbian porn or another woman masturbating. But sometimes I end up letting these thoughts inside my head and they're really hot as well. I've, until now, only had crushes on girls and only think of men at times when I can't get there as quick as I want. I tried to use bissexual ###### as a way of accepting myself and experimenting, as people have told me to do so, I mean, to experiment, but honestly it just felt so absurdly weird going through the pictures. I tried getting horny and then looking at the pictures and I'd say it kind of felt a bit better, even though still a bit weird.
    If you don't want to act on those urges in real life, even if you have more pleasure thinking of men, just don't. It's your right to choose what you want for yourself. But the moment you start to feel like men are more right for you than women in every single sense, and you can't even masturbate to women anymore, I'd say that's when you'll need to accept yourself. It's valid to feel different types of attraction to both genders, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I've read several articles on the internet about it and that's extremely common. Same sex fantasies are only stuff that should make you trully question your sexuality when they're the only thing that can either make you orgasm or make you hard.
     
  7. Spartan 117

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    Hello,

    It's been over a while since this thread was posted but I'd just like to note a couple of thoughts.

    1) Nobody can tell you what your sexuality is, it's up to you how you want to describe and define yourself. However, considering your physical attraction to both men and women, it might be worth considering the fact that you might not be 100% straight. That doesn't mean you're "100% gay" either, you might be somewhere in between. Not everyone is attracted to different genders equally, or in the same way. While you said that you're sure that it's not "denial" and that you're not at all attracted to men outside of sex - this is often how people describe their sexuality when they're first coming to terms with it. If you grow up in a culture of same-sex attraction being wrong and/or shameful, it's no wonder that the thought of it makes you feel uncomfortable. In truth, same-sex attraction is perfectly natural and normal, despite what some people might tell you. It's scientifically proven to be a natural behaviour. I think repressing that side of yourself, blaming yourself, and not coming to terms with it, means that that your sexuality is negatively affecting you, and your relationship, in extreme and unsettling ways.

    2) Which brings me to my second point. The experiences you described sound a little like BDSM or fetish encounters. There are a lot of people who are turned on by the idea of being dominant and submissive, but I think you'll find that even they will admit that such "scenes" or sexual encounters are very intense experiences. It takes a lot of trust (and consent, of course) to take part in something like that. I would say that while it seems linked, this fetish/fantasy is separate to your sexuality as a whole. While some people have fun in the fetish scene, some of the activities can be very intense and ideally you would want to be comfortable with both yourself and your sexuality before taking part in them. Considering you're already carrying a lot of guilt around already for being sexually attracted to men, be aware that it might affect your mental health negatively if you engage in scenes where you are degraded and feel used. Between some consenting, happy and well-adjusted adults, I'm sure it can be exciting but always just be aware this isn't typical of what all men are like. Please keep safe - both physically and mentally, if you chose to go down that route in future.

    As a staff member, I should also remind everyone to try and keep this (and any other) thread PG rated, as much as possible, because we do have younger members on this forum. It's okay to describe your experiences in general terms, but I don't think we need to know every physical detail!

    I hope this helps. :slight_smile: