Gay and married

Then sit her down and tell her. You can't live like this nor should she if you love her. It going to be tough to say outloud, but you will heal and feel free. The longer you wait the more feelings and anger builds on both ends. Hugs to you....

 

if you are gay and and do not want the relationship anymore you have two choices... avoid and sabatoge so she eventually has gotten enough and leaves you/the marriage or tell her what the issue is, it cant be fixed and that you need to separate/divorce. either way it sounds like it is going to end. why put t on her to have to break it off when you are the one that has the confession to make. you have owned up to your gayness. you want to live a gay life, then it is for you to tell her this and take the lead.

 

I told to my wife that I am slightly gay. I expected she will hate me and one day she take decision to divorce with me. But until now she didn't do it. Perhaps kids consideration and she now depends on me.
One step I have done that she knows me that I am a gay.

 

YOLO.. One Life Live It.... for her, too. I thought I was leaving last year after revealing myself.. Instead, things have picked up for us so we remain together.. I'm not saying you want that, but I let it out, and things are better now. We don't talk about that part of me, but it's out of the bottle...

 

@Out and In, you said it really well, and I feel your angst. You seem to have the clarity of what you should do, but you can't quite muster whatever it takes to tell your wife. It looks to me like this is going to go one of two possible ways: 1) you'll continue on the current path, suppressing your authenticity fueling your angst, generating so much anger between you and your wife that at some point everything between you will be destroyed and walking away will be the only option. OR, 2) You summon your courage and tell the truth soon and see what your options are.

I can't read the future, and I may be wrong, but this is my take.
From my limited experience, and from what other people say, it would be really difficult to come clean now, but totally worth it. Good luck and best wishes!
=Sevn

 

Not fair to her. Be honest and let her make a decision based on truth, not sabotage.
I've been reading what straight spouses post on the internet, and it is clear that the straight wife/husband really gets wounded by the lack of trust and truth. My own opinion (and my situation is tough right now but safe), it is better to be authentic (for yourself), and truthful (for her).*

*If you are afraid your wife will kill you or beat or abuse you, that's different.

 

Wow. Well-said, @DecentOne. And that is brilliant to get some insight into how the straight people on the other side of this equation are affected.

 

@Out and In - in your welcome post you told us that your wife knows about your sexual past; she is already aware that you have had sex with men. She also knows that you have been finding solace in gay porn while your sex life with her has waned, so you really wouldn't be dropping a huge bombshell by admitting to her that you are gay. She's asked you directly if you are, so she has strong suspicions anyway.

I think there is a need for honesty on your part, but also on her part. You say she can live with the idea of you being bisexual, but she reacted very badly when she discovered you had been watching gay porn. It's almost as though she believes you switched off any prior attraction to men when you married her and that's clearly not the case. How could it be? So as much as you need to tell the truth, she needs to wake up to reality.

 

Patrick

I, generally, find your insights to be spot on. In this case I have to disagree.

As gay or bisexual men it takes us sometimes decades to realize that we do not have the "sexuality switch". I used to assume I could just switch the lever to straight and that was that. We all learn, eventually, that isn't the case. I was married over thirty years before I really really learned what my sexuality meant.

I think it is a stretch to assume that a wife can understand that there is not a switch. That it is something that is integral to us. It is very hard to explain this to a straight person. Especially being bisexual. "So you can "choose" to like men or women?" Choice...that's a laugh. The poster's wife may simply believe that he has made a choice to be straight...issue resolved. That's not her fault even in the least.

I do agree that the poster needs to come out to his wife. I know that I was angry with my wife and she was confused. And, I wanted to stay married. OutandIn...Please do not make this about your wife and get her to make the decision to leave. This is strong wording. But, show her the respect she deserves and do not string her along. It really is unfair and I wonder what the upside is for you?

 

You are incorrect in that we can’t choose. I’m bisexual and married and in the closet. I’m definitely bi and I can’t do anything about that. What I can choose is what I do about it. I’ve decided to remain faithful to my wife, and I’m satisfied with the decision. I think I use this site to keep in touch with my gay side I guess

 

Biguy45

Of course we can chose not to act on our sexuality. Just as any straight guy doesn't jump every woman he sees. I was 57 before I was with a man. That was by choice. I chose my wife and my wife and I decided that our marriage was strong enough to allow me to do this. What I didn't chose is my sexuality. I did not chose the desire to be with a man. I can't throw the switch any longer (I never could) and say..."OK done with that desire". Those that try that end up suppressing their sexuality and it is not a good thing.

FWIW, my wife and I are closer than we ever were since my coming out to her. I'm not afraid of letting her into my heart...all of it. I am not afraid of the vulnerability. The first time we made love after my disclosure it felt like I was twenty again. I could just let myself go with her...no holding back...no fear.

I think it is a big mistake to assume that engaging one's entire sexuality has to involve engaging one's d**k to feel what is there. I was out to my wife for over 6 months before we agreed it would be good to do some experimenting and well over a year and a half before I experienced intercourse. But, I let myself be "gay" by developing gay friendships, attend gay events...etc. Most importantly, when I saw a man I was attracted to, I welcomed the feeling. I allowed the joy of experiencing the desire for a man to permeate my being. It's beautiful.

 

That’s sounds wonderful and maybe I’ll get to that point sometime, but not yet. I’ve only accepted itvfur about a year. I’m starting to alter some of my thinking but I don’t expect wholesale changes. Who knows, I may never come out. Right now I just don’t know. I’m happy for those that do and find peace.

 

I am inspired by your honesty and example of your relationship. The truth for me is that I’m definitely bisexual. I have sexual feelings for other women, I enjoy sex with my wife and I have many reasons to try to continue to make things work with her in some way....including two young kids (8 and 10).

I acknowledge now that I repressed the gay part of me for years. It now exists and has for a year plus. It is easier for me right now to masturbate thinking of guys than girls. That hasn’t changed in a year plus....I just feel less anxious about it.

My wife is cool with our sex life. We have discussed being open about outside relationships. I haven’t been ready to pursue but have taken baby steps. Met a guy at a bar through an app. Told my wife.

I’m not sure where things will end up, but I don’t think willfully ignoring this part of me is possible any longer and would do worse harm to our relationship if unexplored or unappreciated.

 

Thanks for posting Out and In. Your quote below really sums up my feelings for a long time now:

 

O&I understand completely. For years pretended at straight but once the dam broke, all I could think of was men. The few months I was still with my then GF, every moment I was fantasizing about in the arms of a man. Each intimate act with her was torture until I just could not do it anymore. I didn’t want to and at the very end couldn’t physically be intimate. Never once looked back with regret. That made the decision even easier to embrace the gay man I guess I always was.