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further thouhts

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by emerry, Jan 1, 2018.

  1. emerry

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    Okay. Excuse my further spam.

    It's now clear to me that my problem is that one one hand I'd like to transition, and on the other hand not. However, I'd do the social thing only. So bascially in this moment this would mean just the name change. I wasn't lucky enough to have a gender neutral nickname.

    I don't know how to solve this problem. Having just a couple of friends I meet rarely know is too little, but going all the way in front of people who don't understand that transgenderism is not being delusional - this is too much.

    On one hand, I'm like... yes, let's do it! On the other hand, I'm think... hmmm... does being a masculine person make me a man? Not really. Lemme tell you something. As a child, I strongly identified as a girl. For whatever reason. I identified with feminism... I associate myself with being a girl. Geez, it's so... tangled.

    Moreover, I'm tired with trying to present as a certain gender. I'm just tired. I am who I am, it doesn't change with the "mask" I put on. Both are fake. I don't care whether something is for men or women... I just don't care.

    I don't know. Maybe something has changed, as I managed to deal with the "shell problem"/wrong assumptions by coming out. I adjusted somehow, I'm more myself. However, maybe it's time to let the trans identification go? Maybe it's no longer a part of me. And maybe if I'm dysphoria free and free to be whoever I want to be, according to just my imagination, maybe I'm not "a guy"? I mean I am a guy, with my heart and soul. No matter what. Those other guys seem so primitive. We have the same feelings, but we have a different degree of distance to them. They get all wrapped up in e.g. "Am I strong enough?" and I'm like... yes, I'm strong and whatever, I don't need to prove it over and over. And they do. So if this is what being "a guy" means, then I'm not "a guy".

    I'm just... worried about making a statement if I change my name. What if I go to college after the holidays and say... call me [name]. I feel like a dude, I'd rather be called this. Of course, people are not going to respect that 100%. Geez, I don't have a friend in my group. My two best friends in the college turned out to be transphobes. Luck? Am I a transphobe too? But if people respected my name change, would I be happy? A part of me would be happy, but I would have that constant nagging feeling of betrayal. And to be honest that would be confusing and awkward to me too. I'm not happy with having such a feminine name, but it is my name. I'm attatched. I'm not enjoying "being a guy" either. I am myself. Simply. Having so much control over what I'm telling the world is confusing to me.

    Like, I'm not concerned with other things atm. But I don't want to come out as trans now... I am myself, I feel like myself, and I'm sick and tired of talking about being transgender. I'm sick and tired of explaining. I don't want to, I don't need to. I think I'd rather leave the name and just dress the part... kind of, because I'm just tired of that too. I think I'm just tired of getting read as a "girl" all the time. But on the other hand, there comes the whole new layer of guilt and... confusion. I'm having a big time confusion when it comes to the name. I don't have trouble with other things, it's just the name that feels so personal and that I have so conflicted feelings about.

    Rant over.
     
  2. Crisalide

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    I heard about a transwoman who didn't change her name (Kevin) saying "that's the name my parents gave me, I'll keep it".
    Maybe your friends are just ignorant and won't be transphobes when they'll get more informed?
    I'm tired of thinking about gender too. I had a week of non obsessing about it after a year or so of head-racking, and it's been relieving.

    As usual, I can't grasp the rest of your post, sorry ^.^"""
     
  3. emerry

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    I don't get myself either. If I got myself, I wouldn't be posting, lol. I admit this is a mess. And links are lacking. Or is something else unclear? Is it that you do not understand the internal backlash and confused feelings I'm having?

    You think my friends wouldn't be transphobes if they understood better? I'm tired of explaining, so tired. Maybe I won't give them an explanation then xP I don't want to. Lol.

    It's good to hear that there are some transgender people who are keeping their names. Why I'm thinking about it at all is being tired getting read as a (girly) girl. I think I would be happier if I had a unisex name to begin with. I stack to my name so hard... I'm getting the feminist feelings as well...

    I still obsess somewhat, but I just have enough of talking about this. It's always at the back of my head, so to speak.
     
  4. Sebby45

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    I know this might be a dumb question, but is there some sort of gender neutral name that you could use as a nickname? It doesn't have to be related to your birth name if that is something you don't mind. But I get the sense that you are attached to your birth name and want to have a variation of that. As for leaving labels behind, I see nothing wrong with that. Be yourself. No explanation needed. As for the transphobes they most likely will never get it, so don't bother trying to explain.

    You identified strongly as a girl in your childhood, which I think is normal. Most children don't question gender. Now you identify as a guy and that is great. I wouldn't get hung up on the "I'm so strong" type comments. Not all guys are like that. So it doesn't make you invalid in any way. It seems you are thinking carefully about socially transitioning, which is good. That is a big step you can't really reverse. Be sure that is what you really want. Shedding labels and being yourself might be all you need. As Crisalide said, some people keep their names. Doesn't make you any less you.
     
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  5. emerry

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    Gender neutral name - not really, I had the luck to have a fairly original name and this is why I had no nickname.

    I wonder... maybe my situation isn't too different from other trans people's, especially those who don't pass or don't choose to take hormones. And I'm just... overworried. Maybe the name wouldn't make a difference in anyone's eyes, in reality (source: I watched some videos...)
     
    #5 emerry, Jan 4, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
  6. emerry

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    I don't want to post a new thread...


    hey . I really want to write something. I have no idea what to write. I have no idea, but I want to write something... I stopped thinking about gender. Consciously at least. I had some internal conflicts not so long ago, but it somehow went away, I concluded that I have the full right to crossdress and express my "trans thoughts" - I call that thoughts that I am male. That's a pointless fight. Fight what, even? I'm getting braver in masculinity, ha ha. I wore a camo tshirt :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Half of my wardrobe is from the men's section, lol. Oddly, I got braver to wear dresses as well. I had a strange convo with my mom, as if i was trans the other way, I asked her how to wear dresses, tights and so on... I don't like to wear very frilly skirts, just very simple ones. And I don't care. I had this sort of thought that I can't be a trans guy if I don't fulfil xyz criteria. Like if I wear dresses and pumps, or if I don't take hormones or change my name. Although... I'm still on the fence about it, but less afraid now. I want to use my chosen name as gaming id, probably. Nobody cares in CS anyway... people have random nicknames. Really. Anyway, I thought I can't think or say I'm trans/ a guy if I don't do x y z... that's not true.

    I cleaned up my sexual orientation problems as well... I don't really like the idea of online dating or going to clubs. Ugh. I'd rather meet some people casually. Which solves my problems with "do I prefer men or women", because I'll fall in love with whoever I'll fall in love with.

    I'm curious btw if gossips about my gender thingies are spreading? I told a couple of people in the college that I don't feel female, but didn't go into na detail.

    Life is really... beautiful... on the other side. I love all this stuff, i love play fighting, games, and men's fashion and everything like this. It might sound stupid, but I love it. Man, this is what I wanted all this time. Nothing less. I figure some peope don't have a gender in their head so much... but I do. I love being one of the guys. I can't imagine being happy with anything else. Also... when I "was a girl", I had the opinion of being a bit screwed for being violent. For guys, my level of violence is normal. It's kind of normal that an otherwise normal man is like... I think this is where the constant swearing comes from. It's a lot like in this picture joke in which girls are friends and they spew rainbow at each other, and guys are friends and insult each other the worst ways.

    I can't help but think... maybe this is a phase? But I don't know that. And I don't think it's worth thinking about. It's a waste of time. It's better to live and just be yourself, not think what you are and which category you fit into. It's just those dumb dresses. Otherwise, I'm just a guy, a very normal one, in every way.
     
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