Okay. Excuse my further spam. It's now clear to me that my problem is that one one hand I'd like to transition, and on the other hand not. However, I'd do the social thing only. So bascially in this moment this would mean just the name change. I wasn't lucky enough to have a gender neutral nickname. I don't know how to solve this problem. Having just a couple of friends I meet rarely know is too little, but going all the way in front of people who don't understand that transgenderism is not being delusional - this is too much. On one hand, I'm like... yes, let's do it! On the other hand, I'm think... hmmm... does being a masculine person make me a man? Not really. Lemme tell you something. As a child, I strongly identified as a girl. For whatever reason. I identified with feminism... I associate myself with being a girl. Geez, it's so... tangled. Moreover, I'm tired with trying to present as a certain gender. I'm just tired. I am who I am, it doesn't change with the "mask" I put on. Both are fake. I don't care whether something is for men or women... I just don't care. I don't know. Maybe something has changed, as I managed to deal with the "shell problem"/wrong assumptions by coming out. I adjusted somehow, I'm more myself. However, maybe it's time to let the trans identification go? Maybe it's no longer a part of me. And maybe if I'm dysphoria free and free to be whoever I want to be, according to just my imagination, maybe I'm not "a guy"? I mean I am a guy, with my heart and soul. No matter what. Those other guys seem so primitive. We have the same feelings, but we have a different degree of distance to them. They get all wrapped up in e.g. "Am I strong enough?" and I'm like... yes, I'm strong and whatever, I don't need to prove it over and over. And they do. So if this is what being "a guy" means, then I'm not "a guy". I'm just... worried about making a statement if I change my name. What if I go to college after the holidays and say... call me [name]. I feel like a dude, I'd rather be called this. Of course, people are not going to respect that 100%. Geez, I don't have a friend in my group. My two best friends in the college turned out to be transphobes. Luck? Am I a transphobe too? But if people respected my name change, would I be happy? A part of me would be happy, but I would have that constant nagging feeling of betrayal. And to be honest that would be confusing and awkward to me too. I'm not happy with having such a feminine name, but it is my name. I'm attatched. I'm not enjoying "being a guy" either. I am myself. Simply. Having so much control over what I'm telling the world is confusing to me. Like, I'm not concerned with other things atm. But I don't want to come out as trans now... I am myself, I feel like myself, and I'm sick and tired of talking about being transgender. I'm sick and tired of explaining. I don't want to, I don't need to. I think I'd rather leave the name and just dress the part... kind of, because I'm just tired of that too. I think I'm just tired of getting read as a "girl" all the time. But on the other hand, there comes the whole new layer of guilt and... confusion. I'm having a big time confusion when it comes to the name. I don't have trouble with other things, it's just the name that feels so personal and that I have so conflicted feelings about. Rant over.