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Further dispatches from therapy

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by staticinmyattic, Apr 14, 2022.

  1. staticinmyattic

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    I've just come back from a psychiatrist appointment that left me feeling a little shell shocked. Okay a lot shell shocked. It's my last appointment with her, she's retiring. We never really connected. She was more like a drug dealer for anti-depressants. I'd log on to the virtual meet, tell her as much of the truth as I needed to get appropriate and helpful medication, we'd both leave satisfied. Never told her about my gender.

    This last appointment was also my first in-person appointment. I really didn't want to go. Taking a day off work is never great (though I'm glad I'm home now, with the day to myself, able to talk to you lovelies). But at the end, I decided, what the hell. "I've been struggling with my gender for the past year. I've felt gender insecurity and dysphoria my whole life, but last year the denial dam burst and it's not going back up."

    Her response was to tell me that from our first meeting she'd been ready for me to be ready to tell her that. Based on mannerisms and what I'd told her about myself and my life, she expected this conversation. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. Just that I feel a LOT. Part of it is thrilling, validating. Almost like taking a blood test and being told "Congratulations! You're a girl!" (wouldn't that be awesome?). Couple in the fact that every LGBTQIA+ friend I've ever had has at some point pulled me aside and asked which letter I belong to, and it's getting pretty obvious that my issues of gender exist and are visible in spaces other than my own head. This is both thrilling and alarming.

    It's thrilling because it makes it a bit more real. I've always convinced myself that my feelings of dysphoria are caused by me being a.) a pervert, b.) an idiot, c.) a generally bad, villainous man, d.) so on and so forth. What killed my trans denial was the realization that being trans is a far more rational explanation for my feelings than any of the above explanations.

    It's alarming because it feels like a massive chunk of my armor has been hewn off. I've literally been wearing suits to work every day despite it being totally unnecessary. They serve as actual armor, the thinking being "Would a trans woman wear...THIS?". Narrator: Yes. Yes she would. She'd rock it too.

    So here I am sitting here feeling more like a middle-aged transgender woman than ever. Nothing's changed, just a conversation happened. I suppose that's good for now. The best part is I have ANOTHER appointment this afternoon with my therapist (not psychiatrist...my therapist talks to me about my feelings just to help manage and address them, my psychiatrist talks to me about my feelings to formulate the appropriate pharmaceutical response). Despite her being off to a rocky start as far as reliability, I'm going to give her a chance because I really like her and feel very comfortable talking to her about my gender. I haven't been able to find that in anyone else, so we'll see how this goes.
     
    #1 staticinmyattic, Apr 14, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2022
    chicodeoro, Rayland and TinyWerewolf like this.
  2. bsg75apollo

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    It is such a relief when you finally speak out loud those words which have never lips before. It is a rush when feel comfortable enough to start saying them to other people.
     
  3. quebec

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    staticinmyattic.....At the beginning of your post I was going to say I'm sorry that your day wasn't a very good one. But as I kept reading it got so much better and I'm very happy for you! :old_smile: By the way...You are not a middle-aged trans-woman! Trans-woman, yes...middle-aged at 38? I think not! :old_big_grin: I'm so happy for you that you get along so well with your therapist! I get along with mine also. It has helped so much that he has gone through so many of the same things that I have. I know many LGBTQIA+ Folks say you don't have to have a gay therapist to work with a gay client, but in my case he understands how hard it was to come out because he had to do it too, and many other things as well. I hope things continue to go well with your therapist!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  4. staticinmyattic

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    Well thanks for making me feel young! The ticking clock is a bit louder these days. I heard a good quote, that the best time to start transitioning is also the best time to plant a tree: 20 years ago. I have enough time to really do something with it, but not enough that I can keep taking it for granted.
     
  5. quebec

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    staticinmyattic.....I have heard that quote about the tree before, but I heard it different and it really does fit here: "The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago and right now!" :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  6. chicodeoro

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    Static, I had a great big smile on my face as I read this, a smile of recognition and of happiness - for you.

    Well done for breaking through that pain barrier, from a trans woman, who, at 52, really is middle aged!

    Hugs, Beth
     
  7. staticinmyattic

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    "Rush" is right. Thrilling and scary, but it never feels wrong. I always feel a bit of regret after,
    That’s the quote! I missed the right now part. Thanks for sharing that, I skipped out on the most important part!