(FRUSTRATED) To the Young and Good-Looking, Gay white men...

I don't disagree with this. Shame researcher Brené Brown says we cannot talk about privilege without talking about shame.

Yes. And this goes directly to worthiness. Someone who has done their work and is pretty wholehearted is going to realize that they deserve the job they have because they are worthy... they're qualified and capable. Someone who fundamentally doesn't believe in their own worth is going to front that they deserve the job... but won't really believe it.

So I see your point totally. People need to feel their own worthiness and understand their shame in order to see that discussing privilege isn't shameful; it's acknowledging that one is worthy and capable, and that one, in spite of being worthy and capable also had a leg up because of the privilege s/he holds.

And likewise, I think those who get mad about affirmative action (someone getting a job they didn't which they perceive is because of skin color or whatever "ism") don't honestly believe they're worthy... again, they're fronting.

This I don't agree with. I can acknowledge the inherent privilege I have because of the color of my skin or my sex or whatever, and not feel like I'm in any way being dragged down. This isn't to say I don't still have biases that I'm not consciously aware of (or am, but am still struggling with). But it implies that I'm thinking about it and working on it, and that I want everyone to have a level playing field.

I agree that the dominant class is in the strongest position to affect change, and a large part of that change has to be education and understanding, as well as supporting the subordinated classes when they are seeking change.

The world would be a much better place if Tumblr (and the ridiculous viewpoints that go along with it) would simply go away.

That's actually untrue according to all the research. It's actually the opposite. We have a certain amount of hardwiring to be afraid of things that are different. From an evolution perspective, this helped us survive. So these differences can be clothing, skin color, disability, language, and so forth. The research clearly shows that the most racist people are the ones that have the least complex schemas about people different than they are. We also know that the more we immerse people in cultures and environments different than their own, so they have the chance to talk with, understand, share with people very different than they are... they understand how many fundamental similarities there are, and they also lose most of their incorrect preconceived notions, which is what fuels racism in the first place.

It's important to teach that people are just people, but it's also important to teach that people are different, have different cultures, beliefs, clothing styles, language, and that there's no one "right" way to be or think with any of these things. And inherent in that is the historical judgment that's stood in the way of broad acceptance of one another's differences. If people don't understand how this has historically caused rifts, they will repeat the same mistakes.

Now... applying this back to the original topic... for those who don't find attraction to people different than they are (white people preferring other white people, or black people preferring black people or whatever), it's easy to say "Well I'm just attracted to who I'm attracted to". But that isn't actually true. Again, we're hardwired to feel most comfortable with familiarity. So if we are white and grow up around, say, white people, most of us will be most inclined to feel safe around other white people. And a lot of this isn't even conscious... so it comes across as attraction, when in fact, it's a combination of attraction and unconscious desire for familiarity.

If we actively immerse ourselves in situations where we meet, work with, spend time with people different than we are (whether culture, skin color, sex, sexual orientation, or whatever) then our schemas, which reside mostly in the unconscious, begin to change. We understand that people are fundamentally the same, have similar basic desires and needs. And that erases much of the unconscious fear... which, in turn, opens us up to feeling attraction to a wider group of people than we did initially.

That is... unless we are so shallow that we aren't really interested in who a person is on the inside, and only care about what they look like on the outside. That's a different problem which can also be resolved, but requires some real self-exploration.

 

I'm really glad, OP, to hear that things are looking up for you. It's interesting how sometimes just taking some time away from something can allow us an opportunity to come back to it and see it in a different light... and I think the toxicity of the dating apps, as you put it, is something that's very hard to see until you can get away from them for a while.

Thanks for sharing your story and staying engaged. I'm hopeful that a lot of folks will find the information in this thread useful.

 

As a brown guy navigating a white-majority environment, I can understand frustrations with being attracted to guys who may not view yourself as attractive, and there is no perfect solution. I remember some research that showed gay relationships in the US are the more likely than straight ones to be interracial, but they only reached ~20-25%. Likewise, there was some detailed analysis from an online dating site that showed clear racial biases between different groups.

Dealing with racial bias is unfortunate because the gay dating pool is already small, but that means you just have to keep looking and putting yourself out there. Make connections based on common interests and activities because there are plenty of guys who will value those aspects and at the same time value your own physical beauty.