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Friends Without Benefits?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by OnTheHighway, Aug 10, 2018.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    i have been meeting guys to build a social circle as I settle into new city and move on from my divorce. I have been successful thus far in making some new acquaintances and some are becoming more of what I would consider friends. Of a few that I have been engaging quite a bit with, both boyfriend questions from them have come up as have sex. Given I am not at a point to enter another relationship any time soon, I gently but clearly have closed the door on the relationships moving beyond friends.

    With one of them, we have had sex a few times. It was very intense, connected and intimate. After having done so, he raised the question of progressing further from just friends again. And again, I reiterated my desire just to keep it friends. After some discussion, it was clear he did not want a FWB situation, but he agreed and wanted to continue to build our friendship platonically. In this sitatuation, I am wondering if either he or I could truly keep the friendship plutonic, if the sexual chemistry which clearly exists intereferes, or if he is only agreeing to stay friends with the hope of a future relationship with me (which I would not necessarily rule out if I were indeed ready for one). With those thoughts, can we truly be plutonic friends?

    With the other, he has expressed his desire to want both a relationship and physical intimacy. I love our discussions, our banter and the time we hang out together. However, as mentioned, I am not looking for a deeper relationship nor does sex with him interest me.

    Another friend of mine whom I have known and respected for quite some time suggested to me this neither of these situations would lead to real long lasting plutonic friendships. And I certainly can see why he believes that and the challenges that trying to keep them plutonic create.

    I am curious if others have had experiences in these circumstances, and if so, how they were managed?

    Ideally, I would like to keep both of them as true plutonic friends.
     
  2. I'm gay

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    My only plutonic gay friends are ones I have never had sex with and am not attracted to. I don't know if that's just the way it worked out or if there's a deeper meaning there, but I think it's always going to be a big challenge to be just friends with someone when there's mutual attraction, not to mention a sexual history.
     
  3. OGS

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    I actually have quite a few now-platonic friends that are exes--always worked out great for me. Actually at this point one of my husband's best friends is a guy that I was with for a year and half, lived together and everything. We stayed close friends and so he became my husband's friend and now he's probably at least as close with my husband as he is with me. I always think it's sort of funny that people on this site are always talking about becoming close friends and then dating. I always did it the other way around--frankly the idea of dating one of my close friends just seems sort of weird to me--like dating your brother...
     
    lc asl likes this.
  4. OnTheHighway

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    I the last city I lived in I had develop close plutonic friendships with four guys. But as each of the friendships started, the question of sex always seemed to be considered with each one. Once that “bridge” was crossed, they each remained plutonic. It seems this is always a question that arises when meeting other gay guys even if for a friendship versus a relationship.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    Well, I got my own answer to this. He decided he can’t be friends with me unless I commit to him. And I am simply not prepared to do that, which I do like him, given my recent break up.