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Friends with benefits question

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GatoAzul, Apr 1, 2021.

  1. GatoAzul

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    I've been on a few dates with a guy I really like and we've been getting on great, seeing each other once a week. He helped me to get over a crush on a straight girl so I'm really glad we met. He was reciprocating asking me out and we made out and did hand stuff a couple of times. We agreed to take it slow and casual as I have no experience.

    A couple of weeks ago he started ignoring my messages and only replying after a day or 2, so I asked him if we could talk about it and we met up for a date 2 days ago and I brought the topic up. Since he started ignoring me I really missed seeing and talking to him and it made me realise I want to keep seeing him, but more often and with more messages in between dates. He said he was gutted to hear that I'm looking to get more serious and he explained he got out of a 6 year relationship a year ago and is still hurt and not ready to be in another relationship at the moment. He said I'm the first person he's trusted to open up with since then and he is afraid to get serious because he doesn't want to get hurt again. He said he is only looking for a fling, but he added that he doesn't know where it might lead as he doesn't know me well enough yet. He said he'd like to stay FWB but to stop the dates and not to do anything romantic like sleeping over or holding hands because he doesn't want me to fall for him.

    I told him I'm not sure how I feel about that, because I feel really sad whenever I think this could have been a relationship if he wasn't putting these restrictions on how well we can get to know each other. The sex is also great and I don't want that to stop, but at the same time I'm afraid I'm only going ahead with this in the hope he'll change his mind about getting serious.

    Since then he called me in the morning to check I was going to work OK, as we stayed up late talking about it. So he was still thinking about me in the morning. Then he texted me saying he was hard for me the next day. I replied to him but have stopped initiating contact.

    I'm really nervous about carrying on with this and getting my feelings hurt, but at the same time I'm enjoying it and don't want it to stop. It's just whenever I think this may never be a relationship I feel like crying. I've never had a relationship or sex before so I'm really confused about my feelings. All I know is that I am going to miss the dates and wish things could progress without restrictions.
     
  2. GatoAzul

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    Also he said he wants to come over in a couple of days to try oral for the first time. I said yes but I'm unsure if I should have made up my mind by then or not. I don't know what to do
     
  3. HM03

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    Kudos to you for being honest and upfront about for what you are seeking out the relationship.

    You both have said what you wanted. Personally, things "I'm the first person he's trusted to open up with" and texting to make sure you got to work safe seem like blurred lines - like a psuedo relationship without the label. Like you said, you have to be okay with boundary he is has set up, hoping for things to progress past the boundary he set (whether he follows that himself or not) is potentially setting yourself up for heartbreak.
     
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  4. QuietPeace

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    He has been very plain about what he wants, meaningless sex and no relationship.

    Never get with or stay with someone hoping that they will suddenly change to become someone you want them to be.

    It is of course entirely up to you but I would not stay in such a situation. I am not willing to have sex at all with someone unless we are already in a close relationship though.
     
  5. mlansing

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    Sadly, I have to agree with the above replies. If you were the right person for him, it wouldn’t matter that he just got out of a long relationship, and it wouldn’t matter that he’s afraid of getting hurt again. All too often people say those things as excuses for just not being that into someone :frowning2:

    If you enjoy having sex with him, then I don’t see anything wrong with keeping that going, but if you’re catching feelings and hoping he will change his mind, then you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Thanks for sharing your situation with us, and good luck sorting it out.
     
  6. GatoAzul

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    Thanks for the replies, I decided to send him a message asking to talk about it again, with the idea of telling him it's off if he doesn't want to explore the idea of a relationship.

    He replied saying he can't see the difference between labeling our relationship or not. He said the only difference is that we're not exclusive, but he said he will tell me of he wants to see anyone else and would break up and vice versa. Were basically in the early fases of building a mature relationship like normal people but I'm putting too much unnecesary pressure on things too early on and rushing us to build more intense bonds unnaturally.. He thinks we just need to go with the flow that were both comfortable with and stop over thinking things. Atm I've made him want to be sexually active for the first time since his ex. He doesn't think what we're doing is any different from starting a relationship anyway. He added that if I am going to call it off he wants to have sex one last time...

    I have never had sex or been in a relationship before, so I don't know if what he's saying is true or if he's sending mixed messages just to get the sex he wants and he still has no intention of a relationship. He said this is normal but surely in a normal relationship you don't stop going on dates or doing anything romantic? I am finding it really hard to say no when. I try and he tries to persuade me to stay
     
  7. QuietPeace

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    It really depends on who you talk to and how they define things. I don't have sex outside of a relationship and it has to be fully established before I will.

    I also personally think that he is stringing you along just to get sex with no intention at all of ever considering a relationship. This may just be due to things that I have been through though.
     
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  8. HM03

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    The underlined sounds like a red flag, and I completely agree with the bolded.

    It sounds like he's twisting your words. You're not saying "if we don't become official right now, we're done", you just want to make sure you both have the same end goal! If he's not mature enough to respect that you want different things and let you go on your own way, I doubt he would be mature enough for a relationship, if or when he is ever ready.
     
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  9. mlansing

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    So when he said that if you want out he’d want to have sex one last time, he basically exposed his hand. This guy just wants sex. If that’s not what you want, I’d say it’s time to get out.

    If he really does want more than sex, your walking away will expose that. If he likes you, he will come back (and not just for sex, but to actually date). If not, he will proceed to find other people to have sex with, and you just dodged a bullet.

    Bottom line, if you withhold sex from him, his true intentions will be revealed.
     
  10. GatoAzul

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    Thanks for telling me what I didn't want to hear, I needed the honesty. We carried on our conversation by messages as he refused to talk about it in person as he was fed up with talking about it over and over. He said that he is only mentally ready for a casual relationship and gave me a week to agree with his conditions or to end it. He wasn't open to discussing my feelings or accepting he'd hurt me.

    I've come to realise that there is a difference between a casual relationship and taking things slowly. He's interested in the former, whereas I'm interested in the latter. So I'm going to tell him we can only be friends as we are both looking for different things and I can't deal with a casual relationship. I will tell him though that I'm open to dating him in the future if he ever becomes emotionally available for actual dating.

    I'm still sad about it because he's the first person I've ever done anything with, I'd never even kissed before. But I think I'm saving myself from heartbreak in the end.
     
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  11. mlansing

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    To be frank, he sounds like a d*ck. I am sorry you caught feelings and had your first experiences with him. You can do so much better :hugging:
     
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  12. QuietPeace

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    I have found that there are a whole lot of people (not just men) like that out there. I decided that I would rather be alone than to allow myself to just be used. There are decent people out there though and they are worth the wait.
     
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  13. resu

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    Your profile says female and lesbian, so I am confused why you're dating a [straight] male?
     
  14. resu

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    I will say generally "friends with benefits" are hard to maintain because one person or the other develops stronger feelings. This guy mentioned at the beginning he was just out of a long-term relationship and not ready for another one, and his later actions suggest the same. Going on dates is something more likely found in a romantic relationship than just friendship.
     
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