Friends... All they care about is themselves

So... this quarter totally sucks so far. My best friend left me high and dry... he never even gave me a reason. Guess I'm not cool enough for him. Fuck him. My other friends haven't bothered to call me, to see if I want to hang out, and when I call them I just get their answering machine, and never a call back. I've basically been in solitary confinement the past two weeks, and not by choice... And tonight at work my co-workers mentioned they are watching pirates of the carribean and getting wasted on some liquor. I said I wanted to come, but I got a huge impression they don't want me there. Nobody wants me anymore, and I don't want anyone else anymore. I think I'm just going to go back to playing games online... things were so much better when my friends were digital. I used to think I enjoyed having friends, but now I am starting to see how goddamn fake and two-faced they all are. I have lost so much faith in people. My last two best friends left me, and I hate them for it. I've always been good all my life, always a generous gentleman, and this is the payoff I get? What the fuck is the point of being a good person when you just get walked on all the time. Guys, I'm really depressed right now, I need some support....

 

That's why I keep my mouth shut,I'm sure that half of my friends would abandon me at the moment,and that really isn't what I need right now...

 

The point of being a good person is that so you can make other peole happy and you should never stop.

Now youve lost your best friends, maybe its time for you to make some friends, who would actually care about you.

 

(*hug*) hey!! hang in there. seems like youve just met the wrong people.
its hard when youre feeling all alone, but closing yourself down is only going to hurt you in the long run.
you dont just be a good person for the rewards - you do it because thats the kind of person you want to be.
those idiots will realise that theyve lost a good friend in time. dont be afraid to put yourself out there and eventually youll meet some people who really deserve to have you as a friend

 

So, I took your advice and wrote an Email. It's already sent. I figured I'd let you guys read it. I don't need advice or commentary on it, but you can post whatever you want.

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I promised myself I'd give you time to figure things out, and give me a call whenever you're ready. But it's been almost two weeks now, so I'm pretty sure that call will never come, so I may as well say how I feel. I'm ready to swallow my pride.

From the beginning I welcomed Steve, until he pushed me away. And then one day he pushed me real hard, rubbed it in my face, and I let you know about it. He made me feel like shit. I never had a problem with the two of you being friends though, and I never asked you to choose between the two of us. I couldn't do that to you, you seemed to like the both of us so much. From the looks of it though, I was just a pity trip for you. So, I guess Steve won, you can finally have a "best friend" instead of two "good friends".

Or is it just a matter of time before someone comes along and replaces him? Poor Ernie, all he does now is plays video games by himself into the late hours of the night, much as I likely will soon. I know this because I asked both Sam and him, on several occasions. From the looks of it you were "trying" to be friends with him, but that is bullshit, you weren't trying hard enough, because if you were, you two would still be good friends. Do you ever call him from time to time to see how he's doing? No, you don't. He probably swallows his pride and calls you, and since you feel bad for him you try and make plans. You replaced him with a "good friend", namely me, who would match the sacks that you smoke, and who didn't have a conversation dominating girlfriend.

I put so much faith into you, I thought me quitting smoking pot wouldn't affect our relationship. But it has, that much is very obvious to me. I also don't play guitar like Steve does, but what the fuck does it matter. Do you're good friends have to be fucking perfect or something? Does your "good friend" have to be void of any personal baggage? Does he have to ignore his own feelings and just make YOU feel good all the time? I chose to quit smoking pot because I had been doing it for eight years, and I felt that now was the best time for me to quit. I hinted you should quit, but I never forced my opinion on you. I had no problem at all with you smoking pot.

You said in the hotel room that I am one of the only ones you have left. Thanks for the ego trip but it was very short, and just ended up backfiring in my face. Even after that I talked to you on the phone for forty minutes when you were home alone. Perhaps I should have talked to you for an hour, or maybe two. Would that have made you feel better? Would that have boosted your ego to a more acceptable level? I was obviously upset about something the last time I talked to you, on the smoke deck. Did you think ignoring me for two weeks or more would make me feel better?

Friends are supposed to be there for each other. I've always been there for you. I told you how much it bothers me when you don't call me, but apparently you're "too busy" to care. WHY does it bother me when you don't call me? Because it shows you don't give a fuck, and I didn't want to think of you like that. I wanted to feel like you wanted me around, not like I'm the one who ALWAYS needs someone. Ha. Too busy eh? What did you start your job at subway or something? If you did, how would I know anyways, you haven't called me. And why did I oppose you working for subway? Because from my experience, you can get your dream job through effort and patience. I was also in a bad mood. Too busy my ass, that's always been your lame excuse, your lie. You're "too busy" doing whatever the fuck you want to do, and fuck everyone else, even your "good friend" Dan. The vest is a great opportunity for you, but surely you have ten minutes in your "busy" schedule to stop and call your "good friend" to see how he's doing. But that never happened, you probably don't even think of me.

I can't even go to the movies with someone to see "Dark Knight" because it reminds me so much of you. We were supposed to go see that together. I'm guessing you went to see it with Steve. I hope you had a great time, I'm sure you didn't even think about me when you were watching it. Am I just something you forgot about now?

It's obvious I put a lot of trust and faith in you. There's been several times where you've scarred me, and I foolishly forgave you for it. I talked to you about what was bothering me, and you pretended to understand. You assured me things would be different. But look where we are now. You haven't called me in OVER two weeks.

In fact the last time you called me was when we were going to Cedar Point. When you had something to gain. And when your head was throbbing, who showed he cared about you and went to take care of you. Me. I could have sat there and finished my dinner and let you fend for yourself. I even wanted to accompany you back to the hotel room, to make sure you were okay and keep you company, but I owed it to my brother to stick around. Do you think Steve would have done what I did for you? Probably not. Is that what you really want? Do you want to just fend for yourself, to be alone in this cruel world?

So allow me to write on that 420 party. 420 has always been one of my favorite holidays. And this 420 is the last one I would have celebrated. If I had celebrated it, that is. I was so goddamn depressed, that my "friend" who had been smoking weed with me for the past 9 MONTHS decided that he wouldn't ANSWER ANY OF MY PHONE CALLS OR CALL ME, that when 4:20PM came around, I just went home and hated myself. You decided that I was good enough to smoke with you alone, but not cool enough to smoke around your friends. That day hurt so much Mikey, even typing about it now is getting me all teary eyed. When you fed me that "pot cake" it tasted like SHIT. I can't believe you even offered it to me. A slap in the face is all it was.

Listen Mikey, you have to realize what you do really affects those around you. There hasn't been a day that's gone by without me thinking of you, even if for a few minutes, or for a few hours. I tried my best to be the best friend I could be to you, and you act like what I did doesn't even matter. You'll be the second best friend in a row that has left me. You have seriously damaged my ability to trust people.

I've asked you several times if there was something I was doing that was bothering you. Time and time again you said no, and time and time again I believed you, your lie. There must be SOMETHING wrong with me, but I have to hear it from you. All I know is what goes through my head, and it is all speculation, none of it is real unless it is said to me, by you. Are you afraid to say what is bothering you? Fuck fear dude, you have to break past it. I have overcome my fears on several occasions with you. Every time I talk to you about something that is bothering me, there is some sort of fear. Overcoming that fear is something that is very hard to do, but we as humans must overcome, or we are weak.

I even overcame the fear of telling you that I loved you. Back then I felt it, but after you talked with me about it, I subsided that love, and started loving you like a friend, like a brother. I pushed aside all of my physical attractions towards you, because you asked me to. I listen to you Mikey, every word you say, because you are my friend, and I care, that's what friends do.

Something inside of me tells me you were expecting a letter, or perhaps a phone call like this. Something tells me that you DID listen to me when I told you that when my "good friend" doesn't call me in a long time, that I get really depressed, because of things that have happened in my past.

That's enough. There's plenty more to be said, but I'll end it here.

You can show me that you care, and tell me that I am wrong about you. Tell me that you do give a fuck about our friendship, and all the time and effort we put into it. Tell me that everything I have done was for something, and not for nothing, not for being ignored. Tell me that you aren't a fiend, that pot has nothing to do with our friendship. Tell me you will talk to Steve, that you will try your best to sort out our indifference. That even though I have said some things in this message that you may not like, you are still willing to forgive me, as I have forgiven you when you made me feel like shit. Tell me I wasn't foolish for forgiving you. Tell me that you feel like you deserve to be my friend. Tell me things will change, for REAL, and I MEAN FOR REAL, this time, that you are truly sorry. Tell me the truth...

OR

You can delete me from myspace, then I will know how you truly feel. And I can finally start to forget about you, even though that is the last thing that I want to do. And I can remain in the dark as to how I fucked up, as to what's wrong with me, as to why all my friends leave me for a reason that is absent to myself.

It's your choice... choose wisely. I am a great person that has never wronged you, do you care enough to get that back, or are you ready to move on.

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I'll let you know how that one goes.

 

Lex's email would have worked if it was the former, but it wasn't.

 

sigh... count on myspace to tell me something was sent. I checked my sent box just now and it's not in there, which means it wasn't sent...
I feel so much better though, after hitting send... I'll take Lex's advice and send him a different one. So, how the hell am I going to get past this?