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Friend touched me whilst I was 'sleeping'

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by johnt, May 4, 2012.

  1. Aldrick

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    Koll -

    I apologize if you felt attacked. The truth of the matter is, my response wasn't really aimed at you personally. I was responding to what you wrote, because that is what prompted me to respond, but it wasn't meant to be solely directed at you. It's the reason that I began by stating things as a cultural problem, and the reason I kept using the pronoun "we" over and over again - I was speaking about society as a whole.

    That's probably why it seemed more hostile and personal than intended. I was venting my anger and frustration at how male victims of sexual assault are treated by society at large.

    When you wrote that maybe John had been drunkenly flirting with his friend, and this prompted his friend to think what he was doing was okay... well, it kinda struck a nerve. I don't think it was your intention, and I don't think you fully understand the consequences of what you wrote. But in essence you blamed John for what happened, by saying that he must have led his friend on, and therefore what transpired was his fault. I don't think it was your intention to blame John, but by writing what you wrote - that's in essence what you did.

    You see, I have had friends who've been victims of sexual assault and rape. What John described is extremely common. The fact that he didn't know what to say or do; for guys who are being sexually assaulted it is extremely common for them to "freeze" up and go silent. The fact that he rolled over to try and stop it, and it didn't work, was enough to tell me that he really wasn't keen on the idea of what was happening.

    The fact of the matter is, his friend wasn't drunkenly copping a feel. This went on, in John's words, for more than a few minutes and then still continued after he rolled over. His friend may have been drunk, but being drunk is not an excuse for what happened.

    John may have had an erection as a result of the stimulation - I'm supposing his friend was trying to masturbate him - and he may have even ejaculated, but this is not a sign that he enjoyed it. Although many guys who are sexually assaulted who get an erection and ejaculate assume that they must have enjoyed it. After all, they surmise, these things couldn't have happened unless they enjoyed it, right? Wrong. You have virtually no control over your body when it is being sexually stimulated. It is possible to have an erection and ejaculate while being gang raped. You have pretty much zero control over this, and too many men and boys believe that because this happened that they must have enjoyed it. This does not mean you enjoyed it.

    In the end, I wrote what I did because I know that John is not the only person reading this thread; there are other men and boys out there who are reading this thread who are victims of sexual abuse and rape. There are men and boys right now reading this who will be victims of sexual abuse and rape in the future.

    One out of every six boys is sexually abused or raped. Gather a random selection of one hundred men, and sixteen or seventeen of them will have endured sexual abuse or rape during their childhoods. Virtually none of them will have reported it. Some of them will endure sexual abuse and rape during their adulthood and virtually none of them will report it.

    So coming from this perspective, I felt it was necessary to speak up. It wasn't to attack you personally; it was to make clear - absolutely clear - that someone (whether it is John or someone else) who is the victim of sexual assault has no reason to blame themselves. I want them to know that they did nothing absolutely nothing wrong.

    Now, with John specifically, I personally feel that he is overlooking what happened because he is in the closet. He is hoping that his friend is gay or bi and that by telling him he knows what happened, his friend will come out to him and John will finally be able to speak to someone who understands what he is going through. I've made my feelings on this happening pretty clear - his friend will almost certainly deny it, and it is going to cause a huge rift in the friendship.

    In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how John views what happened to him. What happened to him was wrong, period. Maybe John personally doesn't care, or is willing to forgive his friend. In the end, that's irrelevant to whether or not what his friend did was right or wrong.

    I hope this doesn't come off sounding hostile as well. This isn't my intention. I regret not being more clear in my previous response. My concern here isn't just about John, it's about all the guys who are reading this who have been or will become victims of sexual assault.
     
  2. alex1170

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    So I am not proud of this, but I actually was on the other end of a vary similar situation with one of my good friends. I was much younger and me and a buddy were sleeping in the same bed at a hotel. I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that my friend was still asleep. Now I was attracted to him, but I though he was straight (still do). And I had the urge to touch him while he was asleep, but only while he was asleep. I ended up just barely touching him a little, because I was afraid to wake him up. I would not call it fondling, or anything close to that even. I did touch him in his groin area though. The difference is that when he moved even the slightest bit, I stopped immediately. Like I said I am not proud of this at all, but I do not think it that big of a deal. Probably because I do not think my friend ever even found out. I am fairly certain he was asleep the entire time. We are still great friends to this day and my attraction to him has completely dissipated. I soon realized after this situation that friends are just that and nothing more (all of my friends are straight).

    So basically I believe it is safe to say that your friend really values your friendship, but also finds you attractive. He is definitely interested in you sexually, but there is no way of telling if he is gay, bi, or just curious. It is up to you what to do with this information. If you value his friendship and do not want things to be awkward, I might suggest not bringing it up to him. Just avoid sleeping situations where he could do the same thing again. I doubt he would ever do anything to you if he knows you are awake.

    Alternatively, if you decide that you are interested in pursuing some experimenting of you own, perhaps you should bring it up. You know almost for certain that he would be willing to experiment with you, even if he may deny it at first. If you do decide to go this route though, make sure that you are careful how you bring it up to him, because it could backfire if you are too aggressive and he denies it.

    Finally, if you are worried that he knew you are awake, or you are scared of him doing this again or getting more aggressive with things, you should tell him that what he did was not cool. Most likely he will back off. It will most certainly make things a little awkward him in the future though.
     
  3. johnt

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    Firstly, Koll, I hope you didn't feel singled out. i respect your opinion and believe it to be a very sensible one! thank you for your input!

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2012 at 03:51 AM ----------


    This is, I believe, the most sensible response there is, so thank you!

    I understand what everyone saying about about the inappropriate nature of this and how it is assault etc, but really please calm down! I do not feel violated, and i do not feel assaulted. The idea of going to the police is crazy.

    The main reason I thought he should stop was that there was another person sleeping in the room, if there wasn't I would have responded. I am pretty sure of that. When I say i don't want a physical relationship with him, I mean it is probably not a good idea and that I'm not that into him. Not that I wouldn't go there drunkenly!!

    i know he can't be going around touching guys, but come on, I see him quite a lot and he probably fancies me- I really doubt he makes a habit of it!

    you guys opinions on speaking to him about it are what I really value. How do you think he will react. I would like to know if he is gay or bi or whatever, as I said we could bo good suport for on another.

    Maybe interesting- i havent seen him since, as I left to live in another country the day after it happened! We have only spoken on facebook, twitter etc. Normal chat only!
     
  4. Koll

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    Ah, so you only see your friend once in a while?


    Anyway, Johnt, Welcome to Empty Closets.
     
    #24 Koll, May 6, 2012
    Last edited: May 6, 2012
  5. johnt

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    at the moment yeah. I will see him frequently again in 8 months time when we go back to university.