1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Found out 14 year old daughter is lesbian but she hasn't told us (parents)

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by momto2, Mar 6, 2017.

  1. momto2

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2017
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    I will start by saying, I am okay with my daughter's sexuality choices, I will love her no matter what. This is also long, sorry about that.

    My daughter knows that I will check her phone from time to time and is required to give me her passwords/usernames, etc. A few months ago I decided to check through her stuff and noticed a text about her liking a girl at school. Then saw more messages of her telling her friends she was a bi. She did have a boyfriend when she was 12-13.5y old and seemed excited at that time that he liked her back and talked about boys but in the last year even though they were still dating she rarely talked about him and I kept asking her if they were still dating, one day I told her she should break up with him if she no longer liked him, that it wasn't fair to him. I found out about her being bi shortly after that.

    I did another check a month ago and it looks like she is saying she is a lesbian instead now. She talks a lot about having crushes on different girls, a lot of them friends of hers. It seems like most of her friends are still treating her the same and being supportive and she has some friends that are bi. I think that is great that she has that support. I have some concerns though, she went from wearing "normal" clothing to overnight wanting to only wear black and insists on wearing a choker necklace everyday at school. On the weekends she doesn't always wear black or the necklace but will at school. Two of the girls that she is friends with that are bi also dress this way, one of them doesn't. I feel like she isn't being her self! and maybe doing this for attention? I worry about her getting picked on for her sexuality and then she is adding her clothing as well. Maybe the clothing is just a phase, it just doesn't seem like her personality.

    Two of these girls that are bi are also girls that I had let her sleepover at their houses a few times last year before I knew, also I found out a girl she likes that may/may not be her girlfriend had a sleepover at our house and they made out (kissed/spooned) in her room. I am freaking out about this! We have always had a rule that she could not date outside of "school dating" until she was in high school (she is in 8th grade currently). My daughter has always had lots of sleepovers as well and still does. Most of the time it is with 3-5 girls though and this last time (with this girl) was just her.

    What do I do with sleepovers? I can't allow her to have just one friend here knowing it could be a girlfriend and I also don't want her going to other girls houses unless it's for a birthday party sleepover. With her not knowing that we (her parents) know how do I treat sleepovers without actually saying I know. Or do I sit down and talk with her and tell her I know? It would be so odd for me to just suddenly say, sorry no sleepovers.

    I feel like she is being so secretive lately due to the fact that she is hiding this from us and she has also been very augmentative and moody with her dad and I. I know some is age but I do feel like it might be because she is hiding this and it's stressing her out. I also saw that she told her friend that asked if we knew that no we don't and that we are homophobic. Not sure why she thinks that, an uncle in our family is gay and we've always been supportive, my other daughter is a huge US Soccer fan and a few of her favorite players are lesbians. She made a LBGT support website for a school project and we told her it was great that she was doing that. It really hurt my feelings that she said that about us and confused me.

    We walk on egg shells around her a lot of the time. Would it ease things or make it worse if I told her I know and am okay with it? or make it worse?

    I do worry about high school next year and want to help her with adjusting to starting high school as a lesbian. She is also on a studio dance team and will be trying out for school dance team in a few months and I hope she doesn't encounter issues with that.

    Part of me things maybe this is a phase for attention/rebellion and part of me thinks she really is a lesbian. I'm okay with that just really confused on how to parent her now with sleepovers and her not telling us.
     
  2. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    For the last part, I don't think being a lesbian itself is done for attention or rebellion (as it is a hard life), BUT her clothing change might be a sign of rebellion. I think all teens go through a phase like that where they wear weird goth type clothes.

    I first identified as a lesbian at age 14 (her age), and now I'm almost 27 and it hasn't changed. If she is a lesbian, she might just be being secretive about it because she feels ashamed or judged for it (not by you, but by society as a whole).

    Finding out you are gay at a young age is very tough. Teenagers go through a lot of angst and mood swings in general, so this just adds on to it.

    I think if she knew you were supportive, it would help ease her mind.
     
    LittleStargazer likes this.
  3. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,315
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    First: you're being a good mom, and I'm sure she knows it. Although why she thinks you're homophobic is a bit of a puzzle.

    The clothes are probably a phase; the feelings are likely to stick around.

    Sleepovers -- that's the real immediate problem isn't it? Some suggestions I've heard are like: more than 2 people, sleep in living room or other "public" place.

    And if she sneaks in a little more making out (like we all did) it's probably harmless -- although it is your mom duty to care about your kid being hurt, emotionally or physically.

    I hope some other parents have more hands-on advice.

    ---------- Post added 6th Mar 2017 at 03:23 PM ----------

    P.S.: If she knows you check her phone and this is an agreed-upon thing, you'd think she might suspect that you suspect. And maybe the fact that you're not saying anything makes her think you disapprove. (Silence can be so misconstrued.) It could be that she just thinks it's your move, and is wondering "Why doesn't she ask me about this?"
     
  4. Minny

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2016
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Momto2,

    Okay, this is my take on your situation. To give some context, my 14 year old son came out to us last autumn.

    First: as the previous poster has suggested, if it is an agreed thing that you check your daughter's phone she must therefore know that you know she is a lesbian since you occasionally read her texts. By your not saying anything (and you say you have known she is a lesbian for a month, and bi for a lot longer) it may very well be that your daughter is misinterpreting your silence as disapproval. The 14 year old brain is not an adult brain and however bright or mature a child of this age may be, they are riddled quite often with insecurities and a definite fear of rejection by their parents.

    To give you an example, my son came out to my husband first even though I am very close to him and we talk about everything AND (not knowing he was gay) I'd many times said to both my boys when referring to relationships: 'when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend' so telling them that we're fine with either. The reason he hadn't told me immediately, he told me later, was because I had made what to me was an off-hand remark about looking forward to having grandkids. He felt that by telling me he was gay, that I would be disappointed about not getting a grandkid off him! (I of course told him that many gay men do have children...which apparently he'd not thought about - not surprisingly at 14!)

    So even the slightest remark by you or an absence of acknowledgement of what you have found out by reading your daughter's texts, could well be interpreted by her as rejection.

    2. Being a lesbian isn't a 'choice' just as being straight isn't a choice. It's important I think to understand that.

    3. I really wouldn't worry about her changing her style, clothes-wise. Whatever she wants to wear is 'normal' and perhaps she wants to identify herself more closely with those two bi girls you mention. And that can only be a good thing, can't it? It means she has support and friends who are there for her - which is great.

    4. Don't worry about sleepovers. I do understand the worry about intimate relations, but this can easily be overcome by always inviting two girls at once. The worst case scenario is that they do a bit of making out.

    5. Related to point 4. I would personally sit your daughter down and say, can I have a word? And then say: look, you know I read your messages from time to time and I know you are a lesbian and I'm really happy for you and I'm here for you. Don't blame her that she hasn't told you, just ignore the fact she's called you homophobic (it's not important - you're not, and you will learn more sensitivity as I have, once you get used to the idea....and it might take a little adjustment if you had expected your daughter to be straight (as I did with my son)).

    Once you've had this chat, you should schedule another chat and then you can talk about your concerns about sleepovers (without assuming that every girl your daughter knows she fancies...which won't be the case.) And also you can point her in the right direction to safe sex which is still an issue between lesbians if you think it age appropriate - which in my view at 14 it is.

    6. I doubt very much that this is a phase. Can you imagine telling people you were a lesbian at age 14? It's a very big step and takes quite a lot of courage to do so. I can't imagine anyone would do that for 'attention' or any other reason. I'm pretty sure your daughter is a lesbian if she says so.

    7. Your daughter is bound to be argumentative and moody as it's a huge step to come out. I do remember wondering what was wrong with my son a few weeks before he came out to us. He was SO moody. It's a tremendous strain keeping things secret from your family and I'm sure this is a reason why your daughter is rather emotional at the moment. All the more reason to tell her you know and to reassure her that you are happy for her, and you are there for her.

    8. My only caveat to the last point of telling your daughter that you know, is if there is a chance that she does NOT know you go through her phone. But you say that she does, so she MUST know that you know.

    It's all going to be fine, so please don't worry. You're a loving, supportive mum and that's the main thing. xx
     
  5. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,315
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Minnie said so much good that I have nothing to add. Except.. sleepovers. (Again.) They are such an integral part of a modern girl's life that if you go imposing strict rules -- which might wind up just making sleepovers impossible -- she will be upset, she will feel her family is "weird" in her friends' eyes (for making up all these rules) etc etc. Try to not let the reaction be worse than the original problem. (Oh, how often does this occur!)

    She knows just as well as you that sleepovers are just a whole different situation when there is the possibility of same-sex romance. Now.. a little bit of that is what suffuses lots of sleepovers, so you don't want to trample on it. But you can talk with her and say "OK I don't want you having secret sex with your girlfriend under my roof."

    Just my two cents. You might notice that I'm a guy and why am I opining so much about sleepovers? Well I've had groups of girls under my supervision before, and I can see how valuable these kinds of socializing are. To prohibit them outright (which I don't think you were proposing) would just tear a totally unnecessary rip in her social fabric. I'm sure you can come up with some more workable plan.
     
  6. Shorthaul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2016
    Messages:
    1,498
    Likes Received:
    231
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'll chime in on the clothing bit, cause my sister went from the bright colored early 90's teen thing to goth pretty much over night back when she was 13-15. Now at 33 she is classy pin up, ankle length skirts, really done up hair, cat eye glasses.

    Also I agree with everyone saying to have a talk and clear the air. Let her know you love her and do not disapprove of her orientation. The best thing my parents ever did was tell me no matter what I was going thru, they understood because they went thru it too.
     
  7. PlantSoul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2014
    Messages:
    1,296
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Venus
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It may be a good idea to have her gay uncle talk to her about this since for whatever reason, she thinks that you and her father are anti-gay.

    The change in attire could be either a phase or, in the case of her emotionally lashing out, it could be a form of rebellion especially, seeing as how she thinks you take issue with gay people.

    From my own experience, sometimes we don't think straight, pun not intended, when dealing with our sexuality and how others may perceive it. We get into a defensive position and assume the worse. Despite society becoming more accepting, we still feel pressured to be straight and we fear animosity. I recently came out to one of my aunts. While I haven't known her for very long, I do trust her a lot. I have a relationship with her where I'm able to be very open about things. Despite this, I was terrified about how she might react. I felt really bad about feeling like I couldn't be open with her. So, I sent her an email with my concerns and she was completely supportive. It really took me by surprise. I hope I was able to give you a good perspective.
     
    #7 PlantSoul, Apr 7, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2017
  8. ghostly

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2016
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    To be honest, I think you're totally violating her privacy. I'm your daughter's age and I'm also a lesbian. I would freak out if my parents were this invested in my sexuality. As for the sleepover thing, I don't think you should ban her from having them. I mean she's 14, nothing's going to happen. And it seems to me like you have some hidden homophobia. I highly doubt this is a phase and I highly doubt she's doing it for attention. Just let her be, I feel like you're thinking too much about this and overanalyzing it all. Also the fact that you read her messages is really creepy. She isn't doing anything wrong and I think you should trust her more. This really isn't a big deal.
     
  9. juxlia

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2016
    Messages:
    111
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    As I am 14 (grade 9) as well, I thought you'd be interested in hearing from someone closer to your daughter's perspective.
    I feel like she is changing her clothing style to fit in. Like Creativemind said, a lot of teens go through a goth-type phase (I haven't yet :lol:slight_smile:
    I've always felt my mom never really trusted me. A few months ago, she would regularly take my phone and look through it. And I hated it. It was a total invasion of my privacy. I understand she is my mom, and I agree with parents deciding to check phones, but only if their kid had been untrustworthy in the past.
    The only things she found on my phone were text messages from a particular group chat I was in with "friends" from school. I wouldn't say I'm antisocial, but being around people mentally drains me. Social anxiety has also kept me from making friends, and I usually stay home after school and on the weekends, since I'm too nervous to make plans, and people don't know me well enough to make plans with me. Anyway, getting off-topic.
    The point is that I really only hung out with that one group of people during grade 8. I would eat lunch with them, hang out with them at recess, and some of them were in my class, so that was a plus.
    These people are pretty different than me - they like anime, video games, and discussing who their new shipping pair is. I got into a huge fight with one of the girls, but eventually ended up going back to them after weeks of eating lunch alone.
    The messages my mom found were essentially that group of people sending pornography of anime characters they liked. I didn't leave the group because one, I didn't want to get called out, and two, my iMessage is glitchy and won't let me "leave." Anyway.
    The clothing issue is probably similar to mine - just a desire to fit in.
    As for sleepovers, I personally don't see a problem with that. I would encourage her to invite at least two people, make it more of a group hangout. If she is persistent on inviting one person, try to get to know the girl. If it seems to be the same girl every time, try talking to your daughter about her.
    A lot of parents are worried about kids crossing boundaries when it comes to sex, but honestly, I have my own boundaries and firmly stick to them. I've heard so many parents say things like, "they won't know when to stop", or, "they'll feel pressured into doing more and more." A lot of teens recognize what they are and are not comfortable with before even doing anything, and if not, they'll most likely know how far they want to go.
     
  10. BostonStranger

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2017
    Messages:
    161
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Social worker here. The change in clothing is very likely a phase. All teens go through a period (around 5 to 10 years) of discovering who they are and developing a unique identity. It's also the time when many of them discover their sexual orientation and/or come out to themselves.

    Teens rebel (some more than others) to become more independent from their parents, they need space, but they also need support on their journey of self discovery, especially LGBT teens. I recommend you talk about it with her, tell her that you support her. I can't say for sure, because I don't know your daughter, but she might think that you're homophobic, because you avoid the subject.

    As for sleepovers, my parents had the same issue, but they knew with who I was and wasn't romantically involved with. That's one of the perks of being open and supportive, well for them at least.

    Long story short, communication, openness and support are key.
     
  11. WeDreamOfPeace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    371
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Essex, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey there :slight_smile:

    "Part of me things maybe this is a phase for attention/rebellion and part of me thinks she really is a lesbian."

    Nobody chooses to be a lesbian, nobody actually wants to have any sort of LGBT+ attention. Nothing against us LGBT+ persons, but face it, most of us had at least a few minutes of "oh no..." when we discovered ourselves. So no, chances are your daughter really is a lesbian :slight_smile:

    "I have some concerns though, she went from wearing "normal" clothing to overnight wanting to only wear black and insists on wearing a choker necklace everyday at school. On the weekends she doesn't always wear black or the necklace but will at school. Two of the girls that she is friends with that are bi also dress this way, one of them doesn't. I feel like she isn't being her self! and maybe doing this for attention? I worry about her getting picked on for her sexuality and then she is adding her clothing as well. Maybe the clothing is just a phase, it just doesn't seem like her personality."

    Actually, speaking from a teenage perspective... first of all, you're being awesome letting her express herself. Second, apparently "changing overnight" can just be an acceptance of self. After I accepted my identity, I've become a lot more open about my spirituality, fashion and interests. This could be perceived as rebellion, but it is in fact simply accepting all sides of oneself :slight_smile:

    And if she only wears these clothes at school, yeah there will be a bit of her that wants to fit in, but a school environment is different to home/weekends. She will want to dress in a way that makes her feel more comfortable. I (not out, remember) will hang around in tracksuits, t-shirts, vests, shorts, sandals etc. when I'm at home, and will go to informal occasions in pretty trashy mismatched clothing.

    But, if I want to be confident, I would like to wear clothing that makes me feel like all sides of my personality to expressed, and something that will make me feel accepted :slight_smile: Sometimes, that means shirts and ties, but most of the time black/grunge/metal etc. makes me feel better. It's probably just your daughters preferences :slight_smile:

    On sleepovers... would recommend only having more than one girl over at once. I have zero experience when it comes to friends/sleepovers (homeschooled, socially anxious with one controlling parent), but would recommend not letting just one girl come over, and stay in a semi-public place. Pretty much what everyone else has said.

    About your daughter's mood/assumption you are homophobic... when you haven't come out *whistle whistle*, you are paranoid that everyone around you might be homophobic. And yes, she's probably a little secretive because coming out is a big thing! The mood may be caused by that... I have been snappier around my father on various issues, partly caused by fear I'll be judged when I eventually come out.

    Long story short, don't worry too much, just approach her gently and at her own pace.

    Peace.:thumbsup:(*hug*)
     
  12. Foxfeather

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2015
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    69
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Let her come to terms with it and come out to you on her own time. Unless you see that she's clearly stressed out about it (and we never really can be sure what goes on in our kids' minds) and you feel you should step in and talk to her directly.

    Honestly, when I came out to a close relative, I was bisexual. Things changed, though, and I came to realize later that I am actually trans. That sort of leap, from being "bi" to "lesbian" to "trans" actually is enormous and takes a lot of toll on us. We try so hard to fit in at first, we don't find the breathing room we need to sort it out for ourselves.

    Even till this day, I still haven't found the courage to tell my mom because I know she'll reject me on the spot for what I am. It's bad enough to be a lesbian, but to be trans is unheard of in my culture.

    I'd say let your daughter figure it out for herself, and when she's ready, she'll tell you. But it would really, really help if you just made comments like, "Ellen seems like a nice person" or other crap like that. Trust me, it seems stupid, but it would have made me felt safer to come out if I had felt my parents were LGBT-accepting.
     
  13. poltergirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2017
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Somewhere In Space
    hi, i'm a year younger then your daughter and i'm also a lesbian! the whole "choker" thing is most likely a phase, alot of middle school girls tend to wear that, sorta as a trend. same goes for the black clothing.
     
  14. Foxfeather

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2015
    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    69
    Location:
    NYC
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Definitely talk to her at this point
     
  15. Islanzadi

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2017
    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    76
    Location:
    Quebec
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Kids don't tend to be very open towards their parents at 14, which could explain why she came out to her friends and not to you. If she knows that you read her texts, she would have erased every single text message talking about being a lesbian before even walking in the house after school if she really didn't want you to know. To me it seems like it was maybe her own way to come out to you...? If that's the case, she was probably expecting you to initiate a conversation about it, maybe because she couldn't do it herself...