In one form or another most have had struggles similar to what you are. I don't know of many people who realized they were gay and their first that was 'this is awesome'. For a time for most they would've said at one point or another if they could've chosen they would've chosen to be straight. People will focus on your religion being a root for these feeling but as someone who wasn't raised in a religion I can tell you it's as much society in general as anything. I grew up in a liberal family, they were accepting of others and when serious conversation was happening they always supported equality. However, jokes were always the norm, whether racist, homophobic or whatever there was continual sense of humour through out my family where those that were a minority were a punch line. The intent wasn't evil or harmful but damage was done. I didn't want to be gay, and in the face of all the evidence in the world I thought that I wasn't. Why would I want to be a punch line? So I got married- the gay porn/gay chat/fantasies became a regular part of my life. When that marriage ended I dated women again and figured eventually I'd get remarried and life would go on. But the 'gay' stuff was always there. I had to stop ignoring it. I struggled in a ridiculous cycle of questioning, self loathing and all of that for a very long time. As a result of it I built a wall around myself and woke up realizing how lonely an existence I'd made for myself. My happiness needs to count for something-I just need to find a way to be happy. So I decided to put the struggles aside-acknowledge the situation for what it is, and acknowledge that my sexuality doesn't need to be the all encompassing aspect of my life that I'd built it to be. Because it's not, it doesn't define who I or anyone else is it's merely a piece of the puzzle. I've come out to a few friends and have dated a bit recently but I haven't come out to family and I don't know that I ever will. The funny thing is since I started to accept myself, family and friends who have no idea about sexuality have mentioned how much more content I've been lately. There are days I wish I wasn't gay, there are days where I wish I'd accepted my sexuality years earlier and there are days where I wonder if I could marry a woman again and have a happy life. The answers always hit me: I am who I am, I can't go back in time and I have zero doubt that if I were to marry a woman one day I'd be overcome by the gay porn/chat and fantasies again and to try to live that life wouldn't be fair to myself or her. You coming here is an awesome step. It's a step to one day no matter what reclaiming some sort of happiness. The situation sucks (not that you're gay necessarily) that it's such a struggle....that life in general can't just be easier. We aren't entitled to an easy life or to good luck in life and some times we need to just figure out how to be happy in situations that are unexpected or less than ideal. You won't ever be able to change your sexuality-you just won't. But learning to accept it doesn't mean you have to come flying out of a closet wearing ass less chaps and a mesh t-shirt either. Nothing needs to happen over night-take one step at a time and the first step should be talking with a therapist. I wish you the best of luck and even if it's not finding acceptance hopefully you'll find some inner peace.