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Former lurker wants to say his piece

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by razorsharp, May 10, 2014.

  1. razorsharp

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    Hi all,

    I've finally decided to join. The main reason for joining is that I've been struggling with my sexuality for years (since the age of 7). I'm currently single and have had very few girlfriends.

    My main problem is that I can get addicted to gay chatrooms. I have never taken things further than chatting but I feel extremely guilty for my behaviour.

    I have actually been extremely depressed since childhood because of this problem. At times, suicidal.

    I know people here will be offended, but I actually disagree with homosexuality. If there was a cure for what I have, I would take it in a heartbeat. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with my views.

    I guess I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. My family are concerned about why I'm still not married. Although my struggle with my sexuality isn't the only reason.

    I don't think there is a legitimate solution to my problem. I think I will end up dying with this unresolved struggle. The only problem is that I still have another 40 plus years to get through in life. Sometimes I wonder why I even exist in the first place. I guess some of us are dealt with a bad hand, even if we should consider ourselves relatively lucky.
     
  2. BookDragon

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    Well...welcome to EC...

    Can you just clarify one thing for me. When you say you disagree with homosexuality, do you mean it's wrong for YOU or that it is wrong for EVERYONE?
     
  3. Pret Allez

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    I agree with her. I want to know what you mean by "disagreeing" with homosexuality. If, for example, you find it disgusting, and you're ashamed of yourself, that's a common feeling all of us have had, and we can work with you.

    If on the other hand you believe that homo- and multisexual individuals should be legally treated differently or that they should be informally sanctioned socially, then I call a safe space violation.
     
    #3 Pret Allez, May 10, 2014
    Last edited: May 10, 2014
  4. razorsharp

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    I mean that I don't believe that it is right. That is my opinion but I certainly cannot judge people - each to their own. I only included my opinion in the OP so that everyone knew where I was coming from. Otherwise you would not get the full picture of my struggle.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    Mmk...

    I have to ask this, and please don't think of it as an insensitive question because I understand where you are coming from.

    What do you want from us exactly?

    I mean realistically, we can try out best to help you understand it. We can provide a place for you to order your thoughts and hopefully, in time, learn to accept and perhaps even celebrate this part of who you are...is that something that you would be interested in?
     
  6. Pret Allez

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    Please clarify what you mean by "I don't believe that it is right." You're sidestepping my question. And you're leaving open two possibilities: one where we assume that "not right" means something people should not be as a matter of decency, or "not right" means something that should be prohibited or disadvantaged as a legal matter.
     
  7. Fallingdown7

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    Why don't you think it is right?
     
  8. KyleD

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    Why do you disagree with homosexuality?
     
  9. jnr183

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    @razorsharp: I understand your pain. While my conservative Catholic parents were always open to gay family friends, there were undertones growing up that told me homosexuality was wrong. While I accepted homosexuality as an OK thing some time in my teenage years, there was enough of an impression left on me that contributed to me waiting until about now to come out, at the age of 31. While I'm admittedly early in this process, I feel like I am already moving toward a better place.

    I have been struggling most with my sexuality for the last 4-5 years. I occasionally posted on advice forums and routinely the advice was to accept my sexuality and to come out. I hated that advice. Nothing about me made me feel like I could ever be publicly gay or bisexual. I have come to the point that I have finally realized that a life of misery is not going to be worth it. The advice back then was right so I'll give you the same advice now.

    I found that getting a counselor was really helpful in working through some of these problems.

    Good luck man! May we all end up happy.
     
  10. razorsharp

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    To answer the above questions. I guess I wanted some advice about what to do for someone in my situation. I've been reading this forum for the last couple of days...actually stumbled upon it somehow by accident. It seems like a very fair, tolerant and diverse forum. I could be wrong but my impression is that not everyone here is fully accepting of their homosexuality and I would also fall into that category.

    As I wrote in the OP, I do get very down about this issue and I am realising now how much of an effect it has had on my life. I feel like I could have experienced and achieved so much more in my life had it not been for this weight on my shoulders.

    I honestly believe that the universe would have been better off without me existing. On one hand, I have this struggle with homosexuality. On the other hand, I feel that homosexuality is wrong. Where do I fit in?

    Why do I think homosexuality is wrong? I feel it is wrong in a moral sense. I do not mean this in a legal or political sense. Similarly, I also feel that heterosexuals with multiple sexual partners are also morally wrong. Again, I'm not here to judge.

    I'm sure I'm not the first guy to have this dilemma. But I think I belong to a forgotten group. That doesn't mean that our struggle is any easier.
     
  11. BookDragon

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    To answer the above questions. I guess I wanted some advice about what to do for someone in my situation.

    Are you looking for any particular advice? I mean we can give you all the advise you want, but I feel compelled to point out that basically all of that advice is likely to be aimed at helping you accept that homosexuality ISN'T wrong and helping you deal with that fact.


    I've been reading this forum for the last couple of days...actually stumbled upon it somehow by accident. It seems like a very fair, tolerant and diverse forum. I could be wrong but my impression is that not everyone here is fully accepting of their homosexuality and I would also fall into that category.

    Quite true, not everyone is. Most people who aren't seem to find themselves asking for help understanding their own situation so they can live with it. Again, this usually involves coming to terms with the fact that homosexuality isn't a bad thing.

    As I wrote in the OP, I do get very down about this issue and I am realising now how much of an effect it has had on my life. I feel like I could have experienced and achieved so much more in my life had it not been for this weight on my shoulders.

    Plenty of people here know that feeling, I'm sure you will find more than enough people who can help you with that if you're open to suggestion.

    I honestly believe that the universe would have been better off without me existing. On one hand, I have this struggle with homosexuality. On the other hand, I feel that homosexuality is wrong. Where do I fit in?

    As I've said, probably the best thing for you would be to try and figure out WHY you think it's wrong and where the idea came from. One of the big things we tend to see are people who have been brought up CONVINCED that it is wrong for a million different reasons and are having to go through what you are going through.

    Thing is, in order for us to be any help you may have to answer some difficult questions. Your thoughts will most likely be challenged quite heavily, and you may end up having some very deep-rooted thoughts questioned and analysed...
     
  12. jnr183

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    I think thinking that the universe would be better off without you is a really sad thought and I think actively trying to change your mindset would make you feel better about things. Do you have close friends or family to support you?
     
  13. razorsharp

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    No I have no one at all to support me. My family are very anti-homosexual. They would be devastated if they ever found out about this.

    I admit that I'm fairly religious and this may have shaped some of my views on homosexuality. However, my religious beliefs aren't the only reason.

    Even if homosexuality wasn't wrong, it is still something that I do not want to practice. The only problem is trying to suppress my desires. It's not easy to do on a day to day basis, I'm only human after all. The trouble is, I have the challenge of trying to ignore these desires for the rest my life which realistically is another 40+ years.
     
  14. jnr183

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    I understand completely. I think finding somebody to talk to (therapist, counselor) would really take a load off your back.
     
  15. AAASAS

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    I think your mind would be different if you weren't raised religious. It's not the fact you're gay, it's the fact you're Christian or whatever.

    That has fucked your mind.

    My mind has been fucked as a result of Christian views, even though I'm not Christian or was raised in a Christian household.

    But I can tell you the source for the majority of hatred towards or all the hatred towards homosexuality is rooted in Christianity. Even athiest people that are homophobic got those views from religious people.

    Sorry to say it, but you godda drop you're Religion if you ever want to feel right about it.

    The thought that someone in the sky disapproves of your lifestyle is what causes you grief.

    Someone who just accepted reality for what it was, wouldn't have this problem. But you don't believe in reality, you believe in something that isn't proven to be real. Of course you are going to have internal struggles, you're letting non-existent things dictate your reality.

    I do this, without religion, and couldn't imagine my views if I believed in a God, it would be much worse, perhaps worse than yours.
     
  16. allnewtome

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    Your views are your views and you are absolutely entitled to them. Knowing how you feel yet still taking the step to reach out here is courageous.

    I will not knock your religion, but simply point out that more and more churches are beginning to change their stance and open their minds and their hearts. It's an incredible burden to feel like you embody something you were brought up to feel is wrong. That's not a religion thing that's very much a society thing and thankfully society is shifting in this regards.

    We get to a point I think in many aspects of our lives where things just aren't what we'd hoped for, dreamed about or envisioned and that's hard to handle in every area not just sexuality. Talking to someone will help. Searching out stories similar to yours will also help. It's not easy, who knows if it ever will be but I commend you for coming here,
     
  17. Melanie

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    I completely disagree with the statements that people get their beliefs about homosexuality from religion. I believe that religion is used to justify and condone some peoples loathing of certain groups. The word "homosexual" was not placed in the bible until 1979, just in time for Anita Bryant and Jerry Falwell to spew their hatred of gays.

    I'm in the process of completing a degree in history, and this is what has happened time and time again. You want women to stay in the home after the war so the men can have civilian jobs? Use the bible to find some support for your position. You want the southerners to feel better about slavery because they "needed" slaves at a point in time? Pull your bible out and take some OT passages .. there you go.

    I wont get into a debate over theology/history/etc I just wanted to make it clear that you can be a Christian (follower of Christ) and be gay.

    People fear things they dont understand. Its very likely that LGBT people will always be in the minority as normal variations of sexuality and as peoples understanding increases, then their comfort levels will too.

    I admire you OP for your honesty. You just discovered these forums a few days ago.. I hope you stick around (*hug*)
     
  18. KyleD

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    You have so much hatred and anger against yourself. Why waste your life in this way?
     
  19. Aldrick

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    razorsharp -

    I'm roughly the same age as you, and grew up in a small town. I was raised as a Southern Baptist. I knew I was gay with certainty around the age of twelve, though the signs and clues were there much earlier. As a consequence of my upbringing and surroundings, I spent the majority of my life in a not-to-dissimilar position as you.

    I hated myself for being gay. Growing up I used to pray every single night that I'd be made straight, and when I realized that wasn't going to happen, I began to pray to be made bisexual. When that didn't happen, I fell into a depression, and ultimately attempted suicide.

    Obviously, I was not successful. However, it was a turning point in my life. It would still take me nearly a decade before I could accept myself fully, and in that time I was still suffering - I struggled horribly.

    When growing up, there were no positive gay influences on my life, and everything that I knew and learned was negative. I remember a time when I witnessed people praying for more gay people to die of AIDS, which they believed was a plague sent from God to kill gay people. I remember thinking that I was going to die from AIDS, and planning to commit suicide if I ever thought I caught it so no one would find out the truth.

    To this day I still suffer from flashbacks and panic attacks from that period of my life. Even though I've moved to a point where I'm fully accepting of myself and being gay, and have moved into a very positive phase of my life - I still carry horrible emotional and mental scars from that period.

    So, I understand what you're feeling and going through. It's normal when you're raised like that, in an environment where you can't even imagine what it'd be like to be gay because there are no role models. Where you don't know anyone who is gay, and everything you know about being gay is through the lens of religion and others who hold bigoted views.

    How do you move forward? Well, you've already taken the first step. You've reached out. That's what I did. When I finally got access to the internet at eighteen, I met an older gentleman in his late 70's. He had spent his entire life in the closet, had married a woman, had kids, and was now living alone as his wife had passed away. After her death he started to finally accept himself for who he was, though obviously this was very late in his life. He was able to listen to me, empathize with what I was feeling, and tell me the things that I needed to hear.

    He told me that being gay was normal, and that I wasn't a pervert, an abomination, a sexual deviant or any of the other things I'd been raised to believe. He helped me gain my first bit of acceptance, the first bit of understanding that my life COULD be different. It was hard for me to believe at first; it was almost impossible to imagine. But I spent months talking to him, sharing my story, and listening to his as well. We both bonded over our shared experience and difficulties, he understood me in a way that no one else had ever understood me before, because he had lived a life like my own. And through him I could see where my life could end up.

    He never asked anything of me, aside from one thing. That was not to live a lie like he did, to not grow old and look back on the life you could have led. I agreed, and to the best of my ability I kept that promise. He helped put me on a path that led me away from suicidal depression. He helped me see that what I had been taught about being gay was wrong, and what had been done to me was also wrong.

    This was difficult for me, because it forced me into a crisis of faith. Unfortunately, this is inevitable on the path to self-acceptance for people like us. You're forced to confront what you've been taught, and find your own truth. Where you ultimately end up can vary greatly.

    Nevertheless, you've taken the first important step. You've acknowledged that you have romantic and sexual feelings for people of the same sex, and you've reached out for help and support. This is the beginning, and the rest of the journey is ahead of you.

    I encourage you to stay on EC and continue to seek support and advice. Talk about your experiences. You aren't alone. So many people have gone through what you're going through right now. People understand.

    Welcome to EC.
     
  20. razorsharp

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    Thank you all for your opinions. I don't think I'll ever accept homosexuality so I don't think going down the route of working on accepting it is worthwhile. I don't want this to turn into a debate about homosexuality - we'll agree to disagree on that.

    My options are either:

    1. Try to work on eliminating these attractions.

    Or

    2. Continue as i am for another 40 years.


    Option 1 is very difficult. I have looked into it and some people say it's possible but I'm not convinced. There are therapists mainly in the US who claim to have results but very few in the UK. Also, there is the risk of being found out if I attend such sessions.

    As for option 2. It's been tough, to say the least. I'm ashamed of my behaviour when visiting online chatrooms and the like. That's really been my only outlet.

    Although I've made it this far, I foresee a miserable future for myself. It doesn't look good does it? I'm not sure how much more I can put up with this before I finally draw the line and possibly 'pull the plug'.