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Forced to be in a relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by AdityaD, Oct 11, 2018.

  1. AdityaD

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    Okay, so I'd try to keep it as short as possible.
    Some days ago, I met this guy from my country in a chat room and soon we started having private conversation. After about 5 mins into the private conversation, he started telling me very personal stuff about himself, which generally one would never tell anyone until the 1000th day, but this dude started telling me about his very personal life. He told me about how he discovered that he is bisexual and also told me why he could never get to date girls. Within half an hour, I realised that he is lonely and depressed (and I don't know if he's suicidal or not). He desperately wants to be in a relationship and be loved and cared by someone. He told me that he'd never be able to date girls but he'd love to be in a relationship with a guy. But, he also said that he'd be in a relationship with a guy for only 4-5 years and after that he'd get his marriage arranged (well, that really is a concept in India) to a girl. Yeah, I know it isn't the right thing to do, to leave a relationship like that, and get arranged married to a girl. I strongly criticized his idea but then he told me a very damn personal reason(well, that's something I can't share here) about why he won't be to able pursue the relationship with a guy after 4-5 years and would have to get married to a girl only and after knowing his reason I realised that getting married to a girl would be the best and safest option for him and I don't blame him for that.
    But, ever since that day, he's been constantly messaging me and asking and forcing me to get into a relationship with him for next 4-5 years until he gets married to a girl. I feel like I'm being forced to get into a relationship. He is depressed and lonely and wants to be loved and cared and obviously I can't get into a relationship with him but also I don't wanna leave him in that state either as I know how it feels to be depressed and suicidal. So far, I've been avoiding his messages but I won't be able to do that for a long time and also at the same time I don't wanna do anything that'd make him more depressed and hurt him .
    Any advice about what should I do now?
    Thanks!!
     
  2. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    first and foremost, you should absolutely not enter a relationship because you feel forced to - not only is that completely unfair to you, it also just won't work because a relationship requires both parties to want the relationship in order to keep it healthy and intact. I guess you already know this but I just wanted to be an external voice saying, don't do this!

    Navigating friendships with someone who has a mental illness can sometimes be a bit tricky. there are some things that require a little more understanding, and like you're experiencing now, there's a little more worrying because you don't want to make things worse. However, being depressed or whatever is NEVER an excuse to make other people uncomfortable or cross other people's boundaries. Here, he's pushing you to agree to something you don't want to, and if you're in a place where you are avoiding his messages, he has crossed a line. If you want to continue this friendship, it's time for you to set very clear boundaries about what is okay and what is not for you. So, be very clear that you don't want this relationship, spell it out for him if you must. Boundaries are incredibly important and him being depressed is never a reason for him to cross them. If he does use it as an excuse after you tell him what your boundaries are, or if he tries to make you feel bad for having boundaries or whatever, that's a major red flag.

    I know that these things can be difficult to navigate, and that you just want the best for him. However, sacrificing yourself in any way does not help either of you. You unfortunately cannot make him better - that's all on him. I have to say that I find the fact that he immediately told you everything after only just meeting you a little concerning, though. To me that is a sign that he is looking for someone to fix his problems more than that he's just looking to find a friend. I might be wrong here, though. Did you open up as well, or have these conversations been mostly about him? Is there any space at all for you to share how you feel? How does he respond when you say you don't want to be in a relationship with him?
     
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  3. Broccoli

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    Woah, you first started talking to this guy 'days' ago and now he's attempting to force you into a time-limited relationship?! I'm sorry for him that he's obviously not in a good place but this really is a situation you need to remove yourself from immediately. I'd suggest sending him a kind but firm message saying you wish him all the best in the future and suggesting that he seeks professional help for his mental health issues and then blocking him entirely. This is not a healthy relationship and his mental health is not your responsibility. I get the feeling that you know all this and are just looking for external reassurance that you are not being unfair - so consider this it!
     
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  4. AdityaD

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    Well, basically he kept on talking about himself only and I just kept sending him basic replies like "hmmm", "ok" and other one line replies.

    When he asked me for the first time, I didn't respond for like an hour and then told him that, "I'll see " and the next time I told him that I don't think I can't do that to which he replied by saying that he's a generous guy and he won't cheat on me and blah blah and since then I've been ignoring his messages.
     
  5. tystnad

    tystnad Guest

    yep, that's a major red flag, and i have to agree with @Brocolli here. I think this is someone who is latching onto strangers in an attempt to fix himself, which is never going to work. What can help him is getting professional help from a therapist or whatever - you're not responsible for his mental health. It may be time to redirect him to that and distance yourself from him before you find yourself in a position where you really no longer dare to.
     
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  6. AdityaD

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    I don't think that I've enough courage to actually say anything to him now. I've a feeling that he'd take even the politest and firm message from me in a negative way . And I don't wanna do anything that'd cause him more trouble knowing that what he is going through and has a lot to handle. Could I just simply block him without saying anything because I think thats the perfect way to end it?
     
  7. resu

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    I think you should stop talking to this guy and block him if necessary. He is almost a stranger to you and is already using emotional manipulation about depression and suicide to do something you don't want to do. You might give him a phone number or address of some LGBT support organization, but he needs more help than you can provide.

    Whatever he might say about being "forced to marry," it is illegal for anyone to force him to do that, even in India. It is his choice to get an arranged marriage, and it is your choice to keep talking to someone so aggressive.
     
  8. Cas girl

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    Adi, get out now. Sorry I have been distant lately but I have a very valid reason, I promise. I will reply to any questions here in this thread.
    Adi, this guy seems like a leech. I also think he is not a legitimate bisexual because he has mentioned only one relationship and with a guy. Even if he is bi, seems like he only looking for a rebound. I feel like he wants only a no stings attached one.
    What’s his age? Have you seen his photo? Do you know where he is from? Did you tell him your age? What if he is person Whois only attracted
    Bhai, it is a catfish. Typical Hindi drama manipulation. Please please stay away from this fraud. Block him. You are not responsible for a person who you met only few days go.

    You are just fresh out of high school. Don’t get sucked into unwanted things. Bhai take care.
    And sorry for not being more available. I really have a valid reason. Btw, congrats on suspension of 377.
    Stay strong, Adi.
    Take care.