1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

For those who questioned their sexuality for a long period of time

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confuseddude, Apr 18, 2017.

  1. Confuseddude

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2012
    Messages:
    119
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hi All,

    I have been questioning my sexuality for around 3 years now. For the first 22/23 years of life I wrongly assumed that I was completely heterosexual and then in a sudden moment of clarity I realised that was completely an totally false. I have spent the majority of my time questioning thinking that I am probably bisexual but have been unable to find any kind of certainty in that statement. It's as if I have a constant 'fear' that I am actually gay and not bisexual. Not that being gay is something to be scared of (I would rather just know for certain even if that is the case).

    It's something that I obsess over regularly. Despite the incredible complexity of human sexuality I still would have thought that after 3 years of solid questioning I would have reached some kind of solid conclusions. But nope. Still as confused as ever. (Well that's not strictly true but I'm definitely still confused). So I wondered if anyone else out there went through a particularly long period of questioning before they felt they had things figured out. I'm not talking about the time it took you to start questioning. So for me I didn't start questioning till I was 23 but I'm interested in your experiences during the actual questioning.
     
  2. Mj5963

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    Port St. Lucie , Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well know one thing that is super important , sexuality is not so black and white it is fluid and on a continuum . Secondly only you can ultimately answer the question as you know . For me I questioned myself for many years and around 7 years ago while I am
    Married with kids explored with my first guy(don't want to rehash things of marriage etc) and over these past years I have explored , experimented etc and still as we speak I hate labels and dont really need one other than I know my sexuality is fluid and I accept I am not straight . Others need labels I do not . I suggest seeing a gay affirming therapist who is not there to convince u that you are gay but he or she is one that has deep experience in LGBT sexuality .
     
  3. smurf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    638
    Location:
    Florida
    Yeah, it took me years of questioning, experimentation and A LOT of time reading research and academic books about the subject.

    After all the time talking to people here about it, reading research, and living my life, the common thing that a lot of people experience is that at one point you start accepting that there isn't a clear answer to your sexuality and that's okay.

    There really isn't a clear answer. Your feelings and what you like are what they are.

    I personally identify as gay, but I really enjoy sex with women if I become friends with them first. That being said, I wouldn't want to date a woman. I also really enjoy vaginas, so trans men are incredibly attractive to me.

    I identify as gay because its easier for me to explain it. No one else needs to understand every single aspect of my sexuality.

    I just accept that its not black or white, and I allow myself to follow my feelings freely. Only then did the obsession of questioning and needing to know faded away
     
  4. maybgayguy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2015
    Messages:
    218
    Likes Received:
    64
    Location:
    MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi Confuseddude....There are a lot of us that have spent our whole lives questioning. I am 42. In my 20s, I lived in smaller towns and didn't know any gay men. I thought I couldn't be gay even though I bought gay porn...I thought it was a phase.

    I then married a woman. We get along well and sex is ok. But now I think about men all the time. I try explore without physically cheating so I end up chatting, phone sex, cam, and gay porn with men. I think I would be most fulfilled being with a guy - romantically and sexually. But I just can't explore that now.

    I think the key is to be open with yourself and your partners. Smurf seems to have it right. While sexuality is fluid, it can helpful to use gay or bi or straight to identify yourself. But the key is to explore and see what you find most fulfilling.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Trying to figure out ones sexuality when there are so many anti-LGBT messages is a difficult task. The resulting shame and internalized homophobia creates confusion, diminished confidence and self esteem. Defensive mechanisms kick in to protect ourselves leading us to either reject clear signs of our sexuality or ignore them altogether.

    Trying to embrace our sexuality in such an environment can be difficult without proper guidance and support. Some can do it on their own reading books, researching, engaging on forums; while others require the assistance of trained professionals to help establish a proper critical path toward embracing ones own sexuality. There is no one right way for any one individual.

    While your focusing on the questioning, have you addressed the underlying shame and internalized homophobia? Working through those emotions may help bring clarity as you elimate the negative impedements and thereafter focus solely on your sexuality.
     
    #5 OnTheHighway, Apr 19, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2017
  6. cocobean

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2017
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi confuseddude! I have been questioning for 6 years and as yet still have no idea! I have a rough idea of my sexuality but am not sure enough to be able to put a label on it. I don't like labels anyway, but for me it is important for me to put a label on it. I feel like this process is dragging on forever!
     
  7. Storge96

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2017
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brisbane
    I started questioning from when I was 11, and then gradually throughout high school was experiencing different attactions and ended up concluding that I am probably gay when I was 16-17. Even though since then I'd ID as gay (I'm currently 21) and feel stable and secure about this now, I'm open to the possibility that I may find myself being attracted to the opposite sex. I've definitely felt drawn to some people of the opposite sex in recent years, but it hasn't been to the extent of feeling romantic/physical attraction. These things can take a long time to figure out as you suspect, but that's okay because there's no rush.
     
  8. Kenb88

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I too have been questioning for a very long time, well over a decade. Basically I started being attracted to men when I hit puberty. But I've been doubting all along and have never had any kind of experience, aside from some that didn't go to well since I didn't like the men.

    Deep down I know I'm not straight. If you jerk it to members of the same sex, you can't be. It's a struggle but it feel so good coming to terms with it. Still trying to figure out whether I'm bi or gay.

    When I fantasize about same sex members I'm way more excited. I have experienced diifficulty with that thinking about the opposite sex, also hardly fantasize about women... It's so freeing to just accept it and let it be, besides you don't have to tell anyone, as long as you accept it for yourself.
     
  9. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I began questioning 8 years ago, when I was 14. I still am questioning, but I understand myself more and I actually feel like I accept myself now. I began coming out to people a year ago. I wanted to wait until I had a label but after 8 years of hating myself I needed to move things forward somehow. Now I think I fall between bisexual and lesbian, kinsey 4/5. I need more experiences to know myself more, and I realise I can't let people in unless I accept myself. I hope that when I sleep with a woman it will all click in to place, like it did when I first kissed a girl.

    Like you I spend a huge portion of my time obsessing with my sexuality. But it has been throughout my whole adolescence. I believe the damaging effects it has had on me are extreme, in so many aspects of my life and mental health. It makes me so sad to think how different the past 8 years would have been without the questioning holding me back, if my sexuality had been clear early on, whatever it is. Hopefully one day we'll be able to look back and think what we've been through has made us stronger.
     
  10. Confuseddude

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2012
    Messages:
    119
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    This really resonates with me! I often think the same when looking back over the years. I feel that the constant questioning has definitely held me back in certain aspects of life and it has affected my life in a multitude of ways. It's like it's altered the trajectory of my life somewhat and if previously it was heading steadily upwards it has spent the last few years moving sideways. I can only hope that one day we can move past the questioning satisfactorily enough for life to return to that upward trajectory.

    Thank you for all the responses from everyone btw. All much appreciated.