For Gay Teenagers, Hope in Numbers

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/16/n...enting.html?ref=nyregionspecial2>&oref=slogin

For Gay Teenagers, Hope in Numbers
By Michael Winerip

White Plains, N.Y.

Michael Moreno, a 15-year-old 10th grader from Brewster, could not believe
what he was seeing as he walked into the big hall at the Westchester County
Center, and he grew quiet. There, for as far as the eye could see, were
hundreds of boys and girls who belonged to gay-straight clubs at area middle
schools and high schools.

"This is a great moment for him," said his stepfather, Hector Ramos. "He's
always felt so isolated."

Michael had so been looking forward to the daylong PrideWorks conference
that he'd jumped out of bed that morning at 5:30. He was so happy and
nervous, he kept forgetting basic pieces of information. "Dad, what's my
cellphone number?" he asked at one point.

The boy has felt different forever, long before he had a name for it, at
least since age 5, he said. He told his mom when he was in the eighth grade,
and she wasn't surprised. "She figured how I was," said Michael.

"He'd hang out with the girls, not the boys," said Anna Trejo, his mother, a
court worker.

"He had female tendencies and a sensitive part," said Mr. Ramos, a flooring
contractor.

For these differences, Michael suffered. He was treated for depression.
Knowing no one like himself, he spent long hours on the computer. Several
months ago he told his parents he'd met a nice boy from Australia online and
wanted to bring him here for a visit. "He wanted us to pay for it," said Mr.
Ramos. "He was upset when we wouldn't."

How does a parent make friends for a child? "I had this weight on my
shoulders," said Ms. Trejo. "I didn't know where to go and what to do. As
his mother, I can help him only so much." Which is why the family had put a
good deal of hope in the conference here. As Michael said: "I was feeling
kind of lonely and stuff. I wanted to meet people."

This was the ninth year of the PrideWorks gathering, which is put on by the
Hudson Valley chapter of the Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network. The
conference is sponsored by numerous community groups, including a local
Merrill Lynch office, the Westchester-Putnam School Boards Association, the
Westchester-East Putnam Region PTA and a state senator, Suzi Oppenheimer, a
Democrat from Mamaroneck.

In the beginning, in 1999, there were no students, just 125 adults, mostly
educators who worked with gay children. This year, there were about 200
adults along with 300 boys and girls. Some, like Michael, attended with
their parents. More arrived in school buses with their Gay Straight Alliance
clubs.

At the outset, each of the 40 school delegations was announced, and the hall
filled with cheers and woo-woos. There were 20 students from Eastchester
High, 21 from Tuckahoe High, 22 from Putnam Valley High, 24 from Rye Middle
School. In the spirit of gay-straight clubs, while many were gay, some were
straight and supportive.

Michael Campion, 17, who is president of the Lakeland High club and
straight, persuaded his dad, Norman, the police chief of Briarcliff Manor,
to run a seminar that discussed legal protections for gays and police
prejudices.

Much of the day was filled with hour long seminars: Coming Out - How, When,
Where?; Gay Straight Alliance in Middle School; Hip-Hop and Homophobia; What
Is Transgender?; Healthy Relationships for Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender
Youth.

But the heart of things for these teenagers was just being with and talking
to and seeing so many others like themselves. "When I first walked in, I
felt like crying," said Brian Lindley, 14. "So many people were meeting so
many people for the first time."

Brian came out in seventh grade. "I'd be walking in the hallway, and kids
would yell 'fag!' " he said. In eighth grade, he said, a group of boys in
gym told him he had to wait for them to leave the locker room before
changing into his gym uniform. "I didn't want to make a big deal, so I just
waited," he said. Then the gym teacher asked why he wasn't getting dressed
with the others. "I said because I'm gay and they don't feel it's
appropriate. He said, 'I can't say I disagree with them.' "

It got so bad that Brian's family discussed moving to another school
district. "We didn't want Brian to be known as the gay kid his whole high
school career," said Andrea Werner, who lives with Brian's divorced dad and
is helping raise the boy. At the end of eighth grade she took Brian for a
daylong visit to John Jay High in Katonah, which, unlike the high school in
the district where Brian had been living, has a gay-straight club. "I loved
it there," Brian said. "I didn't say much about it to anybody, but I felt
secure there." Last summer, they moved to Katonah, and Brian is now a
freshman at John Jay. "It's just nice to be able to walk down the hallway
without people screaming at you," he said.

Linda Barat's son, Robert, 17, a junior at New Rochelle High, came out to
her last spring when she was driving him to Hebrew school. At the time, she
didn't have a clue. "He just said, 'Mom?' 'Uh-huh.' 'I'm gay.' I'm driving
along. What do I say? I said, 'O.K., I love you.' "

Robert was not happy when his mom pulled him away from lunch at the
conference to talk to a reporter; he'd been busy meeting kids.

Was he surprised, he was asked, to find so many gay teenagers in one place?
"Surprised?" he said. "Not really ... well ... yeah." When told he could go
back to lunch, he looked like he'd just hit the Powerball lottery. "Nice
meeting you," he called, racing out of the room.

"I'm sorry about that," his mom said, "but it's wonderful there are so many
people here for him."

While a few students had brightly dyed hair and exotic piercings and dressed
Goth, most wore the standard teenage uniform, a hooded sweatshirt and jeans,
which pleased Mr. Ramos. "I was telling Michael on the way here, I don't
want him to be overly flamboyant in his sexuality," he said. "Same as
straight people, we're not going to throw it in their faces and they're not
in our faces."

Michael didn't talk much during the four seminars he attended that day. "I
talked a little bit," he said. "I was still getting warmed up. I'm so new to
it, I'm still getting used to it."

His parents, however, could tell what the day meant. "Every time I looked at
Michael," said his mom, "all I could see was a big, cheesy smile." He told
her he was thinking about going to an empowerment retreat next month. "For
him to see that there's all this out there," she said, "a positive life
where he never has to be ashamed or put his head down..."

That night, when Ms. Barat and her son, Robert, got home, they went over the
day in great detail. At one point, the mother asked Robert if he was sure he
felt comfortable being quoted in the newspaper.

"Definitely," said Robert. "I'm tired of people assuming I'm straight."

 

Yeah, that part bothered me too but you know, most parents who are as loving and accepting as this parent get over that ridiculus feeling eventually.