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For anyone in a relationship and thinking of coming out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Helel, Jun 30, 2021.

?

Are you thinking of coming out?

  1. Yes, I'm going to do it.

    6.3%
  2. Maybe, not sure, not yet.

    56.3%
  3. Never-I'm comfortable here.

    6.3%
  4. I'm already out!

    31.3%
  1. Helel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    SEA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't particularly participate much in Pride Month (since it is non-existent in my home country and I think we should be proud every month of the year) but I'd love to share this story on this last day of June 2021 - a month I deem important since it's the month my mom came out to me.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    My mom and I are 30 years apart in age and I'm her first-born child. As a nurse, she's pretty open-minded with my sexuality, accepting that I like all genders and that I'm married to a trans MTF, or that my brother might also be something on the spectrum (took her some time to understand pansexuality and being non-binary but she eventually got there).

    Despite all that, her relationship with my dad has always been unstable. All through my childhood, they always fought and my mom always said she would get a divorce. My dad always demanded her utmost care and attention and got jealous of me and her close friends for getting her care and attention. Yet, now both in their 60s and they are still married, due to the social construct of needing someone to take care of themselves during retirement (due to the lack of social support in this country).

    At last, this year, my mom confided to me that she'd stopped having any sexual activities with my dad for a couple of years and that all through their 30+ years of marriage, she has never been sexually satisfied. To her, sex was viewed as a duty, an obligation. For her, sex was always painful. I listened until this part, I already knew that something was not right. Even with my biologically female body, my partner and I enjoy sexual interactions just fine without feeling those heavy senses of duty or painful experiences (you know, when you love each other, you can fulfill each other through various alternatives).

    We'd been talking for a few days until, out of nowhere, she blurted out, "you know, I don't think I'm normal." Then, she changed the subject, like she hadn't said anything at all. I did not let the issue drop. I waited for two whole days until I got a chance to speak to her in private and I had to ask her again, "what do you mean by you're not normal?"

    It turned out that she is a lesbian - always has been and thinks that it is sinful to be one when she's married to a man. She doesn't plan to admit to my dad and even thought of taking the fact to her grave with no one knowing. My dad has always been suspicious of this and that's why he was always jealous of her female friends.

    There was this one woman in particular which my mom always told me that, "she's just my close friend" despite the fact that I've seen a letter from her with one short sentence saying "you'll always be the one". It turned out that both my mom and this woman chose to get married to men due to the social construct of heterosexual relationships and despite being unhappy with the relationship, my mom chooses to stay and be miserable about herself. Despite having two pansexual children and one trans demisexual in-law, she still feels that her attraction towards same-sex bodies is wrong.

    So, how can someone who is open-minded like my mom has this kind of thought about herself? I believe that she's heavily influenced by the prospect of monogamy - that even in thought or feeling, she should not create sexual images of anyone but her husband. She still believes that it's sinful for her to have sexual fantasies for those faceless women in her dream or feeling aroused when she sees female bodies. I told her that it's not true and that her dreams, feelings, and imaginations are all her own to relish. I urged my mom again about that divorce she's been talking about all these years (though, she once again refused). I don't think I can do much more to help with her issues but at least I was the ear there to listen to her deepest secret and to share its burden.

    I just want to tell you here, whether you are a parent thinking of coming out to your child, a child to your family, or a spouse to your partner, things like religious beliefs and social constructs can be another two key factors that make you feel reluctant. "Is it sinful?" "Is it acceptable?" "Will they be okay with this?" and many other questions can run loop in your head for years.

    I'd say, take your time, I mean my mom came out at 60 you know and many took longer than that.

    But don't just wait around without considering your needs - ask yourself what you truly want. Do you want to come out? Do you want to explore your sexual desires? Do you want a different partner?

    Talk
    - you might not need to talk a lot with people who share the same worldview as you but in some cases, your parents or your spouse, or your child can have a different attitude. I don't think you should crash with them for being unaccepting, or accept their rejection, or just say nothing and never talk to them again. Communication is necessary for you to negotiate this "shift" in your relationship. Some people are being close-minded because they never know things differently - they grow up never believe that things can be different. Some people simply don't understand much about different genders and even people of the same gender can be different. Don't just expect them to Google the term or read some scientific articles about it, I think it's best explained from you x

    Accept that your relationship may transform - I could encourage you that your family will understand you and nothing will change but it's not always the case. My mom is still very afraid of being divorced if she comes out to my dad. Just bear in my mind that your revelation may transform your relationships - for the better or worse. Again, that's why it's essential to have a proper talk. Apologise if you need to or accept an apology when given.

    Believe in your relationship - this one this my personal advice. My mom might not be awarded mother of the year for child-rearing (as an Asian parent, she lashed out on me a lot), but she made sure to give me proper sex talks and always respects my sexual orientation and activities. If you share such mutual respect with your family, they normally will respect you the same way. I've always been honest with all my partners - a cis man, a lesbian, and a trans - that I like all genders and I always encouraged them to be honest with me.

    Give yourself space - take some time to look into your feelings if things get bad. Don't be harsh on yourself. Nobody is to blame here as people can view things very differently. Do things - new things or crazy things (but safe) - to make you feel better.

    Meet new people (for the worst case you losing your relationship) - don't just divorce your husband and just instantly get married to a woman. During this tender time, it's better to meet a lot of new people to find your "true self". You know, years of being in the closet can have you lose your sense of self. Don't be rash, just explore and enjoy new companionship. I know you cannot just replace a child or parents with other people, but you can find a new family who accepts who you are. If you still want your old relationships back, just go back there, and talk - but give them time to think.

    Hope you'll get something from my mom's coming-out story. Happy Pride :rainbow:
     
    SteveBi45 likes this.
  2. sandra111

    Regular Member

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    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wow thanks for sharing, i am a married woman and in my 30s,,,i believe i have always known i am either gay or bisexual....but i am not out,nor can i come out any time soon.I have never even tried to talk to women in that way untill recently when i got to know a woman that i liked,it led me to other gay/bi women and here i am now not knowing what to do
     
    SteveBi45 likes this.
  3. SteveBi45

    Full Member

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    Out Status:
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    I'm in my 40's and right in the middle of thinking about coming out to my wife, but I'm not sure if it's the right time. Your post gave me some food for thought. I shouldn't rush into the decision and I should really think about what I truly want.

    thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts.
     
  4. sandra111

    Regular Member

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    I understand you,i am in a dilema ...it is like one side of my heart says "you live once you will never get back the time you loose so just spit it out" the other says "wait a little bit it is not the right time"
     
    SteveBi45 likes this.
  5. SteveBi45

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Not out at all
    It's also difficult when you haven't experienced sex with someone of the same gender. It makes me question my bisexuality all the time. It's frustrating, but I do not want to cheat on my wife, just to find out what the experience is like. It would change our marriage forever.
     
    sandra111 likes this.
  6. sandra111

    Regular Member

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    I have not experienced sex with my gender but the feelings i have for this woman and how i notice the female body more than the male is pretty much clear to me that i am bisexual or even gay...i have just never wanted to give it a chance until i met this woman(she is a lesbian)