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First relationship advice

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by LuciferN, May 3, 2021.

  1. LuciferN

    Regular Member

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    Hello everyone!

    I am a gay boy, 26 years old, who was always trying to play the straight role, dating girls and trying to convince myself that I am not what I am. This year, I thought that enough was enough. I decided, that I should try to be myself and at least try dating men. This was a difficult decision, since in the country I live, this is not looked with a "good eye". Anyway, as a joke I downloaded a dating app and I met this guy. He seemed lovely and we started dating. It is almost two months now. Since it is my first gay relationship and he knows it, lately I feel we have some problems, but I am not quite sure if it is all in my head, or is there a real problem, so I decided to ask here.

    The thing is, that I am really giving my best to make this relationship work. When we are together, I am always the one, who cooks dinner. I don't mind doing it, but when sometimes I need help for something, or ask him to make a salad, lay the table or something like that, he says "Fine", does nothing and continues playing a game on his phone. If we are together in the weekend, I wake up one hour earlier to make breakfast. If we have to wake up early, I get up from the bed first, so I give him 10 more minutes of sleep. I buy him some small gifts, just to make him smile.

    Since he works in shifts, I am always doing my schedule to fit with his. This, sometimes is really difficult - I work out, so I try to have worked out in that day earlier, my appointments with friends must be delayed, ignored or skipped that day, so we can meet and many other little things like that.

    What I get in return, you may ask? The thing is that I ask this question myself too. I don't really need anything. Maybe sometimes a little sex? For the past two months we hadn't had it even once. Only french love, and masturbation, but nothing special. We've talked roles, and I told him my preference to be top. He has shared with me, that he likes anal, has done it a lot, but for some reason, does not "let me in". This makes me feel bad and makes me think he doesn't want it with me.

    About me - I work out a lot - I go to the gym 5 to 6 times a week, I go ice skating, I go jogging and I do rope skipping. I work in the IT sector, which means that especially for my country, I earn A LOT. I trim my body, use cosmetics and always try to look as best as possible for him (I consider myself as a masculine guy with athletic figure). I am trying so hard to find the problem in me, try to do something differently, but I still don't get my chance. I am sometimes making jokes about "going in", but I try to sound both as a joke and serious. Last week, he turned to me with the question "What will happen if I let you? What will you fight for then?". I thought to myself "Why should I fight for it? Shouldn't this thing happen in a regular basis in a normal (especially new) relationship?".

    So.. do sex happen as rare, as it is in our case? Do you see a problem, or am I imagining one? Am I doing too much, or perhaps too little?
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC.

    From everything you have said and especially this here it sounds to me as if the relationship that you are in is all about you giving and him receiving. If you are not getting what you need or want in a relationship and when you ask for what you want your partner is dismissive then in my opinion you are not in a good relationship. You have to ask yourself do you want to keep going the way things are, and if not then you need to get out.

    I do not know what this is, I dislike euphemisms almost as much as I dislike people being pornographically detailed. I do not need to know the details of what you do though, it is enough to know that you are not satisfied and that your partner is dismissive.

    This is a terrible response to a partner asking for something, if he does not want to then all he needs to do is tell you that. He should be willing to tell you why he will not do with you something that he has made plain that he does with other people.

    The amount and type of sex within a relationship depends entirely upon the people in the relationship. There is no "right" type of sex or amount of sex in any stage of a relationship, what is right for one couple could very well be wrong for another. I myself dislike penetration, my boyfriend knows this and accepts it. We have what we consider sex and we are both fine with it, we actually discuss it. I believe that if two people cannot discuss sex and what they want during sex then they should not be having sex of any sort.
     
  3. HM03

    Moderator Full Member

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    I am not saying this specifically for your situation, just in general - Sometimes we look back and realize something isn't as big of a deal as we made it. As long as it isn't a day after day thing, I think things that are a big deal to us should be addressed as such. If it's a big deal to you, and you are genuinely willing to try to see things from the other person's point of view, then always discuss things that bother you.

    I think it's worth mentioning that you feel bothered by this and would appreciate if 1) domestic/cooking responsibilities were done together, or shared a bit more equally and 2) he compromised a bit on when you hung out. Its not fair for you guys to only hang out at times that are convenient for him.

    I think everybody has hung out with their friends less when beginning a new relationship. But friends are great to have, even when your relationship is going well. Next time, don't change your plans with friends. If he wants to see you, he can modify HIS schedule so you can see your friends for a couple hours.

    In the nicest possible way, he doesn't owe you sex at all. He doesn't owe you the sex you prefer. He doesn't owe you sex as often as you want. Maybe his libido is lower than yours. Maybe he can't relax down there because he doesn't know you that well yet or because sex is turning into a fight.

    I genuinely do not mean for any of this to be be see as a personal criticism or personal attack. I definitely think it's worth talking to him about him making more of an effort for scheduling and making meals *together*. I also think you should ask yourself, will you be okay with the frequency and type of sex you are having a ways into the future?