Finding the energy and belief in yourself...

I'm sorry it's so hard. But yes, stay true to yourself. I haven't been, and I admire those who have the courage to make a change and be authentic. You are worth this. I hope things get easier.

 

Hey beyourself,

You may gain a little insight from the practice of stoicism (which is what is meant when people say they take things "philosophically"). Here is a quote from Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome and one of the most effective and insightful stoic philosophers to have ever lived:

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

...and this other quote from him, above all else, has helped me endure some pretty tough circumstances surrounding my late-in-life coming out:

“Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been.”

You are dealing with an adversary, your former partner, and he argues intellectually like a lawyer, you wrote. May I then suggest that you play the same game as he is, and get really clear-eyed about what it is you are dealing with. You may start with the stoic practice of negative visualization, which is, simply, trying to imagine losing what you have already. What you see as a situation that is wearing you down could be turned upside-down by concluding that if you had not taken the steps to leave, you would still be enduring life with him. You have your children, that is still the blessing it has always been...etc. etc. Take an inventory of the things you value and imagine what it would be to lose them. This is not morbid thinking, it is a way to appreciate and to hold on to the things you already have, with greater appreciation and gratitude.

As Aurelius wrote, "The impediment to action advances action...", in other words, the obstacle is the way, as the article I linked to above indicates, as follows:

"Suppose for a second that you are trying to help someone and they respond by being surly or unwilling to cooperate. Instead of making your life more difficult, the exercise says, they’re actually directing you towards new virtues; for example, patience or understanding. Or, the death of someone close to you; a chance to show fortitude."

The challenges you face now can be seen by yourself and others as an opportunity to demonstrate your willingness to live a life of integrity, to "beyourself" as your name suggests, not only to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing this, but to your children as well...for them especially, what better example of living with integrity could you possibly offer!

It is an error to hope that someone could come into your life to give you the comfort you need...to my mind, what you have done already is worthy of a massive dose of self-respect, you are demonstrating every single day just how capable you are!

Clear-eyed stoicism teaches that you need not concern yourself with the actions of others, simply because these are outside of your sphere of control. Why not choose then to focus on what you can control? Instead of perceiving that you are being harmed, you have the power to choose your own perception: "Don't feel harmed, and you haven't been" is incredibly empowering, and that perception, above all else, is most certainly within the realm of your control.

 

Try a little Loving Kindsness. Find something that you love about yourself and say thanks I like that part about me. Keep thinking the same thought.

Oh god that's bad.

 

U are very brave and strong to have taken rhe steps u have so well done u. I am still living with my husband amd kids no where near strong enough tp leave him so living a lie its not easy at times but it is what i need to do. So a huge well done to u