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Finding desire?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Nov 6, 2019.

  1. nerdbrain

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    Today I ended a relationship with a girl I've been seeing for about 3 months. My therapist has encouraged me to try dating men again, so I'm going to do it.

    I've tried this before, but I always came in expecting a "lightbulb moment," where I felt an overwhelming lust and realized I was gay. It hasn't worked out that way, perhaps because of my own denial, internalized homophobia, or whatever. I would go on a date or even have a hookup, feel totally underwhelmed and detached, and go right back to my usual routine.

    This time I'm going to come in without expectations, just try to get to the know the other person and be open to an intimate connection.

    There are two reasons this plan makes me uncomfortable.

    First, I still want the "lightbulb moment." Isn't desire an obvious, irrepressible force? How is it even possible that I need these kinds of experiments to figure out what I want? I certainly had no confusion around my sexual attraction to girls as a boy.

    Second, the idea of intimacy with a guy is pretty scary to me. I know it's a fairly common issue. But in my case, intimacy seems to be a prerequisite for sexual attraction. Isn't the primary benefit of being gay the ability to quickly get sexual gratification without the annoying hetero courtship ritual? Why am I such a prude?

    Anyway, I recognize these objections and have decided to put them on the shelf for now. My indignation has done me no good so far.

    Here's to keeping an open mind!
     
    ariverinegypt and regkmc like this.
  2. SiennaFire

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    I agree that this is a good strategy. Do you understand why this strategy is more likely to lead to your "lightbulb moment" than going into this expecting a lightbulb moment?

    When I was discovering my sexuality, the following quote resonated with me: "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." Joseph Campbell. A prerequisite for me to experience my "lightbulb moment," was for me to explore first the dark, scary cave because the lightbulb is in the treasure chest deep inside the cave.

    These seem like breadcrumbs to me... an escape route to safety in case the experiment is not successful. Would you agree?
     
  3. Nickw

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    Nerdbrain

    I wonder if you are just more in tune with your needs in this regard than some of us. When I decided to come out it was driven by curiosity, fantasy and lust. There was very little desire in the idea of sharing true intimacy with a man. Part of this was because I didn't think I needed it with being married to a woman and bisexual. But, a big part was just not knowing how important a connection is to me to really be satisfied by sex.

    The primary benefit of being bisexual or gay isn't that sex is easy. The primary benefit is to be able to connect to another human in ways that only result from letting yourself be vulnerable. The emotions that are generated at this connection, where sex is a bi-product of the interaction is, possibly, what you seek. It was with me.

    That doesn't mean these relationships need to follow a "heteronormative" model. It just needs to be what feels right. I love my boyfriend. But, I don't feel romantic with him that way I do with my wife. I know I could feel this for a guy; but not him. But, we care for each other deeply...intimate friendship...is what I feel it is. The sex can be amazing.

    This may be TMI here. But, he and I did connect with a couple of my friends that I had fooled around with while camping sometime back. I had a lot of fun with these guys on a totally casual basis one night after a hair-raising adventure. But, when we got together with them I didn't enjoy it. It was like "sex lite" and very unfulfilling. It appears you understand that you may need a deeper connection to get what you want out of intimacy. And, there is nothing at all wrong with that.[/QUOTE][/QUOTE]
     
    #3 Nickw, Nov 7, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2019