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Finally thinking about telling my parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Leah061, May 27, 2021.

  1. Leah061

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    I know it's been a while since I've posted here, I'm just having a really hard time with my family lately and need to talk about it somewhere. At 25 years old, I still have not told my parents that I'm gay. With the pandemic putting my entire job online, I was able to go home to spend time with them, and ended up living with them for about six months. I'm back in my own apartment now, because things are starting to open up again.

    In those six months, and honestly in the last several years since realizing I was gay, I haven't actually told them, but I've tried to hint at it to test their reaction. Most of the time it seems like it goes over their head. But sometimes, they'll make a comment or say something in a certain way that makes me think that they already know.

    Like one time, a few years ago, my mom told me about this cruise she wanted to go on with my dad, and mentioned to me that I could come with them if I wanted, and I could even bring someone like a boyfriend, or, after a long pause, girlfriend. Even though she said that, I could tell from her face that she was incredibly uncomfortable making that effort to seem accepting, and I could hear my dad next to her groaning and avoiding eye contact.

    So there have been instances like that where they try to test the waters with me and seem accepting, but I can always tell that they really don't want it to be true. I've always taken it to mean that when I do come out to them, they won't disown me or anything like that, but they are going to have a hard time with it. I think they probably are going to think of me differently and when I'm reminded of that, it is very painful. It's something I'm not ready to deal with, and I've been avoiding it for a long time.

    But then sometimes it seems like they have no clue at all. In recent months, they have increasingly pushed for me to start dating and ask me all the time if I'm dating. Tonight they asked me a lot about when I would get a boyfriend. It didn't feel like they were specifically saying boyfriend to discourage being gay. It didn't seem that calculated, it felt like they were really not sure why I don't have a boyfriend yet, and wanted to encourage me to go out and find one, like they have no suspicion of me being gay. I get that it could just be their way of denying it, but that's really not how it seems, and it's confusing.

    Anyway, all of this has me really thinking about how I actually am going to have to tell them one day. And when I think about it, and play out a realistic scenario in my head, I know that it's not going to be an easy pill for them to swallow. I've always thought that it might be easier for them, and for me, if I waited until I had a serious girlfriend to tell them. I think it would be easier for them to know that there really is someone that I love and who loves me, but I haven't had a relationship like that yet. Sometimes I feel like that's just an excuse to put off telling them.

    My family are the last people in my life that I haven't told, and it's starting to feel really heavy in my heart keeping this a secret around them. The more I think about it, the more I see how much it's holding me back, even when I'm living in another state. It really weighs on me some days. I don't know what the right thing to do is, and I don't know how to handle their reaction. I know that it will be hard when I tell them, but that they will come around eventually. It's the part in between that I don't know how to handle and am terrified of.
     
    #1 Leah061, May 27, 2021
    Last edited: May 27, 2021
    Unsure77 likes this.
  2. Unsure77

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    I'm in a similar boat. I'm actually planning on telling my parents in 2 weeks. I've been planning it out with my therapist. It's a bit terrifying, but it's time. And I know their reaction isn't likely to improve with time and it's holding me back. Plus, I don't like having the risk of them finding out accidentally hanging over me. They're super homophobic in my case, so the reaction isn't likely to be good. But I can't move on until this is done.

    Best of luck deciding.
     
  3. quebec

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    Leah.....You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. Again, that can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help!
    Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or six months from now, your parents will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.

    COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php

    Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    Yes, this does seem like your mom was trying to hint at her acceptance. I don't think your mom would have said "girlfriend" if the idea of it was appalling to her. Sure, it's uncomfortable for them both. That doesn't mean non-acceptance though. This will be uncomfortable until it becomes normalized in your family.

    I think it's clear they already suspect, but since you haven't told them yet, they still hold out some hope of you being with a man someday.
     
  5. elli0x

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    Good luck :slight_smile:
    I am in a similar situation but I don't want to come out.