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Finally talked with my friend

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by skloorrpt, Apr 28, 2021.

  1. skloorrpt

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    So I told my friend that I thought we should talk about about us as a couple. I've wanted to since he mentioned it a few months ago, but I always have trouble actually doing it since it's a bit awkward for me. I finally managed to bring up again, but the conversation didn't really go like I thought it would unfortunately.

    I wasn't really sure how to start, I just said something like "I suppose you don't have anything to say." I guess I assumed that since he was the one who brought it up all I would have to do is say I wanted to try and then we'd probably give it a shot. What actually happened is that he seems to have rethought it a little bit and I was pretty surprised. I don't remember exactly how he put it. He said something like "if we started dating what would the next step be? Maybe we'd already be ready to move in together." He even mentioned something about marriage eventually if we wanted to. I think he was sort of saying we've known each other for so long and we know each other so well that if we did start dating we might not even need to work on developing a relationship that much. I'm not really sure what kind of work we'd have to do. He's never really been in a relationship and I definitely haven't, so I'm not really sure what it takes to make it work, but I know it's not just about the sex which is basically all we are doing now.

    I know I'm not ready to move in with anyone, and I don't think he is either which may be why he changed his mind. I also think he might just want to try dating people and getting to know them in that sort of context. I understand why he'd want to do that because I've also wondered on my end if I only feel this way about him because we've known each other for so long. Like I said I don't remember exactly what he said, but I think he suggested something like waiting a couple of years and if neither of us finds anyone better than we can try. He did say that he wants to keep fooling around like we have and I'm not going to complain because I enjoy that, but I just wonder how that will affect this whole situation. Waiting kind of worries me because I can't really see myself with anyone else at the moment, I guess that could change. I'm worried because I doubt I'll find anyone I'd rather be with and he could probably do way better than me. I worry that if he's going to try dating other people he might find someone else and then I'll have missed my chance.

    I was going to say more about how I was feeling, but the conversation got cut a bit short because his phone died, and I didn't say it before that happened. I ended up texting him a couple days later and telling him how I was feeling about the whole situation. I basically just said that I am interested in trying, but I'm also not against waiting a while because I'm not really in a good place mentally right now and I feel like I've got some work to do on myself. I guess I should actually get started on that, but I'm not really sure how. I also mentioned that I don't want to miss the chance to try making a relationship work, because I feel like I'll always wonder what could've been if we never get the chance to try.

    So, the conversation didn't really go as planned. I was surprised by what he said and I'm pretty bummed about the whole thing. I suppose it's partially my fault for getting my hopes up. I was getting used to the idea of us as a couple and I thought it was almost a sure thing as long as I let him know I was willing to try. Now I'm not so sure, and I kind of worry that it will never happen now.
     
  2. sojabohnenfeld

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    I can't give you perfect advice, but here are some of my thoughts. First, I don't really understand the first sentence of your post. "We should talk about us as a couple." This doesn't feel like a very concrete sentence. What did you want to talk about? What was your expectation? But I understand that it's difficult to be direct.

    Also, you said he brought up marriage. Honestly I don't really understand this, but here is my own personal view: if you want to get married, get married. What I mean is, there's no pressure. A relationship is supposed to be something you enjoy, so you should prioritize doing, things you enjoy. Maybe this helps. I'm not sure how to explain.

    So regarding what it takes to make a relationship work... they're a lot like friendships. It's exactly the same. Again, this is my opinion. But how I see it is, you maintain a relationship a lot like you maintain a friendship. You could plan things to do every so often, and then say how that makes you feel. I can only speak for my life but, it takes time, and you just have to let the other person know how you feel. Honesty is great. Certainly there are other people who will have more useful advice but that is some of what I can say.

    (For example, friend breakups are 100% a thing, as well as friend crushes...)

    I don't really like what he said about trying if there's absolutely no one else... I'm not clear on this but maybe it's an issue of confronting sexual orientation? I think, when you're in a relationship, you often have to be very open about it, around other people... who might assume he's your friend or brother.

    And lastly, a positive comment here, it's good you know you can work on yourself! Everyone can, but it's important to recognize it and be honest with yourself, as you have been.

    Your post is long, so I attempted a long answer. It's not perfect, but maybe it helps!
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    To speak figuratively it seems to me as if the two of you are currently in the "wading in the edge of the pond" stage and are discussing "cliff diving" without any growth or practice in between. If you two cannot even openly discuss dating or what sort of relationship you currently have and what you want it to really be then you are not at all prepared to be in a serious relationship, let alone ready to be married. Serious relationships require open communication and marriage is a very serious relationship.

    Making a pledge to end up with each other if "we do not find anyone better after X years"?! I have never known anyone to do this outside of a movie. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone it should be because you want to be with them specifically, not as a last ditch desperation move.

    This sounds to me as if you should work on your self esteem. I do not believe in the "there is one and only one person for each of us" philosophy. In my experience feeling this way caused me to end up with people who were abusive because they know that with me being desperate that they can do anything that they want.

    It would be best for you to work on getting into a better space mentally for yourself. I think that you should work on your own issues in therapy before you even try to be in a serious relationship with someone else.
     
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  4. skloorrpt

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    Without any context this post probably seems a bit weird. My friend came out as gay around 3 or 4 years ago. My own sexual orientation has been ambiguous at best for at least that long. A year or two ago I told him I wasn't very sure of my own sexuality. That sort of led to him eventually asking if I'd want to cuddle around a year ago and since then we've started fooling around a little bit more. A few months ago he told me he thinks we would make a good couple.

    I guess when I say that I wanted to talk about it I just meant that I wanted to tell him I am interested in trying. Since he was the one that originally said he thought we could make a good couple (even though I was kind of thinking about it myself) I guess I wanted to talk about what that would involve and how we could make it happen. I didn't think that he would have changed his mind like he seemed to. The marriage thing is something that would be WAY in the future only if we do end up as a couple eventually. It wasn't anything that would happen anytime soon even if we were "officially" a couple.

    I'm not exactly sure what he meant when he was saying that we should maybe wait. I don't know if he was saying we should only try if there is no one else. I think I might ask him to clarify again what he meant. I was a bit drunk at the time and I don't remember exactly what he said, but I don't want to bother him about it too much and I don't really know how exactly to ask him again. I'm trying to be more open with him even though I'm not out to anyone else, which is another issue with us being a couple.
     
  5. skloorrpt

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    I'm trying to be more open with him, It's something I'm working on. I'm not good at it, but honestly the fact that I was able to bring this up is progress for me. I think we need to talk about it more I just don't want to bug him about it too much since we've already discussed it a bit. Marriage is WAY in the future, it's nothing that would happen any time soon, that's not what he was suggesting, I should have made that more clear.
    I don't know exactly if being together if we don't find anyone better is what he was suggesting. That's why I want to talk with him more. I might send him another message and ask him to clarify again what he meant when he said he thinks that we should wait. I really do want to try being in a relationship with him, it's not a last ditch effort thing. I think it could be really nice, I think we would make a good couple. I know that I need work, I just don't want to miss my chance with him.
     
  6. old tacoma

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    I’m sorry to hear that your conversation didn’t go as you had hoped. @sojabohnenfeld and @QuietPeace have offered you some very good advice and comments. My only addition would be to have your conversations with your friend in person (not over the phone) and be 100% clear headed (sober).
     
  7. sojabohnenfeld

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    It's not weird.

    Good for your friend, that he came out!

    If you'd like to talk about your orientation, as you know, this site is always here.

    To me, it makes complete sense that you wanted to talk to him! It seems like this is something you both are thinking about. Is he like you -- is he not very confrontational? Or maybe he doesn't think about it as much. It's hard to say.

    About marriage, I just meant, don't do something because it's supposed to happen... just do what you want. I just don't think it's taboo to talk about it. But maybe this isn't relevant. This is just my opinion. Another example would be, I guess, don't become a couple if you think it would be too disruptive? Whatever you have at the moment... maybe you don't need to label it yet? Just don't label it? Unless you really intend for that. Food for thought I guess.

    Lastly, I think I was going to say, I think it's a good idea to ask him again. But don't ask. Just say how you feel, and give reasons! Not that you have to be direct. But tell him what you think and if he's interested he will answer.

    You know this situation better than I do, so don't think too much about my words. But I thought I might be able to give input. Also I too am from the midwest, and my parents were unaccepting of my differences. You probably know this but this website is a great place to learn from others experiences of sexuality/gender.
     
  8. skloorrpt

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    I would've had the conversation with him in person, but he's out of state for school right now and he probably wont be back for at least a few weeks. We were also just chatting while we played a game online so I had a few beers I know I should probably be completely sober too but it helps with bringing it up a little bit.
     
  9. old tacoma

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    Very understandable. As you probably know, I’m an old guy so I have a bias in favor of direct conversation, especially for intimate stuff.
     
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  10. skloorrpt

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    I'm happy for him that he came out too. When he told a few of my friends and me I could relate to some of what he was saying.

    I've been using this site a lot ever since discovering it about a year ago and I'm glad it exists.

    He's more confident and doesn't seem to have such a difficult time discussing this. He probably also doesn't think about it as much as me. I worry that I'm obsessing about this all a little bit too much. I might try to ask him again once he's back here again for summer break. I do think it would be a good idea to talk in person even though it will probably be harder than talking on the phone or texting him. He also wont be back for probably a month or so.
     
  11. old tacoma

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    Just a suggestion... between now and when you can meet with him in person, write down (in your phone if that works for you) some of what you still want to say to him. Basically notes for yourself for later when you meet. In the meantime, when you’re online with him and/or talking on the phone, let him take the lead in any friendship/relationship conversation. He sounds more open and comfortable with himself, not hesitant, so now that he knows some of your feelings and concerns, let him give you some feedback. Remember, this is a process. Nothing needs to be decided in the coming week, the coming month, even the coming summer. I know it’s a cliche, but if a relationship is meant to be with him, it will happen. Let it happen, if that’s what you want. Like I wrote at beginning of this, just a suggestion.