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Finally letting it all out! Trying to figure myself out.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Cora san, Jun 6, 2016.

  1. Cora san

    Regular Member

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    hi, everyone! I'm 22 (as of today :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: ) with zero experience in relationships (haven't even had a first kiss yet) and I'm really trying to figure myself out.
    two months ago I was "convinced" I was straight but all of a sudden I started questioning myself and since then I can't let it go. I'm alternating between this "straight but really confused" and "repressed bisexual" states and it's driving me mad, I just want to know which one is the real me, I've decided to embrace myself and try to stop caring about what would others say.

    As I mentioned in my introduction post I have a serious problem with trying to meet others expectations and fit in. This has caused me to repress myself both consciously and unconsciously in many ways, I know that, and I now believe my sexuality was one of the biggest things affected by that.

    :bang:So after three days writing and rewriting this I just want to post it. It ended being really long so I will put a spoiler tag on it and make a TLDR at the bottom and pray this bunch of words makes any sense.

    Right now I'm pretty sure I'm at least Bi-curious as I find myself seriously attracted to the idea of having sex with men and women equally. But at the same time I generally ignore people around me, normally I don't find myself thinking stuff like "oh, that man/woman is hot!" when walking down the street. I can still recognise if I find a person attractive or not if I stop to think about it, tho.
    Since I started questioning I've been forcing myself to pay attention and for now, I can only tell that I seem to be more easily attracted to the feminine figure, by this i mean that i kind of find certain attractiveness in most women I see wile I kind of find most, if not all, men I see ugly, which makes me completely doubt the possibility of been Bi, but then I come across one guy I consider good looking and that gets me all nervous and blushing and back to questioning (could I just be extremely picky about guys when it comes to looks?).
    When I try thinking of a woman or a man to fantasize it is generally more of a blurry idea of woman or man rather than a clear image. I don't have what could be called preferences (e.g. blond, brunette, muscular, tall, short, etc.),I have to look at people and then decide if I find them attractive or not.
    As far as I see it right now my attraction to someone, despite looks being a factor, seems to be based by the most part on their personality.

    Regarding relationships is where I'm completely lost and worried. right now I think I really don't mind whether my partner ends up been a man or a woman but I haven't been in a relationship ever so I'm not really sure how that would go or if I'm ready to be in one, being single all my life the whole concept of getting so involved and dependant on another person sounds scary enough already without having to think of what others would say if i was with a man.

    Until recently i was convinced i never looked at people with that sort of potential partner interest, with only 3 exceptions in my whole life I had to think really hard to actually remember: one when I was around 5 years old and another one when I was 12, both so small I barely could call those crushes. and another one at around age 9 with a close friend (actually the only girl I considered a friend when I was young), i do consider this one a crush despite never actually admitting it to myself at the time, I'm too shy so obviously never acted upon any of those feelings, none lasted that much anyway.

    But since I started questioning I've been remembering and noticing a few things I've been ignoring:

    -I always felt curious and attracted to LGBT+ stuff and people but never dared to admit it

    -despite always considering myself straight I always felt like I had something to hide/prove regarding my sexuality.
    I never really been seriously bullied but I did become the target of the mean kids from time to time, mostly I ignored whatever they said/did but somehow if they messed with my sexuality despite my outer reaction being the usual, inside I felt really uncomfortable as if I had something to hide.

    -I also always avoided looking at strangers, it makes me nervous, with women I kind of always understood it as logical of me, I consider myself sort of a gentleman so it kind of feels like if I look at them, they might feel uncomfortable, you know, because of the whole thing of men staring at women being disrespectful. But the weird thing is, it also happens with guys, I always felt awkward to look at guys because I felt they may think I'm gay and checking them which I wasn't really doing (not really sure anymore).

    -the more obvious one: I had what I should now call a consistent crush on my best friend(male) around age 15, we spent a lot of time together, had the same tastes in almost anything and could even predict what the other was thinking, I felt really close to him, this got to the point where i started to imagine what it'd be like if we were a couple. when I was with him I imagined us holding hands or hugging and if I spent the night at his house I would start thinking of what would happen if I kissed him while he was asleep. Obviously, I never acted upon those feelings and convinced myself it was just a phase and it was impossible those "thoughts" were real and decided to ignore them. Later when he got a girlfriend I got really jealous and left behind. In this case, it was entirely about his personality as don't think I ever considered him physically attractive

    -Later I had what I just now realize may have been a sort of crush on another friend although he did had a great personality, this time, it was mostly physical. we haven't seen each other for a long time because of life but last week was his birthday so his picture popped up on my Facebook, suddenly it stroked me that I've been actively avoiding looking at his pictures (he is the kind of guy that needs to post his whole life in Facebook, especially about his workout, tattoos, this weird running competition thing that involved getting all dirty in the mud... You get the idea),i always though i avoided looking at this pictures because I was straight and I didn't felt comfortable looking at another guy but when his picture popped up the other day I questioned myself, maybe it's actually because I kinda find him hot that I felt awkward back then, you know, because I was "straight" and that would've been weird.

    -now that i think about it i have had this feeling of wanting to just suddenly start kissing a few friends both male and female at some point, it was like a random thought in the back of my mind making me all nervous i just ignored until it faded.

    -since i started to watch porn I've always been kind of attracted to gay porn but i forbade myself from watching it at first, but as the years went by i slowly allowed myself to start watching it by telling myself it was alright as it was just a fetish, always felt guilty watching it and always tried to ignore the faces. But now after i stopped caring about what people may think, i feel totally ok with it.

    TLDR:
    -Zero experience in relationships.
    -Zero physical experience (as in kisses, hugs or holding hands).
    -for now, I believe I'm at least Bi-curious, I am attracted to the idea of sex with men and women.
    -when out, people don't really catch my eye. I can tell if I like someone physically if I think about it tho.
    -i find women generally attractive and men generally ugly but still find some that catch my eye.
    -I seem to feel attracted to people more because of their mind rather that their looks.
    -despite considering myself completely straight I always felt like I had something to hide regarding my sexuality when the subject was brought up.
    -had crushes on girls when I was young, nothing really serious.
    -I'm pretty sure I had a big crush on my best friend(male) when I was 15.
    -I've felt like kissing both men and women in the past, only friends.


    :confused:hope this wasn't too confusing. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this or if anyone had a similar experience.
     
  2. GodlyArmadillo

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    Hello!

    From what you write, I think you still need some more time and experience to figure yourself out. First of all, don't worry! It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow, some people take more time than others, so remember that it's ok to take as long as you need to figure this out. :slight_smile:

    Secondly, from what you write it does sound like you're attracted to girls. But I also notice some bicuriousity and some hints of either demi- or sapio- sexuality; maybe bisexuality? If you don't know what those are, maybe take a look, it might help clear your head a bit as well. (Or ask here and I'll answer.)

    And finally, maybe take it one step at a time :slight_smile: Yes, it's good that you took the time to write all of this and you've been really honest with yourself (and us!) but try to sort out each thing separately. That also means, prioritising and figuring out what to work on first, and then thinking about which problems you have in that area. That is to say, it will be much easier for you and for the posters to help you out if you separate all this into different conversations.

    Good luck with figuring this out :slight_smile:
     
  3. Cora san

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    Hi!!
    First of all, let me thank you for replying and taking the time to read that monstrosity, kind of lost faith someone would actually read it as soon as I hit the submit button. didn't meant for it to get that long but as soon as I started typing I couldn't stop myself, then I tried to fix it and ended up adding more stuff...:eusa_doh: apparently i really needed to take this out, actually feel better now that I did, It was good to put it down into words I guess.:astonished:

    Yeah, seems like figuring myself will definitely take time and experience. in the last couple days, I've come to accept the time part, I haven't been feeling this suffocating pressure to find an answer right away but I'm still unsure about my ability to get the experience considering my personality.

    Anyway, thank again for answering! it meant a lot! and I promise I'll try to keep it simple from now on.:lol: