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finally gave my stepdad permission to know what I’m going through

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by anonmember, May 22, 2018.

  1. anonmember

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    My stepdad now knows my struggle. And we had a conversation about it today. It started out smooth, but at the end of the conversation, he still expressed that he doesn’t really think I know who I am even though I really do, and I told him I do and I’m just not gonna care what he thinks, and he immediately called me “defensive” for saying something like that. In the end, it ended in a bout of “anger”. My mom seems to be smooth about it now, but my stepdad still seems to be stuck in “anger” and “denial”. We were working on a project together, and he (with hostility) told me to stop working on my project and go visit my grandma, because he still apparently can’t stand being around me when I have these kind of discussions with him. I am glad I’m going to see my therapist (who totally affirms and believes I know who I am) in 2 days to help stop this issue. While I feel my mom is a safe person to talk to, I don’t feel my stepdad is as safe as I would like him to be. He is straight, and he just doesn’t get what it’s like.
     
  2. Love4Ever

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    I think it's great you told him! Good for you for being so brave. I am sorry his reaction wasn't all that you hoped for, it takes people time I think to come around and strangely it seems a lot of monosexuals seem to struggle with understanding bisexuality. I feel like they almost understand better when someone says they are gay. I would continue to talk to your mother and maybe she can talk to your stepdad and fix things between you guys. I think being patient with him might be the best thing here.
     
  3. anonmember

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    I think it also has to do with the fact that I’m autistic. There are a number of articles out there that say that people with autism have a hard time understanding their sexuality and that it’s a normal part of the development process for these individuals. And my parents have read some of these articles. And while I think this is true to some degree, I think these articles can be really deceptive and misleading, and I am disgusted that these articles even exist, because they’re trying to push a false agenda that “All autistic individuals are incapable of understanding their own sexuality without having a sexual experience”, and it encourages people to be more hostile towards those on the autism spectrum. Some people just “know”, whether they have autism or not.
     
  4. Love4Ever

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    Yeah that sounds like bogus to me. Only you know what you want, no one else can tell you that.
     
  5. pay

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    Ah, the infamous, although sometimes silent, "it's just a phase". Even though it didn't go very well, I'm still very happy for you that you managed to talk to him about that. It takes a lot of courage to express what you're going through to someone that might not understand what you're going through.
    Some advice I can give you: give it time. His reaction might have not been what you wanted, but in time he'll learn to accept you for who you are and what sexuality you are. Once he realizes that you're being honest about it, and it's not because of your autism, he'll understand. As your stepdad, no matter if you're related or not, he's supposed to look after you. Just because he reacted the wrong way doesn't mean he'll act like that forever. Denial is very common in pretty much everything that we do, like experiencing loss, or in this case, finding out your stepson's sexuality. He'll most likely learn to accept you for you.
    What you have to do is keep being yourself. Be the same person you were before you came out to him. Kill him with kindness, and I'm sure he'll heal from what he heard. In order to build trust with him, you have to be yourself, and allow him to be himself. He'll heal if you show him that you haven't changed. You're still the same person.
    Wishing you the best of luck (and am so proud of you!!).
     
  6. Quantumreality

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    Hey @ anonmember,

    I'm just curious. Have you actually been diagnosed as autistic? Do you have what they call these days Asperger's Syndrome?


    Regardless, I agree with @Love4Ever . Only you can ever actually know your own attractions. Your stepdad cannot actually know anything more or less about how you feel than you tell him. And using autism as an excuse for his unwillingness or denial (at least at this point in time) to accept you for who you are is simply disingenuous.

    My 2cents.
     
  7. anonmember

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    Yes, I have actually been diagnosed. I was diagnosed at age 2.
     
  8. anonmember

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    He loves me unconditionally. Both of my parents do. Sometimes, I just think they can get too harsh about stuff.
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    Well, then I don't think you need to be concerned. He WILL come around since he loves you. It may just take time.
     
  10. Chip

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    Just for the record, aspergers and autism are separate disorders, though aspergers is an autism spectrum disorder that resides at the milder end of the autism spectrum. Autism itself can range from mild to severe, and the particulars of how it affects an individual vary tremendously from one person to the next, so for some, the cognitive awareness of sexual attraction might either be limited or interpreted on a different understanding than what people who don't have autism would experience.

    I'm inclined to agree with this. It sounds more like he's in denial himself (hence the anger response; denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance), and will likely come around. I think gently reinforcing the idea that this is who you are, even if it upsets him when you do so, will reinforce the idea that this is who you are, and it isn't going to change and isn't a phase.
     
  11. anonmember

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    This is me basically coming out a “second time.” I had to do it again because it didn’t go well the first time and I’m trying to fight for my freedom. My mom believes me now, so I feel warm and welcome by her, but my stepdad still doesn’t believe me, and he never really believed me even when I came out to him months ago. I have tried so hard to convince him that this is who I am but he just doesn’t get it, which makes him more judgemental of me. It’s really aggravating sometimes, but I’m doing what’s best for me.
     
  12. anonmember

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    I was shoved back in the closet by my parents for 2 months and I finally came out to them again.
     
  13. Love4Ever

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    Wait, I am confused. You say you were forced back in the closet, by your mom or your stepdad? Or both? I thought your mom was supportive?
     
  14. Quantumreality

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    That was the point that I was going to make, actually. And it's why I asked the question.
     
  15. anonmember

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    My mom originally thought it might be a phase, but I got her to come around.
     
  16. Love4Ever

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    Oh, I see. Well if you got your mom to come around I'm sure you'll eventually succeed with your stepdad. This may just take time unfortunately.