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Figuring out what feels good

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Spacetime, Aug 1, 2019.

  1. Spacetime

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    My girlfriend and I started having sex last month. It’s been amazing. I love touching her, but sexual pleasure is kind of elusive to me. She’s not only my first person, but the only person I’ve ever really been sexually attracted to.

    I get really turned on when we start kissing and by the time we’re undressed I’m, well… quite wet. It feels good when she starts using her fingers and her mouth on me. But for the most part, it’s the same kind of good I feel when she touches me anywhere. It’s the feeling of closeness/intimacy I enjoy more than the specific sensations. There are points when she’s touching me that I feel a distinct, building pleasure. But it’s brief and just kind of fades quickly.

    Not being able to come isn’t a huge deal for me. My girlfriend’s assured me that while she’s excited to get me there eventually, she’s enjoying the journey and helping me figure out what I like. But I do get self-conscious when she’s been touching me for a while and I’m not getting any closer. So when she notices I’m starting to react less and asks if I want her to keep going or try something else, I wind up telling her she can stop. I know that if we keep going my insecurity will probably get worse, and I’m happy to switch the focus to her pleasure.

    Has anyone else dealt with this? A lack of sexual pleasure despite strong sexual attraction? Am I just too in my head? Is it just the fact that these sensations are brand new to me?

    My girlfriend suggested trying to figure out what I like when I’m by myself too might help. (I think she knows I get something like performance anxiety.) But I don’t even know how to approach that.

    Sorry for the long, rambling post. Guess I just had anxieties to get off my chest. Any advice (or reassurance) is greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Vanillaboy

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    I too crave intimacy and closeness. I say you give yourself permission to do whatever you want to do. If her trying to give you pleasure is uncomfortable then focus on her. However try to push yourself to allow it to go longer each time perhaps at somepoint she will find your sweet spot but the bottom line is don't make yourself too uncomfortable. I'm sorry I don't have a specific answer to your question but I hope you at some point find the pleasure you seek.
     
  3. beenthrdonetht

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    This is so much more common than people admit/realize. It's a secret in plain sight.

    Yes and yes.

    I don't mean to be abrupt, or make it sound like this is trivial. And if I had help for overthinking I'd be happy to accept it from myself lol. And the fact that you homed in on this yourself shows good insight. You have an understanding partner and time to practice. Of course it's ironic that when you try less you get more of what you were trying for.. but a lot of things are like that, huh?

    You're going in the right direction. Keep going! :slight_smile:
     
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  4. Shorthaul

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    Your head can really impact a lot of things and enjoying sex is one of them. You might be simply so excited that its hard to enjoy it, I know that sound counter intuitive, but it happens.

    And everyone is generally a nervous wreck when they first start being intimate with others. Its one of the few things you have to figure out on your own.

    Just try and tell your brain to be quiet and enjoy the time you are together with your partner.
     
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  5. KJmusical

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    Like everyone said being in your head can definitely shut you down. But I think your girlfriend had great advice. Though it seems counter intuitive, it can take time and experimentation to find out what gets you there. And it’s not always going to be the same thing every time. Ahh the joys of being a woman (sarcasm). It really is worthwhile to experiment on your own and with her. Be honest about what feels good and what doesn’t. Be patient and enjoy the ride.
     
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  6. beenthrdonetht

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    Ahem. (Raises hand.) Hence my opining (fwiw).
     
  7. SoulSearch

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    I’ve had this experience as well. I agree that spending time figuring out how to please yourself could help. I confirmed that my body is physically capable of orgasm through self-pleasure. It usually takes quite a lot of time and stimulation for me to come and sometimes I am close to giving up before my poor girlfriend exhausts herself and then all of a sudden it finally happens for me. Keep experimenting and try hanging in there longer (lube is your friend). Once I had my first few orgasms with my GF it seems to be easier now. I’m hoping my body finally figured it out!
     
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  8. KJmusical

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    Another little piece of info I just remembered...for a woman orgasms beget orgasms. In other words, the more frequently you orgasm the easier it becomes...to a degree. So if you’ve gone a long time it can be difficult to get over that hump. But the more you go there the easier it can be.
     
  9. PurpleDude

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    I would say yes and partly. as for being "too in your head", I would suggest you tell her about this, making it clear, you aren't retreating there, you're still trying to get your head around all the new sensations and do enjoy the things she's doing with you. If it was me, I wouldn't worry as much about what you think you "should be" thinking/feeling and be more in the moment. if you enjoy the touching and intimacy more than the "actual" sex, that could be a big clue to what you personally want/crave from a partner. that I can identify with. there are times when just closeness and physical contact are all we need rather than anything more physical.