Hi everyone, I joined EC because I’ve spent the past two years wondering about my gender and sexuality and after much denying that something is wrong, I just want to understand and feel happy with myself again. I currently identify to the world as female but I feel so conflicted. I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy, less feminine than other women, feeling like I didn’t quite nail being a girl. Like I didn’t get the manual. As a kid I told my two closest friends that I was secretly a boy and I remember once trying my brother’s underwear ( which my parents quickly made me take off!). I don’t ever remember feeling jealous of my brother for being a boy, but I do remember feeling like I could be a better boy than him because I liked more masculine things and he was a bit useless. I became more feminine in high school because I felt like as long as I looked like a tomboy, I would never get attention from guys. The guys always went for the other more feminine girls. I never felt uncomfortable being feminine, except for the feeling that I wasn’t very good at it. That I didn’t do a good job at being a woman. I was quite excited at getting my period and getting boobs because maybe I would become a woman then. I loved bras and pretty underwear because it made me feel sexy and therefore feminine. Throughout my life I continued feeling like I wasn’t a good enough woman. Like other girls just understood how to be a woman whereas I was just a little kid playing a role. I only ever dated men and felt very validated when the few that liked me, liked me. after a six year relationship with my ex, after three in which I started getting really anxious and wondering if maybe I was anxious because I actually liked women, we broke up. The day after we broke up 8 was watching modern family and I saw a trans girl and I wondered to myself… is this what was wrong all along? Is this why I have always been anxious and why I have felt out of place? I felt euphoric at finally having an answer as to why I always felt different. I tried on my ex’s clothes and looked in tbr mirror, trying to see if looking more like a man meant anything to me. I can’t really remember how k felt. I think neutral? this kickstarted a year and a half of trying to fighting myself about my gender identity. Going back and forth between thinking and I a trans man? How do I know? Were there signs when I was young? Do I want the world to see me as a man. Am I comfortable as a man? It came with a lot of anxiety and obsessive thinking, I read every blog and forum out there to try and understand. Simultaneously I tried to understand my sexuality and see if I liked women. The thought of all this made me feel a mix of things. Sad that I had failed as a woman. Excited that I could finally have an answer. Anxious that I might be lying to myself about being trans or not. I started feeling anxious at my all female work place where everything was about ‘being female’ and ‘ladies’ and just all this talk about powerful women. I would try my most masculine outfits and try and see how I felt looking in tbr mirror which ranged from nothing to bursting out in tears because maybe it meant I could be trans and the implications of that feel like a lot. I was recently dating a guy who I liked a lot. He made me feel feminine and hot and desired and I loved that. But I don’t know if I was just lying to myself. We broke up now because I couldn’t live with myself not knowing how I felt about my sexuality and gender while also being with him. I couldn’t tell if I was lying to myself, in denial or just didn’t like him enough. I just started feeling anxious all the time. If I could have a wish, is that I wouldn’t have to think about this. That if the world could be gender free and I could be free of these expectations or having to make a choice, then I would probably be happiest. Would I be a good guy? For sure. Would I find life easier if I had been born a guy ? Yep, I would make so much more sense if I was a guy. I know everyone says that if you are questioning your gender, you definitly aren’t cis and I think I can find enough clues in my past which may allude to being trans. I guess I am just looking for people’s thoughts because I just don’t know anymore and I’m tired of being sad and confused. I think about this from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep and I just want to stop thinking about it and get an answer. I worry that I’m lying to myself and that I am in denial about who I authentically am. I don’t want to wake up 10 years down the line know I could have done something to feel happy.
Hey there. So of course I haven't studied psychology or anything like that, so anything I say could be blatantly false. Regardless, my thoughts: labels are great, and labels are useful. However, sometimes they can also stand in the way. I think that sometimes people don't ask themselves what they want, but rather whether a certain label matches them and whether they can do more to be as whatever that label describes. I can understand the appeal of categorisations like "being a good guy" or "understanding how to be a woman", but sometimes those categories can be in the way and cloud the perspective, because in the end a label can never fully describe you but is at best approximation of a description of a few select attributes of what makes you you. So, the important thing is that you find happiness. And not in the shape of a short-lasting bliss like when, I don't know, you go to your most favourite restaurant or whatnot, but something that is longer lasting and permeates your life. Some people know what makes them happy and they already got there. Some people know what makes them happy and they are on their way there but haven't yet reached it. Some people don't know what makes them happy, some will never know, some know but can't reach it, and so on. So the important thing first is in my opinion to try to find out what makes you happy. The best way to do that is exploration. What does "being a guy" mean to you? Is it wearing clothes typically considered to be worn by just men? Is it to be passing as man, is it the body language or body shape? Is it about how you are perceived and treated, or about your own body, or about your own actions? Or are the thoughts of "what if I were a guy" not the result of you wanting to be somebody else (or discovering that you are not who you thought you were), but rather about not wanting to be treated the way you are treated? So, exploration. Trying things out, see how you feel, see what you enjoy or don't, and in the process learn more about yourself. Maybe that way you will find out what makes you truly happy. It might also be possible that you need an outside perspective, somebody who gives the view you are used to a little nudge and makes you see and understand things you haven't before. That can be given by somebody you trust a lot (best friend or close family members), by visiting support groups related to trans subjects, or in some cases talking to an experienced therapist. Or in other words: what I think might help is to acquire more information and to make more experiences related to that subject of gender. It's a bit like benthic trawling, when people throw from the boat a net, drag it over the ocean floor, pull it back up and see what they got. Except that in this case your not dragging a net over the ocean floor, but rather make yourself experience more different situations, acquire more knowledge, see what you found, learn about it, so that you can then maybe know where to head next. Not sure whether that helped, I hope you find happiness soon, or at least the direction that leads to it.
Edit: and don't stress yourself too much. We all change every second of our lives, next to nothing is permanent. So exploration and trying out new things in order to learn more about yourself is always a good thing (well, of course not "always", like you shouldn't put yourself in danger or something like that). And I think it can be fun and exciting too, not something to be considered a last resort. You are great you are, and striving towards finding more happiness is also great goal regardless of where it leads.
You have a great many questions, which is good! Take some time and sit on them. If something is beginning to feel like you're just sitting on an obvious answer, then that's probably your answer. Keep playing around, keep asking questions. You get a better sense of who you are the more you do this, and you become even more confident as a result. If you're curious about something, go for it. You may be surprised. It sounds like you already might have been. It's a bit frightening, but also very exciting. It's a kind of freedom still too few people allow themselves to have. The other part of this is that you may have an initial answer, but it might change. What you need to understand is that this is very okay. You wouldn't be the first person to have that happen, but you're not going to be the last. It's pretty common, but that doesn't mean that you don't know yourself better than other people know you. Trust your own judgement. Take the time you need. Those will get you very far.
Thanks Partikel. That’s a really nice response. I suppose that being a woman just feels wrong. Like I am trying so hard to attain something that I can’t. Like it’s easy for everyone else or that they instinctively feel it, but I can’t. I guess being a man means not being the above. It means being able to connect with myself and feel in touch with my body and feel like I’m not failing all the time. Like I’m not trying. I don’t hate my body, I just feel so disconnected from it, like I live in my head and not as a whole. And being a man doesn’t scare me, being called sir doesn’t make me cringe or feel an anxious sensation in my belly, which if I was a woman it would. I would feel annoyed. being a man means b
I guess being a man means not being the above. It means being able to connect with myself and feel in touch with my body and feel like I’m not failing all the time. Like I’m not trying. I don’t hate my body, I just feel so disconnected from it, like I live in my head and not as a whole. And being a man doesn’t scare me, being called sir doesn’t make me cringe or feel an anxious sensation in my belly, which if I was a woman it would. I would feel annoyed. The fact is, when I think about having a men’s body, I feel neutral. None of the changes described by being on T scare me. I would love to have less fat on my body and a more angular face. I could live with all the changes if it meant finally feeling right. Being a man means being strong and confident. My group of friends is half women and half men and I always loved being part of the boys. They are fun and adventurous and always joking. I feel at home with them and loved being around them. I always felt like I couldn’t fully be part of it though because I wasn’t a guy. And there were differences between us because at some point when we were out clubbing, they would start to want to hit on women whereas I wasn’t interested and would be annoyed they would bring these dumb girly girls into our group. And also felt loke, wasn’t I enough? I also enjoyed myself with the girls as I spent more time with them, but I always felt like the ugly one in the group, the one who somehow could never have men interested in her, or at least not the men she was interested in. The odd one out.Nowadays I find it hard to be in this group of girls. It feels like they are going down the path of womanhood and feel so comfortable in that path. They are strong and enjoy every parts of themselves whereas I feel a little ugly duckling, a little boy compared to these grown amazing women. I do also really like men’s clothes. The sport outerwear hiking vibe that guys look so good in. I also already have the body language of a guy. Im always a bit slouched and rough and tumbly. When I’m sitting on a couch with my female friends, I can tell how different I sit and how I’m just broader. I suppose that in a way, noticing how different I am to all the women in my surrounding is what really pushed these feelings forward. There is no ‘stereotypical’ women and yet even the ‘strong women’ revel in the strength of their femininity. Whereas I don’t feel that. I don’t feel like I’m treated differently to men because I’m already quite deadpan and direct with people, they don’t tend to patronise me or treat me differently. Men can tell I don’t fuck about so they treat me with respect usually. The only times I really feel like I’m being treated differently is when some heavy lifting needs to be done or something ‘masculine’ and all of a sudden it’s like oh no let the men do it. And it pisses me off, like I’m strong too. Like if women are supposed to be equal… I just hate being excluded out of stuff because it’s a ‘man’ thing especially because I like being strong. Whereas I feel so many women end being like ‘ haha yes, do those heavy lifting things, let the men tire themselves’. I’m generally a caring person and I feel the way I care is really different depending on the gender I feel caring for. If it’s women, I tend to feel very masculine in my caring for them, like somehow I’m a man caring for them. Whereas with men, I feel much more motherly in how I care. There is a softness. I dunno what this means. It feels like having these feelings means being trans. I also feel a bit misogynistic. Like I know women aren’t this stereotype that I might be conveying at times and yet… I see so much of thatWhat does "being a guy" mean to you? Is it wearing clothes typically considered to be worn by just men? Is it to be passing as man, is it the body language or body shape? Is it about how you are perceived and treated, or about your own body, or about your own actions? Or are the thoughts of "what if I were a guy" not the result of you wanting to be somebody else (or discovering that you are not who you thought you were), but rather about not wanting to be treated the way you are treated? stereotype in people around me, I can’t help but feel I can’t be a woman.
You know in the end only you can decide what makes you feel more like yourself. If you feel comfortable with the transgender label, then it's perfectly okay to use it and see where it takes you. Take baby steps. There is no need to rush. I could relate a lot to with what you have written. The dissociation and feeling more comfortable in groups of men, than women and other things. The trouble for me is that I also like women too, so that causes a lot of confusion. The masculinity and femininity are all social constructs. You don't need to be masculine to feel like a man. There are also feminine men and so on. It's perfectly okay to express yourself however you feel comfortable doing. Gender identity and expression are two different things. Items like clothing and accessories do not have gender.
I too was in the same situation. Except for me, I never really enjoyed being a female. I hate bras and feminine underwear, I hate makeup, I hated playing with dolls growing up, and I hated dressing up in dresses. Being forced to do all of this made me really uncomfortable. But today, I identify as Nonbinary and go by they/them. Don't stress yourself out too much about the whole situation, like @Rayland said, Figuring out who you are and what you identify as takes time. Start at the very beginning and slowly work your way up to the top. You will get there eventually, we believe in you. You got this.
[ mean , you do not have to be female to be made feel feminine, A lot of what is going on in the media is rubbish too. But here is my story if that helps: im bisexual (ish) , 26. The reason i say ish is because its one in a thousand that i find a F attractive. I however love femininine men. There is such a thing as being tired of societies expectations. That is what made me fold personally
