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Figuring out my gender identity(s)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by justthewayiam, Nov 24, 2014.

  1. justthewayiam

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    I'm a 43 year old man and started thinking about my own sexuality a couple of months ago, after realizing that my wife is asexual. I've read a little about transgender and androgynous identities, but there seem to be so many types, so I'm not sure how they apply to me, or what terms I should use to describe my gender. But here are a few things I know about myself:

    1. I'm definitely not gay, because I have no desire to be sexual or romantic with another man. I have all the usual heterosexual and heteroromantic attractions, though.

    2. If I'm having sex with my wife, I sometimes like imagining that our sex roles are reversed, and that I'm the woman who enjoys giving pleasure to her man.

    3. I used to draw and paint a lot, and the human figures usually ended up being either female or gender-neutral in hair, clothing, and facial expression. I enjoyed drawing many such images. I wasn't thinking of my gender at all. The pictures just naturally came out that way. I don't ever remember drawing anything that looked traditionally masculine.

    4. When I saw the French movie, My Life in Pink, about the transgender boy, I went back and saw it a couple of more times. It made me uncomfortable and happy at the same time, but there was something about the boy's way of being which felt both natural and attractive in my identification with him.

    5. I have no desire to take hormones or get surgery to change my sex or gender. I also think that putting women's clothes on my male body would be in very bad taste.

    6. But I do often wish that I were a woman so that I could enjoy pretty clothes and hair and maybe make a nice guy happy.

    7. I feel oddly empathic when watching movies or live plays with LGBT characters. I can viscerally feel the sexual and romantic passion when gay or lesbian actors touch or kiss. And I can empathize with either lover in most heterosexual romances.

    So I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I exactly am, or how I should accurately understand and describe myself. I'm also trying to find "my people" - those who are as mixed as I am in terms of gender.
     
  2. Ryuichi

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    Here's the main question you need to answer for yourself: Do you feel at all that what is between your legs is inconsistent and at odds with what's in your brain, and who you are as a person? At all?

    The first question you need to answer is whether you're trans in the first place. And as you probably know, it doesn't just mean "Male to Female" or vice versa, but it also includes those who are nonbinary.
     
  3. justthewayiam

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    I've wondered whether I'm more of androgynous than transgender. But to answer your question, yes. I often feel like a woman inside, looking out through a man's eyes and body. I also often feel like neither man nor woman. But in any case, it's hard (perhaps impossible) for me to feel "masculine" as I conceive of it.

    I'm still hesitant to apply the "transgender" label unequivocally, though. Simply because my sexual orientation seems so obviously that of a heterosexual male. But maybe that's because I confuse sexual orientation with gender identity?
     
  4. jay777

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    You might have a look at this:
    Am I Transgender or Transsexual - Teens Wonder Am I Transgender or Transsexual
    and this:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/150966-androgyne-identity.html#14
    and this:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../147192-transitioning-where-do-i-start.html#4

    and here:
    http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
    They talk of it having biological causes. meaning its not just a whim ...
    What I do not like is on page 7 talking about stress... its not what all people have experienced, and some experience relief...

    The tg spectrum goes i.e. from people living with almost androgynous appearance, to styling more like the preferred gender, to taking hormones, to srs.
    Of course the list is not all possible options.
    It's up to you to collect further information...
    You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want.

    I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision, and it can be fun along the way...
    There is no only one right way to do this.
    Its your choice what you want to do...

    Its a lot of information... I'd say take your time... and there are different viewpoints...
     
  5. justthewayiam

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    I guess that's it, then. Based on what's been said in this thread so far, it's really up to me, and not anyone else, to figure "me" out.

    I looked at your links, jay777. Thanks.

    I'll probably hold off on trying to find the precise terminology to describe myself. At this stage, I think I'll just make small steps to make my hair and clothing less "masculine", and then see whether that's all I need to feel authentic gender-wise.
     
  6. You also have to understand that concepts like "masculine" and "feminine" are socially constructed. Gender itself is socially constructed. Pull yourself away from those binaric terms. It would be better to ask yourself "Who am I as a person and where do I want my sexuality to go?" rather than "Where do I fit on the masculinity/femininity scale?"

    I hope that made sense. :slight_smile:
     
  7. BradThePug

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    This is one of the best things that you can do. You can find what is most comfortable for you in your gender presentation, and then work from there to define what identity best fits.
     
  8. aumakua

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    I too am just begining the journy of figuring out my gender identity and I can relate very much to your expirence. Almost every one of your points describes me to a tee. Also, like you I am married and only attracted to women. As I understand it this might relate more to sexual orientation than gender identity. I am just glad to hear that I'm not alone in my feelings.
     
  9. mrs chloe

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    i feel that im transgender but don't really know and too scared to go to a doctor or therapist
     
  10. jay777

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    There are a few links above... you might have a look at them, take your time...

    you might play a bit with clothing and hairstyle and see how that makes you feel...

    and you might talk to someone... a counselor from school, someone you like, or someone from an lgbt center. There are even helplines:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../164030-mermaids-should-i-contact-them.html#4

    don't be scared to go to a therapist. They are there to help you and should help you figure out what you want...


    (*hug*)
     
  11. monome

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    And maybe all you feel is still fitting well in being a man? Only maybe it is good to treat manliness a bit less strictly? As Brennana says, our idea(l)s about masculinity and feminity are in a larg part culturally/socially constructed. Like in the past (think Louis XIV) men wore make-up, wigs, beautiful fabrics, silk stockings and it was perfectly aligned in masculinity. But even today, you can choose to dress or behave a little "softer" and still be a man. You can also propose to your wife to reverse sexual roles from time to time. Just manipulating the context of intercourse or even changing roles with the use of a strap-on (which again still is possible to enjoy without quitting male paradigm). And don't worry. There are more mixed people that are ready to admit :slight_smile: