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Fighting with mom, feeling conflicted and need help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jared, Jun 19, 2015.

  1. Jared

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    So I graduated from college last week and my parents came down for graduation and my mom invited herself for an indefinite stay in my small studio apartment and I'm going crazy. I have no time to myself to see my friends or just be alone, I'm pretty introverted and need my alone time and personal space. I tried explaining this to her and she just said that she isn't people and she should count, she just doesn't get that I'm not an extrovert like her. I also tried to subtly ask last night if she had any plans of going home after the next week, she's been here a week already. She then went on a huge tiraid about I just use her and nobody loves her and how I'd throw her out on the street if she was homeless, which is not true, but I can't convince her of that. She says I don't love her and she never gets to see me, which is bullshit since I see her nearly every month or two. I know her and my dad have a bad marriage and she doesn't like being around him, but I have been telling her to get a divorce for over a decade and she refuses to even consider it seriously, so my sympathy has run out for that.

    She's now barely speaking to me and is very cold when she does and is just saying she'll leave now and go be miserable and that I don't want her. I do want to see her, I just feel like an indefinite stay in my small apartment is not okay. I do feel really guilty and I tried apologizing for upsetting her and trying to explain that I need my own space and it would be nice to know when she is leaving so that I could make plans with friends without having to leave her alone, she doesn't care and is still being very passive aggressive. I don't now what to do and I'm not sure if what I did last night was acceptable or not :help:
     
  2. Chip

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    What you did last night was absolutely acceptable.

    You are an adult. Your apartment is your home, not hers. You get to set the terms on who stays, and for how long.

    Unfortunately, the problem is that your mother has no boundaries and so she doesn't understand your need for boundaries. And people who have no boundaries... will run completely roughshod over others. They don't intend to, they just don't understand... and when you try to establish firm boundaries, they get angry.

    You should not feel guilty. You are simply asking for what you need, and you've given her a week to be with you in a tiny apartment, and that's way more than most people would be able to handle.

    Her "I'll just leave because you hate me, so I'll go home and be miserable, you never want to see me" schtick is manipulation: an attempt to control you by making you feel guilty. Recognize it for what it is and don't buy into it.

    You can treat her with compassion and kindness and still set boundaries. If I remember correctly, your family does pretty well financially. If that's the case, you could suggest that you would be happy to have her stay longer, but she will need to get a hotel room to give both of you some breathing room. You can also explain that many of your friends will be moving away soon and you want time to spend with them since you won't have that later, but you will have time later to spend with her.

    It's possible she will simply dig herself in deeper, but that's on her, not on you. Establishing and maintaining strong boundaries is a really positive step for you.
     
  3. resu

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    I'm sorry about this, and Chip has some excellent advice.

    Don't feel guilty. Explain that you are paying for your apartment and that she should respect your decisions. You want to be independent, and independence for you means not living with either parent. You want to spend your time with people of your own age and also come home to some peace and quiet.
     
  4. tgboymom

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    You sure that your mother and my mother aren't related? I get a lot of those same feelings when it comes to my child some times.... like I'm not wanted and only good to provide. I think these feelings arise once children leave the nest. The thing is, my kid is not... make note of that word... NOT responsible for my happiness like you are not responsible for your mother's!! I understand the space thing but hey, I had a 3000 square foot house and STILL, no matter how good it was to see my mother, looked forward to departure so I could just do my own thing.. good or bad, it was my own thing. I limit visits to my child to one or two nights and I take a hotel even though there is plenty of space in the 2 floor, 2 bedroom apt. I remember what it felt like.

    So you're thinking "what did you do about your mother". I'LL tell ya what I did.... I went nuts until the day she died. I sent presents and money and called often and feared when she'd say she wanted to visit for a few weeks or even come live with me. It's not that I didn't care for and respect my mother, but her insistence on having complete, undivided attention and toxic passive aggressiveness made staying in the same place unbearable.

    Now ask what I SHOULD have done before I let the power of the Italian guilt push and pull me until I was nearly 50. I should have been more honest when I was young and remind her that at one time her life was incredibly busy and never permitted us to have guests or allowed unannounced callers because she needed that private time. Well, so did I. I would have told her that we could be better friends if we had boundaries so we didn't end up resenting one another and when she ranted and acted like no one loves her I should have reminded her that I do love her, but I need my own space to figure out my place in this world and should have told her to go home and I would call in a few days. When she hit me with how unhappy she was at home (and she did), I should have reminded her that I was too young and too up in the air and it was way too much responsibility to be responsible to make her happy. I should have let her go cry it out and do some of the growing up I had to do.

    You could do that..... and let the chips fall where they may, or you can do what I did and stay unhappy in the relationship for the rest of her life. Now my mother hadn't provided financial support for me since I got my first full time job at 12 years old. In fact she depended on my income so I don't know how much that comes into play, but I can assure you that even though my own child is 28, I do not withhold. I do not call all the time, but message often to make sure that whatever is needed is taken care of.

    if you don't correct the situation now, there will be lifelong resentment and you will always feel impotent and powerless.

    Let me also say that my kid would never put me on the street but we both know that the living arrangements would be a disaster. Haha. My kid needs privacy, especially with beginning the f to m transition, making friends that I'm not used to and generally needing privacy to live a comfortable lifestyle. Like I said, when I drive out there, I get a hotel and make arrangements to take them out to do things and only hang out at the apartment to do cleaning or laundry or cook or strip the bed.....you know... mother stuff and although they probably aren't comfortable with that, I do have the presence of mind not to hang out all day and night and this is my way of continuing to "mother" them a bit. :wink:

    SOMETIMES mothers have to be reminded that just because our kids are now adults, our position as MOTHER, not child, still stands.



    Good luck!
     
  5. wisefolly

    wisefolly Guest

    There might also be something in the rental agreement about how long a guest/visitor can stay before they have to leave (or start paying rent, which I'm sure you don't want in this case).