Fight or Flight? I just went ahead and told my best friend.

Hi everyone,

I know there are a lot of stories on here and a lot of people who fall in love with friends, and things like that. Also a lot of people who can't accept their identity or are confused. I don't have a typical story, or maybe I do, but I am not asking for advice on if I should or shouldn't tell my friend, because I already did.

We have been friends for about a year. We are both male. He is not gay or anything like that. I am not gay. I don't think I am bi. I am just not into people as a whole, I have never been interested in a guy, my sister is bi, I don't care. I support the gay community and that's all.

So to continue, we are very good friends. He trusts me with everything, as I do him. We spend a lot of time together, I often got issues from my ex girl telling me I spent too much time with him as does he. Our level of trust is weird, and very strong, he has access to every aspect of my life and I have always felt comfortable with that. I have always felt a wonderful and caring friendship for him, and that is awesome. He texts me when he gets up, when he goes to bed, and all day in between. We have always been this way for the whole time we have known each other. We greet each other with hugs and we are just really awesome friends.

A few days ago, he told me that his sister had come out to him. I told him we should take her to the local gay club and he was totally cool with that. Just one of those things. Shortly after that, everything got weird for me. It got to the point where I really realized I feel something else. I do not really have a sexual attraction, but I don't just feel a friendship. It's like I want him to be my best friend for ever, live with me, share everything with me and just give me priority. The thing is... he does, he even takes me to brunch at his parents house. He takes me everywhere. The way things are ... is well how I want them to be. The way they have been.

Now comes the problem. I respect and him and care about him so much as a friend, that I absolutely would not be able to hide anything from him. So, when I realized that I really feel more (I have no idea what, but it's something) I decided I needed to tell him. I told him I needed to talk to him. I let it be for a day or two waiting for the right time and then came a moment when we were drinking and he decided to ask me what I wanted to tell him. I told him it was bad, I told him it might hurt our friendship. He actually said, nothing could ever do that, he even said, just tell me ... if you slept with my girlfriend (they are breaking up, were already, moving out now) -- I wouldn't even be mad.

I proceeded to tell him that it was far worse. So he pretty much told me I need to tell him, because he wanted to know. So I did. I told him ... that I don't know what I feel, but I think it's more. I then told him that, I think it could affect our friendship because I know he does not think the same. He was pretty upset, he actually had a few tears in his eyes I think, I am pretty sure I screwed up. Anyway, he told me, this changes absolutely nothing.

I told him it will, because now that I feel this way, I am going to look for signs, or have hopes, or want things that can't happen and that I may even get to the point of trying something. He told me it doesn't matter, he wouldn't get mad, he would just stop me.

I told him, the best thing he can do for me is to just walk away. Just distance himself to stop something bad from happening which would ruin our friendship. He just told me he respects and cares about me more than ever and that he will do whatever I ask. I was/am happy, honored, shocked he was cool about it all. He didn't go running out, he didn't say anything horrible, he just... supported me.

But I told him to leave me behind, and I meant it. I will mess up if I am close to him. Today I expected to never hear a single word from him, but it wasn't that way. Today he talked to me, he tried to bring some personal conversation about his life, and I kept it cool, I also trained him at his job so we talk on a work perspective. He mixed things, I just stuck to work.

He later on texted me not worked related just telling me about his life, moving to a new house, etc. I kept it short and respectful. I then dropped by the office and we ended up talking a ton. He started talking like old times, how in the future we will do this and that, how when I buy my new car he will be here to help wire the radio up .... how he plans to be spending time with me again.

I guess, my problem is, what I want is to not make it worse. He said he doesn't want to just walk away and cause me pain, and I told him ... being close but never being able to explore this is just as bad for me. Today so far, he has talked to me, we joked, we laughed... when I said good night ... he shook my hand, then we awkwardly both .... tried to hug each other like we normally do.

I know he is not gay. I know he is not bisexual. He didn't tell me this, he didn't tell me he doesn't think the same, etc. But I know it. The issue here, is that, the best thing to do is leave our friendship behind and not see each other. The problem is, we are amazing friends, I have never trusted anybody so much in my life, and up until a few days ago I really just loved him like a brother, never anything else. It all just happened at once and I don't know how or why. It hurts me a lot that he does not greet me in the morning, or didn't tell me when he got home safe... it doesn't hurt me in the new way though, just as friends because it's just how we have always been.

I am so confused about what to do in this situation. I think in my mind that... he should have moved away. He should not want to talk to me at all, because I told him, if he does... it will make me think things that clearly are not there. I gave him all the tools and education to avoid something happening that might cause him to be mad at me. He still talks to me just the same, just a little bit less.

It has only been one day and I am not sure where to go from here. I am not sure how to understand what he thinks in this situation. I am not sure of anything.

Can anybody comment on what all this means, what is happening... ? We talked face to face when I told him how I felt for 4 hours, and I saw the emotion in his face, I saw his eyes watery, I saw him bite his lip nervously... I know this affected him, just not in the same way it is affecting me I guess. Just could use any advice or inputs at all. Totally in the dark and pretty sad because I messed things up but if I walk away, I will hurt him as a best friend, if I stay ... I will maybe do worse.

 

In response to something somebody just asked me not here:

1. Do you get jealous if he has or goes with other friends?
A. He does not. He makes it a point to say frequently that he does not have nor want other friends. If he goes out with cousins or something, I am happy he is out having a good time.

2. Do you constantly think about writing him / etc.
A. No. I don't. He writes me when he does, I make it a point to reply fast as does he. I do not sit around and wait for him to talk to me, nor do I get sad if he doesn't. On rare, rare occasions we have spent 2-3 days not talking and it was him who would ask me if I am okay. Just general life being busy, not for any negative reasons.

3. Any jealously over girlfriends, etc?
A. This is rarely discussed. He does not mention women a lot, when he does, of course not jealously, just useless guy jabber. I would actually be happy for him no matter what, my interest comes second.

Not sure if that helps describe my situation.

 

Thank you both very much. It is always good to have somebody else comment since my own thoughts are likely diluted beyond reasonable logic, or so I worry. I know I wrote a freakin mini novel so I appreciate you reading and commenting.

phospholipase - agreed. Tragedy is in fact what I want to avoid, but it is starting to occur to me that maybe my own actions to prevent a tragedy are causing one? To me right now this seems right, but maybe to him it's not, or maybe, he doesn't care? It's too soon to know.

TroubledRyan - Thank you. This is more or less what I was thinking but I know him well and I feel like if I did do something stupid it would be a big deal. Despite him directly telling me, "If you do slip up, I will just tell you to get back in line, no big deal." I guess I am just worried. I really did not actually consider the potential that my actions of moving away would cause him any harm, I figured I would be the one to suffer in this scenario either way, his feeling (obviously as a friend) were oblivious to me. As such, assuming he does care that much as a friend, I must be a real big a**hole right now to him.

I was clear with him that I did this simply to protect us both. He was very not amused by the idea. I had to convince him thoroughly and it took 4 hours that the best thing to do was push away. Judging by his attitude towards me today he was trying. I am going to have to observe and see if my friendship was as valuable as he says and I think. If it was, I need to follow your logic.

I think knowing and being clear, there is a good chance I may slip up one day, especially with alcohol involved, but at most it would be an overly long hug or grabbing of a hand I shouldn't be. I could never imagine anything else since I do not feel a sexual element so ... I wonder how mad he would get if I did either of those or how freaked out.

I guess I just want to know the future without waiting and I want my best friend back. Its been a day and I already feel sadder about loosing a best friend than anything else. I guess I told him because the idea was to save our respect by being honest, and yet somehow it turned into isolation. I just know myself, and overtime, even recognizing all of this, I could end up convincing myself there is much more to things than there really are, that is no good either.

 

Thank you.

Cute?! The issue is really just respect. There is so much respect and feelings as friends that I know I wouldn't slip up worse. I am just paranoid that now that I told him ... he won't want to go out with me alone, or will feel weird if the two of us are just chilling..... or you know, if he hugs me or something he might feel weird. That kinda thing. I guess not though, because, today .... he awkwardly .... hugged me still. Kinda like, "is it okay" - " i guess?" without the words.

I'm foolish. I feel so bad now. I need to talk to him, you are right but I need to get my mind clear, I haven't totally killed the idea in my mind that nothing can ever happen. He didn't actually say that but I know obviously. I really want that to leave.

Thanks a lot TroubledRyan

 

Thank you. I will update this as time goes. Every person on this planet is different and so is every situation but as human beings there are certain social behaviours we all share. Maybe my experience can help someone else one day.

Still open to comments here too. I am going to wait a few days and then fix things, once I can clear my head.

He is definently trying to make things stay the same. And yes awkward but only as awkward as I made it. The thing that I like, he didn't ignore the subject, still mentions it in a positive way. I am just nuts.

 

Stuck - No idea what I would do. Presumably be happy for the moment, let it play out, then we would both eliminate it, and live happily ever after as best friends. It would be awesome to get it out of the way though. If it functioned as more - even better.

Alcohol - Modifies impulse control, nothing else. I do not lose memory, change judgment. He knows this, hence why he brought alcohol with him the other night knowing I would talk that way. He knows me way beyond well enough to know that.

Tweetie - That is tough. I never took it to that level mostly because I don't even know what to do with what I am feeling. Not enough understanding to even direct it to a physical action. In your case, I would probably talk to him. After all ... if he didn't punch you in the face then he let it happen so not totally one sided there.

 

Saw each other today. Just a normal day. He is moving, told me he'd like to see the new house and just generally making plans for the future. greeted me and said good by the same way ... didn't act weird, a few stray glances but nothing else. More jokes than normal.

So awkward... but I don't think all is lost.

 

Rinamir Mortem - Thank you very much for your educated and well thought out response. I enjoyed reading it very much, especially you solid use of the english language to select the proper vocabulary to paint the picture.

I must say, I do not feel like we have lost much. I normally would have gone in guns blazing and probably lost it, but I realized that what we have is special enough in itself, if it can't be more, why lose what we had?

He has referenced many times in his life that we will know each other in 20 years, and what we will be doing and still be how we are. These are the types of friendships which are hard to obtain. I just can't risk loosing it.

I have undergone the same analyzation as you, however, I worried my vision may be convoluted by what feelings I may or may not have and do not fully understand. In my mind, being the comments I made to him, and being that he feels nothing in return, things would change. I specially mentioned to him, that some of the physical contact we engage in does in fact give me the wrong impression. I would suspect that would be a queue to absolutely end that behavior, yet, he has not in any way at all.

Today he was more... great than ever, he joked more with me, referenced me more in front of other people, pointed out our alike thinking more, even went ahead and referenced some events that occurred the other night (the same night when I decided to throw a wrench in something great). To me all these little things point to another male who is equally confused, and more reluctant to accept it, especially based on the country where we are and the culture being closed minded.

But then alas, the possibility, that... there is absolutely nothing there to see and it is all just a poor understanding. One thing emanates for me though, I knew this curiosity would linger and in the 4 hours I spent repeating myself to him, I was clear, I told him he has to get away from me. I told him that it would hurt more than being shot at point blank range but for my great respect for him, that it is NOT going to be possible for me to get past this is he does not run away from me, and far, far away. I did not plan to end our friendship, I reinforced this to him just time.

However, he has not moved away. Not even a little bit. In fact, he is getting closer again and it's only been a few days. I feel like I may be reading into it a wee much, but it almost seems like, knowing the situation and what I explained, him moving closer would be a way of saying he may be feeling something similar without actually saying it. That is indeed how I interpret the situation. I knew this would occur, so like I said, I made it way to clear to him, that, there is no way we could be as we were and not have me go down this road. I said it minimum 15 times. So I am not sure why he is still staying close.

One thing has changed so far, communication habits. Today he called me early but work related, he did quickly change to personal subjects and chatting after though. However, when he got home, he did not message me or make any contact, which is strange. Albeit, we had just seen each other, he would normally text. Also we have not hung out outside of work environments or meetings. Normally we would do this every night. Albeit, he has made reference to me in regards to doing such.

I suppose, the ground we lost is not returned until he makes an effort to see me on a personal level.

My over-riding concern with that will be though, should I interpret it as possible interest (not taking action obviously but first rebuilding our amazing friendship and letting cards fall where they should) or should I smack myself in the head and assume my warnings to him were ignored not because he has some deep down feeling but because he just wants my friendship. I just can't accept the later as in straight males friendship seems so indispensable. I may not be 100% straight but even for me it has been that way prior to this one.

 

awesomeyodais - thanks! Good advice to help me a long. I know many people think everyone always knows their gay, and I know some people do, I know others always know their bi. I know some people say you probably can't be straight and just like one person of the same gender.

None of that matters to me, this for me is just what it is, I'm not gay and he isn't. I just feel something outside of the ordinary. I hope one day it leads to something.

I kinda feel like I should wait until that feelings goes away before I proceed. Is it really fair to him that I hang out with him, that we pass all this time together (as he wants to) but in reality, he is doing it because he thinks of me as a great friend and I am doing it because my heart is somewhere else? I feel like that makes me a really bad person and until I can just think of him as a friend I should stay distanced.

I absolutely adore him as a person and as a friend, I wish he is the happiest man on earth with a woman he loves, I won't care, won't be jealous, won't be any of it. I just feel like, before I go back to devoting 80% of my life to him (as he does me, haha, it's weird) that I should ONLY FEEL for him, the way he feels for me (as an awesome friend).

Is my form of thinking wrong?