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Fetish vs Orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blagh, Sep 21, 2019.

  1. blagh

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    How do we separate these?

    I know the automatic response is to say "well, if you're into guys sexually, then obviously you're attracted to men", but what if there really is a difference?

    What if one develops a sexual attraction to men that is entirely fetishistic? In the same way you might develop a fetish for anything outside of your "true" orientation? How does one learn to separate those things?

    I say this, because whatever attraction I have to men, it simply doesn't feel the same as my attraction to women, and I'm desperately trying to parse that out and understand it.

    I simply don't relate to people who fawn over guys - to me, guys are rather ugly and not sexy. I never had any real male crushes growing up, they were all female. But I can't deny a fascination with guys having sex, or my fantasies about it. I just feel weirdly disconnected from it, like it isn't me. When I've had sex with men, I get that same disconnect, like it isn't real and I'm just kidding myself for some stupid reason, and I feel like an idiot for even going down this path in my mind. The whole thing just feels weird. I want it to work, but I don't think it does.
     
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  2. out2019

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    I can relate to all of this!
    I have a very strong nylon/tights/spandex fetish - and 100% of the time I fantasize about a guy it involves that material - which just adds to the confusion!

    Yes I only look at women on the street...

    same...with the exception of one guy i fantasized about in high school and it was pretty intense

    same
     
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  3. blagh

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    It's interesting that you say all of this, yet you identify as gay - can I ask why?
     
  4. out2019

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    blagh likes this.
  5. out2019

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    that's what's so confusing - when I see a post like yours I can relate to so much of it, but when I just sit here and fantasize men seem so much more intense..

    Some people here have said with acceptance a lot of the attraction for women goes away-
     
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  6. out2019

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    maybe its this?
    www.huffingtonpost.com/joe-kort-phd/why-some-straight-men-are-romantically-or-sexually-attracted-to-other-men_b_3670740.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

    The following scenario happens many times: A man comes into my office, referred by his own therapist and clutching coming-out literature that the therapist has given him. He explains that his therapist has tried, unsuccessfully, to help him come out as gay or bisexual, but even though he’s had sex with other men or gone to gay porn websites, he insists that he isn’t gay. He says that he isn’t homophobic either; if it turns out that he is indeed gay or bisexual, he’ll accept it and move on with his life, but the label just doesn’t feel right to him.

    During the last three decades, in reaction to prejudiced and destructive anti-gay attitudes, we’ve seen the pendulum swing so far in the other direction that it’s now become almost a therapeutic credo, not to mention a requirement of political correctness, to assume that men who have sex with men are “in denial” and need help to recognize and accept their “true” homosexual orientation. In fact, neither extreme represents the experience of many men. The truth is that many men who have sex with men aren’t gay or even bisexual. Although their mental and emotional state resembles that of the initial stages of coming out, gay and bisexual men go on to develop a gay or a bisexual identity, whereas these men don’t.

    Many people here will disagree with Kort - the weird thing for me is the 'bi' label doesn't feel right and it feels SO GOOD to say I am gay - just to go in the mirror and say it - but like the guy int his article, I am 'stuck'...
     
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  7. out2019

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    I thought about this a little more, and I think I identify as gay because I am starting to realize just how much denial I have.
    yes i find women attractive
    yes I can have sex with a woman and enjoy it...

    but......my fantasies about men are 100x more intense and I don't really fantasize about women at all or rarely - so maybe I am 80-90% 'gay'
    I lived in denial for years but when I first started posting here someone asked 'who can you imagine coming home to and kissing...for the first time in my life I just let my mind freely imagine it.. I wasn't prepared for the answer - I saw myself coming home and kissing a guy, I imagined looking into his eyes and saying 'I love you' and I couldn't believe how good it felt... WOW this is what love and romance feel like!

    Again when I took the advice of people here and just went to the mirror and said "i am gay" - wasn't prepared for how good it felt - a warm intense feeling of joy like I had never experienced before...

    Yes I still look at women on the street and I am still in intense denial... but the 'bi' label just doesnt' feel right with me.
     
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  8. Kwekie

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    The article gave a litany of, dysfunctions and sexual peculiarities that can lead straight men to fetishize elements of gay sex. If you think this may apply to you, what part do you think applies to you? What do you suspect could the basis of this false attraction?
     
  9. out2019

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    The only part that really resonates with me is being stuck on a coming out stage. but for me the label feels right it just doesn't match reality - for me personally 'bi' is the label that just doesn't feel right.
     
  10. Hope4love

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    This is exactly me, but I thought this was related to internalized homophobia? is it not?